Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have been reading lots of books in the past 4 months to try and make some sense of what I am going through and to learn from the experiences of others. Many have been suggestions by people on DS and I thought it might be useful to share our experiences of different books and which have been helpful. I realise that very often whether a book speaks to us depends on our personal situation, grief and life stage, style preferences and whether it covers topics we are interested in or need at the moment but I have found it so helpful to hear from all of you, so here are a few of mine. Please add your own (and I welcome other/ different views or opinions on the books Ive read too).
Sandy
Sandy
Elizabeth Harper Neeld
OVERALL: Very positive; this is one of the books I have found most helpful (thanks Martha) and I keep coming back to it as I move through the terrain of active grieving.
FORMAT: 7 main chapters, taking you through what the author sees as the 7 different experience stages in the terrain of active grieving. At the end of each chapter, she summarises the stages and the key choices of each, and makes observations on what is normal at each stages and ideas on what can I do? at each stage
MY VIEW: insightful, practical and useful
PERSONAL NOTE: I am not sure if one reason that this book works so well for me is that Neelds experience of the sudden death and circumstances immediately after has many similarities with my own. I dont think its just that though
RECOMMENDATION: Highly Recommended
Carole Brody Fleet
OVERALL: Very positive; while I am still reading this one (2/3 through it) I have found it excellent and practical. This author also wrote Widows in Stilettos which I have bought but not yet read.
FORMAT: 10 main chapters, covering a range of useful topics (everything from feelings immediately after, sorting clothes and stuff, through to finances, and going on to later times and dating etc). In each chapter, there are excerpts from letters from widows who have written and then discussion, comment , suggestions and in some cases helpful lists of things to do/ think about eg. what absolutely cannot wait things that you should make every attempt to complete within 30 to 60 days..
MY VIEW: Practical and useful. I particularly liked the quotes from widows letters so many of these mirrored my own dilemmas, thoughts and feelings (made me feel normal and less alone). The format of grouped issues and topics means that I can go back to the topic as it comes up for me or I need it again
RECOMMENDATION: Highly Recommended
Christina Rasmussen
OVERALL: I really wanted to like this book more than I actually did. It is very positive which I like and does have a lot of good ideas.
FORMAT: The author proposes a Life Reentry Model a five-stage process moving from exiting the old life, through the gap between lives to experimenting with our new life through to fully living in our new life. The book encourages us to train our brains, making new choices and forming new habits choosing a new life and a new beginning
MY VIEW: I like the central premise of the book that we need to make active choices about our future and that we can draw on our inner resources to build a bridge to the future. I also like the idea that our brains are adaptive and powerful and that our thoughts can lead us to a brighter future. Overall, though there was a lot of stuff that didnt work well for me but could for others.
PERSONAL NOTE: For me, the fact that the book seems to group together all types of loss (all death losses, divorce, job loss, etc etc) jarred with me (although I recognise that could be just because I consider what we are going through as quite, quite different from other types of loss and the author does distinguish in various places). The other thing I found offputting was the cheerleading writing style I know you can do it and so on. While this may be the most effective style for others it just doesnt work for me.
RECOMMENDATION: OK but other books worked better for me. If you want to get an idea of whether this author might work for you, you can sign up to 30 daily emails or a weekly message for free at http://www.secondfirsts.com/30days/
BLUE NIGHTS
Joan Didion
OVERALL: I found these two memoirs incredibly moving and relevant to me, particularly Year of Magical Thinking about the year after the death of the authors husband although the second about the authors daughter and her death 20 months after her father was also excellent
FORMAT: Memoirs of the lives and deaths of the authors husband and daughter and an incredibly vivid retelling of the authors emotions and actions
MY VIEW: I found these books exceptionally well written and deeply moving. I found it extraordinary that the author could recount so accurately the absolute turmoil and confusion of what she went through. She allows us to share her pain and love so honestly and beautifully
RECOMMENDATION: Highly recommended
Brook Noel and Pamela D Blair
OVERALL: Very positive; this was one of the first books that I read and it helped me immensely through those very early days.
FORMAT: 23 main chapters, covering a range of topics, with chapters covering specific topics such a helping children, and suicide. In each chapter, there are thoughtful and helpful discussions on how to get through early days, the firsts, dealing with other people and myths and misunderstandings (which I found particularly useful).
MY VIEW: Practical and useful. I particularly liked the authors discussed what you go through in the first few weeks and the myths and misunderstandings section. The format of grouped issues and topics means that I can go back to the topic as it comes up for me or I need it again
PERSONAL NOTE: This book particularly resonated with me as it deals specifically (and well) with sudden loss.
RECOMMENDATION: Highly Recommended
Kathleen OHara
OVERALL: Very positive; this is one of the few books I found that deals specifically with sudden, violent death.
FORMAT: Presents 7 stages in the grieving journey from the initial shock, through locating and gathering our inner strength and resources, finding guidance and resources, learning to ride the waves in the ocean of grief, and living afterwards (acceptance, forgiveness and gratitude), generating creativity and embracing the new world. Deals with topics specifically relating to violent death and how to cope.
MY VIEW: Compassionate, practical and useful. Hopefully, not relevant to many but to those few is a lifesaver
PERSONAL NOTE: This book gave me some great pointers in how to deal with the most difficult situations other people wanting to know all the details, grieving publicly, dealing with police and authorities, periods of not knowing, court procedures, the trial etc etc.
RECOMMENDATION: Highly Recommended to those in this situation
Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas For Rebuilding Your Life ~ Genevieve Davis Ginsburg
For Widows Only ~ Annie Estlund (I liked this one)
When Your Soul Aches ~ Lois Mowday Rabey
Companion Through the Darkness ~ Stephanie Ericsson
I Will Not Be Broken ~ Jerry White
The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse ~ Mabry, Richard
Chicken Soup for The Greiving Soul ~ Jack Canfoeld, Mark Victor Hansen & Amy Newmark
Seven Choices ~Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper
Reflections of a Grieving Spouse: The Unexpected Journey from
Loss to Renewed Hope ~ H. Norman Wright's
Coping with Life After Your Mate Dies ~ Cushenbery, Donald C.
Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse ~Zonnebelt-Smeenge, Susan J.
The Light That Never Dies: A Story of Hope in the Shadows of Grief ~ William HendricksA
Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss ~ Jerry Sittser
Finding Your Way Through Grief, A Guide for the First Year ~ Marty Tousley
Waking Up Alone, Grief & Healing ~ Julie K Cicero
How to go on Living When Someone you Love Dies, ~ Therese A Rando
Widows Wear Stilettos, A Practical & Emotional Guide for the young widow ~ Carole Brody Fleet
I Wasn't Ready to say Goodbye ~ Brooke Noel & Pamela Blair
Healing After Loss by Martha W Hickman
Loving What Is, Four Questions that Can Change Your Life ~ Byron Katie
From One Widow to Another: Converstations on the New you ~ Miriam Neff
The Grief Club ~ Melody Beattie
A Widow's Story ~ Joyce Carol Oates
The Sisterhood of Widows ~ Mary Francis
Traveling With George: An Out-of-This-World Experience ~ Betty Waldron Portenlanger
Where Do I Go from Here? - Neff, Miriam
From One Widow to Another - Neff, Miriam
Life Lessons Two experts on death & dying teach us about the mysteries of life & living.
by ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & Davis Kessler
FROM ONE WIDOW TO ANOTHER by Miriam Neff
FINDING YOUR WAY AFTER YOUR SPOUSE DIES Martha Felber
GETTING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF GRIEF
THE TENDER SCAR by Richard Mabry
ON LIFE AFTER DEATH by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
HAPPILY EVEN AFTER by Carole Brody Fleet
I got something from each of these books and would recommend them all. My favorites were ON LIFE AFTER DEATH and HAPPILY EVEN AFTER.
SandyV1, I truly appreciate your reviews and insights!
During the early weeks, I could not concentrate well enough to read easily, which is unusual for me as I am an avid reader. I typically have 2 or even 3 books going at a time. But early on, it was impossible for me to concentrate and follow anything that long. I stumbled into a charity fundraiser book sale and picked up one of the "Live, Learn and Pass It On" books by H. Jackson Brown, Jr. It's a compilation of life comments from people ranging in age from 5 to 95. I could open that book up and as the passages are short, if I could only read one paragraph, I still got something out of it. Some of the life lesson comments were funny - like the 8-year old who learned that you can't hide broccoli from your Mom in a glass of milk. Others were poignant. Each was food for thought. So while it was not a grief book, it was extremely helpful for me to have while I was grieving. I could open it at random, read for whatever I could manage, and put it down. It helped me relax my mind some nights to help me sleep. (I had terrible sleep problems.)
Just a reminder: Check with your local public library for books, and you can always ask your librarian for assistance, too, in finding helpful books. If you can read the books for free from the library, it can help - most of us take a financial hit when we are bereaved, and sometimes the cost of books can be a problem, so take advantage of your public library. Hey - it's your tax dollars paying for it anyway! Sometimes I have tried books out from the library and then decided I wanted to own my own copy, and I have done that, too. The library is also good for DVDs and CDs, too.
Good post, thanks for doing it!
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Also, a thanks is due to sndpypr and glitterglamm as well for their suggestions, and to Martha not just for the suggestion of the Live and Learn book, but for the belly laugh as well - finally I know what not to do with that pesky broccoli! My youngest's theory over many years was to hide all annoying vegetables (cooked or raw) under the ottoman in the living room on the carpet, (with or without benefit of china) which made vacuuming an adventure! Martha's tidbit from the Live and Learn book brought it all roaring back! Thanks for the happy moment! Sandra
Its a very thin and fast reading book. I would say its more for the ...over a year widow, since its very light hearted. Its funny & quirky but so true in all she says. She is a comedy writer that lost her husband.
I had to get it on a inter library loan.