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Discussion:
Our Golden Rule - never speak in anger
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Throughout our marriage, the one "rule" that we always had and that was "the golden rule" in our little family was to "never speak in anger". I have been reading various posts and seeing that feeling anger is common. I am not angry at God, I'm not angry that he died (sad but not angry) but I have an overwhelming anger at our 2nd oldest daughter that I need to somehow release. I will try to keep this short but we have 4 daughters, 2 that still live at home. The two oldest I had prior to our marriage. Together we had two beautiful girls. Todd & I met when the oldest was only 3 years old - she is now 29, married and on her own. Approximately 10 years ago, the evil of crystal meth addiction came into our lives with the 2nd oldest daughter. Together, we were able to keep each other strong through the many tears, in & out of treatment centres and all of the things that addiction can bring into a family. Four and half years ago, she had our first grandson - we took him into our home when he was just under 2 years old when she fell to addiction once more and ended up in jail for trafficking. Our little Jordan will be 7 years old in December - he now lives with his father. His father was once an addict but with my husband's help, he is now a wonderful father and providing a beautiful home for Jordan. Our daughter got out of jail - we tried to get her moving in a good direction and it worked for a short period of time until it hit once again. She had another son in February 2011 - we ended up taking our beautiful little Carter in this past September when he was 7 months old (after a lengthy fight with social services) - the day that social services first took Carter was beyond horrific - it was the day that I saw my husband break down (I never, ever saw him that broken before or after) These two little boys have been a blessing and bring so much joy. Our daughter is once again in jail - we found out that she had another baby in May - only weeks before my husband had his heart attack. This baby is now in foster care in a different province. This is where my anger comes from - my husband was so heartbroken - he would say so many times "how come I can't get through to her". He didn't say much about this newest baby - we both knew that we didn't have the strength to take this baby in but I know how much it hurt me and how hurt my husband was about this. The last time that my husband heard my daughter speak was when she was saying over the phone that "he is a f'n a'hole" because we didn't feel we could take the baby. I know that she is feeling guilty and she has that burden to live with. My issue is that I cannot speak to her right now - I'm sooooooo angry. I know in my heart I need to tell her why I can't speak to her and plan to write a letter to her but I also do not want to hurt her with my words that my heart feels right now. I realize this is a very, very long post but I just need to somehow put this out there and by doing so, hope to find the words I need to express this
Posted on 08/10/12, 02:33 pm
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Reply #11 - 08/11/12  1:56am
" I can't really add anything that has not already been said but wanted you to know that I am sorry you are having to deal with this along with everything else......
You will know once you write the letter if you want to send it or not. Know that it is nothing YOU have done and sometimes the most painful things are the ones that we have no control over.....hugs "
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Reply #12 - 08/11/12  10:22am
" No one can hurt us like our children can--and, we will sacrifice and sacrifice in order to make things right for them. You have carried burdens on your shoulders that should have been your daughter's to carry--so anger is a normal response. Remember, though, that she is living a life that is being continually ripped to shreds by a demon that she has no strength to fight. I would write two letters--one to your daughter, and one to those demons... "
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Reply #13 - 08/11/12  11:28am
" I can not advise on something so hurtful as what you are forced to deal with. But I can feel the anger and pain in your words and want want to hug you and tell you how sorry I am. You will be in my heart and prayers. Sharon "
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Reply #14 - 08/11/12  12:50pm
" I love what Feather said so well. the anger that you carry is JUSTIFIED and it HURTS YOU to feel it as you LOVE your daughter.

I would write two letters. One telling your daughter of your anger and also how much you LOVE her.

another to the Illness that makes this so HARD for ALL involved. Your daughter cannot control this illness many times. It is NOT her. it IS the illness, and addiction....IS AN ILLNESS. Not one we EVER wnat for our children, but one that takes some over and all we CAN do is to let them know we love them, but that it is not tolerable the actions that come FROM the same illness.

My dad was mentally ill for many years. MANY times I wrestled with anger. ANGER at his actions, anger at the hurt caused to so many, anger at the fact that I could NOT cure it for him. In the end, I had to recognize that it is not my dad I'm angry at. it is the ILLNESS that made him do the things he did and say the things he said. It is HARD to get to that point....but YOU WILL.

and through it all, you will never stop loving your daughter...I never did my dad.

LOVE AND MANY HUGS of understanding....diane "
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Reply #15 - 08/11/12  1:46pm
" I am sorry you are suffering so because of your daughter and her problems. One of the things that struck me about your post was when you said that Jordan's father had turned his life around and that Jordan was living with him now. Jordan's father "hit bottom" and found there was a reason to clean up and that there was support for him doing that, too.

That same circumstance and opportunity has been there for your daughter. As long as she thinks - in whatever way and whatever fashion - that she can continue with no consequences, then she will not "hit bottom." If she doesn't hit bottom, she will not turn her life around ever.

It is true that some addicts never hit bottom. They never see anything worth fighting for. But many do - as Jordan's Dad illustrates.

I think your love and support can prevent her from hitting bottom. I think that if you make it clear to her that you are angry, that her actions are entirely unacceptable, that she is losing you and your support, that may be the best gift you can give to her. Why? Because it may be the straw that breaks the camel's back and makes her realize she is running out of chances to save her life.

It's harsh. I know it's terribly harsh. But so is having to raise your grandchildren, and having to explain why they live with you instead of their mother. It's going to be incredibly hard on the grandkids - her kids - growing up without a mother.

My husband Cliff was an alcoholic. He went into rehab and it didn't stick. Relapse after relapse, and I finally said 'enough.' I filed for a divorce, and he knew I would battle him for custody of our then 2-year old son. Being a father and wanting to be a better father than his own father had been is what saved Cliff's life. That was his "bottom." He could always entertain the idea that he would win me back until our son was involved. He knew I would stand my ground and not back down if my son's safety was in jeopardy. That's when everything changed. From that point on he stayed clean and sober and never broke that promise - and we had 20 more years together. And he was grateful for what I had done.

I don't know how it will play out with your daughter - no one can - but I think you need to set her straight about how you feel and the ramifications of what she's done. That's my two cents worth....

I am so sorry you have this burden on you, and I am glad you shared it here so that at least you can have our support through this.

Love and Big Hugs,
Martha "

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