Widows & Widowers Support Group

noanswers, the pain of losing your beloved husband remains as an open wound until healing begins. That healing comes in different forms--and at different times--to each and every one of us. Would your husband want you to suffer with this loneliness? Would you want his suffering to intensify if it were you who had died?

I truly understand why you don't want to be with others or leave your house, but to begin to see the world full of hope rather than despair means some self-talk must take place. Yes, you are alone--as well as so many others in the same situation. Do you want to be a person who others avoid or be a person who grabs hold of the life they have been dealt and plunges forward? That decision and its consequences are within yourself. Sometimes it's really hurtful and you only have enough energy to get through a few hours at a time.

Most of the time shortly after my husband died, I had to talk myself into getting out of the chair, getting into the car, and just taking a trip to the mall or anyplace where there were people. It was gut-wrenching to see all the happy couples (and most of the time I cried all the way home), but I did not want to have my husband's death define who I was becoming from that point on--a person who everyone felt sorry for and dodged because I made them uncomfortable with my sadness. Life really can stink sometimes!

Here are a few suggestions that may be helpful. How can you help others to feel comfortable around you? How can you encourage other widows in their time of need? How can you bring joy to your family when they are in your presence? I found that reaching out to others was a wonderful salve to my sorrow.

I hope this reply has not been offensive or hurtful, as I know your sorrow is so very present and part of you died the day your husband passed from this earth. You will get through this in spite of how it feels to you right now. Hold on and take a few steps forward at a time. You are quite brave to share your heart on this post. So many kind people here at Daily Strength. God bless you as you have the heart to join life again. TJ

I think if you stop doing your routines and stop going out then people are going to get used to you not being there and will disappear. If this were a world where my wishes would come true, then Gerardo would still be with me, or when he died I would have closed my eyes and joined him. The sad reality is that life does not work that way and your wants and desires over loved one are not to be. I have realized this and have allowed myself to move on and live. Happiness is all that I want.
Remember that your hubby will always be alive in your memories and your brain and heart, but you have to get up and live. Make a schedule for yourself. i.e. Mondays I will go for a walk, Tuesdays I will garden or sit outside and read (okay I haven't checked where you live, but you get the idea). I will tell you that you are the only person that will get you out of this whole. Yes, your friends will be there, but they are your support not your will power. Take a deep breath and say this (whether you believe it or not) "I will be okay, everything will be okay." Allow yourself to smile and move forward. Life will never be the same, but guess what Life will and can be a happy one once more. We are here for you sister don't you forget it. : )

I Think patholife gave you some very sound advice. Initially, I didn't want to see anybody or go anywhere. I only wanted to be with those closest to my heart. I just wanted to curl up and die or at the very least just lay in bed with my memories. But I forced myself not to wallow. My sons needed me to be strong for them. They were suffering too and I didn't want to add to there burden. A wise friend told me, " Sandy if you keep putting people off they'll stop calling".I got a puppy and needed to walk her. She and my cats are such a comfort and they are dependent on me. The sunshine and exercise helped. I also could feel Davids' presence so strongly and I didn't want him to see me nonfunctional because I felt this would cause him great pain. I tried to do the best I could so he would be proud of me. I took in all the beauty that surrounded me despite my inner bleakness and continue to do so. Sunsets, flowers, skies, warm breezes on my face, a babies toothless smile, the song of the birds they minister to me. I pray for Gods strength and comfort. Basically fake it till you make it. Reach out to others and allow them to reach out to you. People do go on with their own lives after awhile-expect it. Everyone has problems. Maybe you can help someone. Time to look outwards instead of inward. You will still have days like the ones you're having now bit if you find you can't break free you may need professsional help. Your level of isolation is not healthy.

"Fake it til you make it." I like those words. I fake it all the time, but you know, I am feeling somewhat better. I'd rather curl up in the corner of the couch and pull the blinds. But I forced myself to take a job I really didn't want (though I do need it) and it keeps my mind more active on other things. I may be a mess on the way to and from work, but at least I can function again.

Try it, noanswers. I truly think it works. My mantra: I can do this.

I would rather turn off the phone and pull the covers over my head and let the world go by. Instead I have forced myself to go out into the world. I don't do much socializing; I do spend much time alone, but it is getting easier for me to do things, to face life. After Mike died I realized that only I could talk myself into starting life again. As harsh as it may sound I sometimes say to myself, "He died, I didn't." I am also faking it, but I'm starting to make it again, and that feels good.

I also go for counseling, and it sounds like you may be depressed as well as grieving. Why don't you go and see someone? It can't hurt, and if you don't like it you can stop. But there are therapists who specialize in helping others through grief.

You were really brave to share your feelings. That's a very positive step. Everyone here is also in pain, so there's a lot of warm understanding. Hugs to you; people do care!

Thank-You all for your advice I appreciate it greatly.

We have all been in that dark place.From my own experience l have found that the only one who can help you is yourself.I know that there are support services,but they are not with you all the time and you are.Learning to find the new you is the hardest thing that anyone has to do ,its creating a new way of life just for you and it is hard,but possible.I just got sick of hating people who really looking back had not done anything to me,you have all these crazy emotions inside and they have to be dealt with,and the only one who can deal with them is you.Its not easy,you have days were you think what is the point in all this grief,but you hang on for the sake of your family,and then eventually,you hang on for you. Can l offer you some words of comfort that l found in a Buddist book,l have this attached to my husbands photograph, :All the feelings you are experiencing,they will all pass,even if they return they cannot last: With time you and all of us will find peace of mind and all learn how to move forward,always remembering our loved ones,who are just waiting for us,while watching over us.May you find peace. xx

I think we all have to "fake it" until we can relearn we have value without our loved ones. YOu must make that decision. No one can make it for you. One foot in front of the other. One day at a time. Tha tis all any of us can do. Every day I have to force myself to get out of bed and face this new world without him, alone. but I do it because he would have wanted me to go on. He would be very upset to see me do otherwise. I would be able to hear him from the other side if I didn't go on without him. I would have expected him to go on without me to move forward to live life and to make me proud of him so I know he would want the same for me.

I hope that helps.

Love and hugs,
Diane

Hi, I am not as far out in time as you - 11 months today, and my situation was a little different, but I do understand the part about realizing that you are truly alone in day-to-day things. My husband was in an assisted living facility for 4+ years after his first stroke, and I have never been able to drive, so that first year was particularly rough for me. After 15 years of having someone to depend on with a car, I had to re-learn how to grocery shop, get to work in snow storms, etc. without a car. When Stan died in December from his 2nd stroke, I made up my mind that I would move forward, not matter how painful; I would just keep myself moving, and I have. I have been unemployed for over a year and need to work, so that has motivated me to get up every morning and job hunt. I agree with the others who have said that it is important to get out frequently around other people, even if it is only a trip to the store, or church on Sunday, or whatever. You may want to expolore new hobbies or interests, groups where you do not require a partner and where you can mix with a variety of people, not just couples. It is your life now, and though you carry his love and wonderful memories with you always, you have to focus on living a new life, and finding the "new normal" as someone called it. Please try some of the things that have been suggested, and stay with us to let us know how you are doing. laurabp

I hit your darkness at 5 months, and spent 5 days in the hospital. It was a positive decision for me, and now I am able to start moving forward with short and long term plans. It doesn't ease the pain, nor the crying, nor the missing.

What I was not doing was reaching out to my friends and family for help. I was not changing things in the house to suit me. I was not inviting people to my home, nor was I going out with them. This has now changed, and for the better. I also adopted a cat, which is one of the best things I could have done.

I'm sure my dear husband was distressed watching my hospital stay, but I'm sure he remains proud of me and what I have been able to accomplish.

Advice to you is to seek counseling, join a support group, etc. Not being hard with this advice, just giving it. Yes, we are alone, but we still have God, friends and family who love us. We can still enjoy life and activities even though our husbands or wives have passed. But, there is no time line with grief or recovery. Like I've been told, you grieve as hard as you loved.