Widows & Widowers Support Group

Since my wife died ive been on a few dates.
EVERYTIME they found that I was a widower the all treated me like I have the plague. All except the babes who wanted a "sugar daddy."

I believe you but I still find it hard to believe that anyone would do that. I guess those are women you wouldn't want to be with anyway.

I've also had the experience of disappearing friends. The people I'm closest to now are 2 women I met in my bereavement group and my friends on this website. My parents and one of my sisters who lives nearby with her family are all very close. But my youngest sister lives in CA. She and her husband did come for the funeral and the first few weeks she called me every 4 or 5 days, then once a week, and now nothing.

Sue

I'm sure that your feelings that men get less support in a time of grief is accurate. However, it's dawning on me that people would rather not know how I'm really doing--except for family. As Sandie points out, I am a reminder to people that their lives can come unraveled in an instant and there's nothing they can do about it.

I have an additional problem with people in that I was not actually married. Vincent and I were as happy as any two people could be, but because we didn't have the piece of paper, people seem to think I should put all this behind me pronto and get back out there. It really hurts because I see it as an insult to his memory.

Those are rthe "friends" you want to stay from. They do mor harm than good.

I am a new widow,my 53 yr old husband died unexpectedly of a heart attack. Already, people are ignoring me. I have not heard a thing from my husband's family since his funeral on April 21. He has 2 brothers, one not married,the other one is married, and a unmarried sister. Not one has offered me any support. My own sister has not contacted me once since the funeral, and my parents try to ignore me as much as possible. They say they are to old at 78 and 80 yrs to deal with all the stress of my situation. My friends try, but they have families of their own to deal with. Maybe it's me, but I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

We DO expect men to be the strong silent types, and I agree, it's wrong. I have 2 sons, and I have had to tell them over and over that it's okay for them to cry and okay for them to be sad, and I got them each counseling. What's weird is the number of times my sons would tell ME to "be strong, Mom" and "pull yourself together!" I think because I have had to take over for their dad and it unnerves them to see me upset. Did you try the veterans agencies for support groups? I would think the VA and maybe the Disabled American Veterans would have groups or counseling available that was designed to help guys. I work for government, too, and I was able to get counseling through our Employee Assistance Program office, which is completely confidential and doesn't go into the personnel files. Or if you're union (our sheriff's office here is unionized), maybe check with your union rep. Just a thought...

Dear cliffskat, I dont mean to offend you or start a fight but you're a woman and thats exactly what I was saying, women get help-men dont. There is no union in the deep south (thank God) and the veterans organizations are all just a bunch of glorified bars. That is a fact, not heresay. Please look carefully at all the liustings above, you'll notice ALL the men got nothing whereas the women got everything.
I rest my case

No, I'm not offended, and I wasn't disagreeing with you. I know what you're saying because I took care of my dad, my husband, and I have 2 sons - I'm well aware of gender prejudices. But the other difference between men and women is that women are more likely to proactively seek out help as we are traditionally the ones in the caregiver role. Did you know that over 80% of all medical care decisions are made by women because we are the wives, mothers, and daughters (who care for their husbands, kids, and aging parents), despite the fact that the medical profession is less likely to listen to a woman's concerns - that's statistical fact too. It is more likely that a woman will seek out help and be more accustomed to doing so. So I did a little checking for you, and found this on the Hospice of Wake County site:

"One of the best ways to address grief issues is to talk about them with others who are also coping with the death of a loved one. Our Family Grief Center offers both daytime and evening support groups throughout the year. When possible, these groups are segmented by gender, age or loss categories like that of a parent, child, spouse, or sudden traumatic loss."

It says "by gender" among other things, and they have both morning and evening sessions, and will provide services even if you're 2 or 3 years down the road from the loss. Here is their web address:
http://www.hospiceofwake.org/trace...

If I can find anything useful from the DAV I'll send that along, too. I know the VA is often useless. It's too bad you don't have a union; I'm in the Deep South-Bible-Belt-Baptist Country and our law enforcement has a strong union that protects those that protect us. Gunny, not all liberal ideas are bad ideas. :)

Another interesting but little known fact is that there is NO STATE LAW saying an employer HAS to give you (male of female) time off for the death of a spouse. It's usually included in company benefits, I found out about the law because I was ordered on duty the day of my wifes fineral., I unsucessfully tried to fight it too.

That's interesting, Gunny. However, at my husband's service I had three million people say, (totally not getting it) how much better it was that I went first. How lost Rick would have been without me. In our case, I hate to admit it, but they're right. Of the two of us, I was the stronger, but I don't feel strong. Just lonely. Hope this makes sense. I don't make much sense these days.