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Reply #1 -
11/01/09
6:37am
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I totally understand how you feel. It's been 20 months for me. In the beginning I even felt that way. My family wanted us to come and stay with them and I didn't want too. For me, I got sick of everyone making comments about how I should feel. If you don't feel like being with anyone this year, be honest and let them know you want to be alone. We did it last year. Me and kids did it totally different and it wasn't has hard for us. You need to do what is right for you. Take care, Sharon 
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Reply #2 -
11/01/09
6:50am
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yoy should do what your heart tells you to do,if you feel that being around family will upset you then tell them,if they care for your feelings they should understand how you are feeling.From my own experience it is nearly 1 year since my husband died,and l am often asked to go to various places to (cheer me up) but sorry sometimes l don,t want to be cheerful and l would not be much company sitting with a miserable face in the company of others.All this will change l,m sure with time,family are sometimes supportive but other times they drive us mad.My advice to you would be go with the flow all the feelings we are experiencing will pass with time and hopefully we will become stronger people. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel so helpless and alone but we are all surviving and will become stronger l,m sure. May you find peace xx
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Reply #3 -
11/01/09
12:40pm
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You probably are not going to be able to get through this without offending someone. You should, however be able to explain that you have made your own holiday plans this year, and decided to celebrate a little bit differently. You should not have to explain and justify this to everyone, but just be a little bit assertive if people start pressuring you. Good luck. laurabp
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Reply #4 -
11/01/09
4:06pm
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I share your feelings. the 13th of this month will be 1 year since the love of my life died. I have some of the same emotions you do concerning being single in a group and wanting to be alone with my memories and thoughts. My two daughters are very supportive and I don't hesitate to talk with them. I listen to a lot of music during the day and watch old classic movies. My photos and memories and vital to me. I suggest you to be you in every way possible. If someone ask me a personal question or make a comment I don't want to respond to I smile and offer no reply. Wish you the best.
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Reply #5 -
11/01/09
5:07pm
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It has been 2 and 1/2 years for me. I now force myself into doing things sometimes I enjoy them and sometimes I just don't but I keep trying. I feel that detachment too when together at a family gathering like I am just watching and not interacting I know it is all my doing and only I can change it so I have been trying harder. I don't like the feeling and I want to enjoy things again. I think we all just have to do what feels right to us there is no right way to grieve and no time frame.
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Reply #6 -
11/01/09
9:27pm
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Caroline, it's really hard to be with others during the holidays, but I found that being by myself didn't make me feel any better. After a little while had passed, I decided to accept the invitations and see how it went. To my surprise, it usually kept me from spending the time focusing on the pain I felt at the loss of my husband. There were times, though, when I made an "executive decision" to be by myself. I just needed the time to be sad for a while. I learned that it was OK to do that also, so I gave myself permission to do whatever seemed best for me on any given occasion. Being with others soon became more pleasurable and I didn't feel like a fifth wheel or a pity case. You need to take care of yourself emotionally and do what brings you comfort and peace. Blessings to you. TJ
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Reply #7 -
11/02/09
7:21am
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Caroline,
First, I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 2 1/2 months for me since my best friend has gone on to heaven. His family is different and now I can see things clearer as an "outsider". They live in a bubble and think things should be a certain way and when it is not, then others are "weird" or "strange". I know exactly how you feel. I didn't get much help from his family at all (with the execption of his brother & family) and they still don't call or offer any kind of help. If you want to be alone for the holidays, try to have enough courage to tell them you just want to be alone. Taking care of myself is something that I am still in the process of learning how to do. You need to concentrate on doing what is best for you, not what others think you should do. If they do truly care, they will respect your wishes. Good luck and let us know how it goes. Take care, bfisgone
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Reply #8 -
11/02/09
12:18pm
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I can relate to your feelings completely. It will be 2 years for me on 12-22. I still feel that way from time to time. I am pushing myself to get out more and except invites from friends. You have to do what is best for you and yes there will be some people that won't understand and be hurt. I have run into that many times over the last 22 months. I know that people mean well and want to cheer you/us up but sometimes especially around the holidays, anniversaries etc we just need to do whatever it is that helps to get through the event. Last year at the 1 year mark the kids and I just left town. There were a few that were hurt because we didn't include them in our plans but we just needed to be us our little family and honor their father and my husband in our own way privately. This year it will be 2 years and not sure what we will do and again it falls just 3 days before Christmas and I am still having a difficult time with what to do. Sending you hugs and hope that everything works out for you.
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Reply #9 -
11/02/09
1:25pm
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I'm new at this at just 3 weeks but I relate...it seems people move on quick and no longer want to hear about or discuss the pain and sorrow..I am already noticing this...someties you need to talk, sometimes you just need to be alone with the pain...I understand about the holidays...I dread this coming season...trying to get thru without making people feel uncomfortable because of me and my grief that is so evident on my face...I seem to have aged 10 years...never had big black bags under my eyes til now! So I say just tell people you aren't going to come, be firm, do whatever you want to do and need to do for yourself and for your peace of mind....if they are offended so be it, they'll get over it. God bless you and heal your pain. Hugs
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Reply #10 -
11/02/09
8:57pm
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Hi Caroline: I do not want to put myself in a position at a family gathering that my husband and I used to share. The thought of having that empty chair at the table is unbearable. Not sure what to do about the holidays with family but I know it is time to change the old traditions. Sometimes you just need to make your own plans and if you offend someone...well so be it. We are not out to offend anyone but if need be...look after your needs first right now.
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