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Discussion:
Fear
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Today is 7 months since the love of my life died. I have been gripped with fear for these last few months. Scared of everything...my life....change...new people......where will I live.....what to do with things...my future without the man I had 33 years with. Its over whelming at times. Don't want to go out in public. Its all so scary. There are days I feel like I got it figured out. Then there are days like today that I'm just plain scared.
Posted on 05/14/14, 08:59 am
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Reply #11 - 05/16/14  9:49pm
" Look around you. In this minute, this second, you're safe. You have a place to live in this moment in time. You have food in this moment in time. You're not worrying about someone trying to hurt you in this moment in time. In short, you're safe. And that's the secret. Don't live in the future. You'll fear it because it's the unknown. And don't live in the past--there is too much pain there and there is nothing you can do about it.

The trick is living in this moment, this second. Remember as a child when you would go outside and play with your friends. Chances are you were enjoying the moment. You didn't worry about what was going to happen when you got home and you probably didn't spend too much time thinking about the past. You were living in the moment. Not in the past or future where pain and stress live.

There are days when I am afraid. At that time I focus on the here and now. I'll look around me and really see what is there. If I'm drinking tea, I think about the feel of the mug in my hand, it's smoothness, the taste of the tea as I swallow, the feel of my dog at my side. The way the trees sway in the morning. The feel of the wind on my face. I'll feel myself breathing in and out and notice how effortlessly this is.

I don't know if this works for everyone, but I can't tell you how well I sleet since I started doing this. "
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Reply #12 - 05/17/14  9:39am
" I was so scared after Cliff died, he had been my protector, my boys' protector, too. Then suddenly it was up to me to protect myself AND my boys. Friends wanted me to get a gun - I didn't want one, and they kept telling me I needed one, which just made it worse. Finally a girlfriend got me pepper spray which I kept on the nightstand. That helped. I also would leave all the lights in the house on - my electric bill was astronomical the first few months, but it was worth it to me to get through those terrible early days.

There are ways to feel safer, precautions you can take, to be proactive in your safety. Some police departments have a program where they will come and assess your house's security, for instance, or if their is a neighborhood watch program in your area, they often give talks on that. If you don't have access to pepper spray, get a can of wasp killer to keep by the bedside. It will shoot a distance, and it will disable an intruder long enough for you to get out and away.

Some widows here have found it helpful to get a dog. The house feels less empty and more secure with one, and you have a reason to get up and go out to feed and walk them. They give unconditional love, too, and appreciate the hugs you can give them as well. Sometimes those kinds of thing can be a real help.

Hope this helps....

Love and Hugs,
Martha "
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Reply #13 - 05/17/14  11:50am
" I, too, experienced fear after my husband died. We were married for 39 years and all of a sudden I was afraid to do things that I had done forever! Sometimes I would sit just paralyzed with fear at the thought of doing a certain task. Now, however, at a year and a half and a few sessions with a counselor, I have much of my confidence back and am feeling much more able to handle the things I have to do.

The time period that you are in right now was the most difficult for me. Six to sixteen months were extremely stressful for me. I have had a month now where life has not been a roller coaster for which I am very grateful. I will let you know if it is a permanent state or not in a few months. "
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Reply #14 - 05/17/14  3:41pm
" Fear is something I really relate to. I can't tell you how many times I have cried and said I just want to wake up and not feel afraid. For me the biggest fears now are financial and I just detest that because I know worrying about it won't help anything but man is it difficult to turn those thoughts off. I wake up in the middle of the night with it weighing so heavily I can't stand it. When the fear settles on me, I can physically feel it, this huge weight on my shoulders pushing me down.
I love what Truhal said about living in the moment, this second and I agree that is the trick and her tips were excellent. I am working on it daily because my greatest fear is that my fear will rob me of all the good things that are here now, in this moment. That quote just came to mind about the only thing to fear is fear itself. I never really understood it before.
I made a decision last night to go see Cavalia with my granddaughter to celebrate my birthday. I can't afford to do it, but I'm going to anyways because if I am hit by a bus on Wednesday I won't care that my bills aren't paid, I'll just be glad I saw all those beautiful horses on Tuesday. That's my theory anyways.
You are definitely not alone with your fear. I hope you have more good days soon. Take good care. ((())) Sue "
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Reply #15 - 05/21/14  12:47am
" I am praying that you will peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray also for all of us who are traveling this same path. May you strengthen to not let fear keep you anxious, but that you will go forward depending on the Lord to bring you through your pain. "
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Reply #16 - 05/23/14  10:02pm
" I am also fearful ... and in a way, I'm ashamed because my fears are so self-centered. After I suffered a heart attack in 2004, Sam often said, "Don't worry. I'll always take care of you." Now I find myself wondering "Who will take care of me if something happens?" We never considered the possibility that I would outlive him. "
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Reply #17 - 06/12/14  7:15pm
" I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughtful replies. Being able to come to DS is an answer to a prayer Peace. Colleen "
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Reply #18 - 06/12/14  9:34pm
" Colleen...fear is something we all face...for me it was never fear of crime or luckily finances. But looking down that road of the future and only seeing being alone and it looking so bleak. That's what brought fear to my heart...stark fear of an empty meaningless future and for years perhaps . When I wake up each morning, I'm hit with that feeling. Then I get up make coffee, turn on a morning news show and if I have to, I take a Xanax. Then I calm down and try to do something or be with someone to get out and about. If I can fill even part of the day, I'm better off. ..you'll be OK....Mary "

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