Widows & Widowers Support Group

I have to agree, Gunny. My Bob lost his first wife to kidney disease in 1970. He was widowed at 33. (He was 44 when we married.) He said the very same thing. He was so young, everyone thought he should drop his daughter on his mother, just go right on working, jump back into dating & having fun as if nothing had happened. Family & friends drove him nuts with it.

On the other hand, widows often receive way to much of what I think of as "patronizing sympathy". Not the real kind, but the type where they look at you and think you have suddenly become stupid, and are now so helpless that you surely need a brother or father or son or somebody to "fix" you.


Both wasys stink.

Nobody should be ignored and I'm sorry that you have been. What you said is interesting and I always thought it was the opposite. There are so many more widows than widowers though. But from what I see, widowers are always invited to dinner and other women take care of them and I forget the exact statistic, but a majority of widowers marry again within 2 years. I wonder why there has to be any difference - we're all grieiving the same loss - our spouse.

Sue

I never got invited to dinner. As a matter of fact when I got on a date now i have to hide the fact that im a widower otherwise my date will walk away. Its already happened a few times. Even the berevememt
greoup I attended was designed for women only.

That's just WRONG! No idea what anybody could do about it, but it's wrong! But it's a good insight, that I'm glad you shared. I know I'll remember it when I cross paths with another widower. I hope I haven't been unfeeling in the past, but I really have no idea.

I have found exactly the same problems. My wife died in March 2007 and gradually since then the visits and phone calls from friends and relatives have dried up. Maybe in the past it was my wife who maintained social contacts but I don't know really. Perhaps it is thought that men are "stronger" and able to cope but I know I could use more opportunities to share thoughts and feelings and to break that sense of loss and loneliness but most organised opportunites are focused on widows. I have found writing a journal here on DS to be helpful and the comments from others have helped. Overall though, I think you're right but I don't know what the answer is.

Pneylan, Im not sure that is a male thing. I have had the same problem as far as visits and calls. I hear from my family pretty regularly but friends not so much.. I bring a reality they dont want to face I think.. Its tough I know.

I don't think it is a male, female thing also. Just this weekend, I took my kids to the rec center and saw former friends of me and my husband. They just walked away and didn't say a word. I also don't have people inviting me to dinner or to go anywhere except for my dad and my in laws(not very often either). My so called "best friend" called everyday at first, now maybe once a week (sometimes not even that). I find myself dreading going places because my situation make people feel uncomfortable so they avoid talking to me.

I think society has put more pressure on males to not show emotion and so men tend to show the outward signs of being okay and unless you know them really well people just assume they are okay. My husbands family are there for me more than mine as they both, female and male are very loving and show their emotions but my family are more distant. I have not heard from my sister since he died, she didn't even attend the funeral but occasionally my brother calls. I can tell I make him uncomfortable. I think starting over with a new spouse is equally hard for both but it seems like you hear more of widowers starting over sooner than widows but I don't think anyone knows this as a fact and I have no idea. I just know we are both widows and widowers very heartbroken and lonely for our spouses.

I never looked at this issue before. But I would have to agree that man are treated differently. They are suppose to be strong. But inside they have lost part of them, just like me. I know my father locked himself up for year half after my mom died maybe because people would just ignore his feelings.
People go around saying we are equal but this really isn't the case is it?

I have been on the receving end of this too. No one wants to be around some one who is depressed or someone that can be labled as depressing. I have been forced to create a whole new circle of friends. The only thing I know to do is mention my wife quickly and moved on to a pleasant subject immedialtely. It let's people know your not going to ruin their goodtime. Contact with humans has become more important to me than my grief.