Widows & Widowers Support Group

I understand what you are talking about. I have sent you a separate message, but I have not cried much either. I get teary-eyed but I have not broke down and cried since he has passed. It could be because he was ill for so long.Not sure. But I know that everyone grieves in their own way and that's okay too.

I don't think there is a "proper" way to grieve. I don't think I cried very much in the beginning there was always people around. When everyone left there came a time when I just lost it. That kinda opened up the floodgates. Now I can sometimes go days without crying and then it seems like that is all I do. I think there will come a time when you can begin to grieve.

My husband, and best friend, passed a little over 2 weeks. I seldom have crying jags. Perhaps it will hit me later. My hubby was my whole life, we did everything together. You would not see one without the other. I find it hard to look at his picture. Yes, everyone grieves differently.

When my husband was diagnosed in 2002 and I read about the kind of cancer he had - I knew he would not ever go into remission. I cried bucket and bucket (mostly by myself) Thru the funeral I didn't cry at all - I have cried some in the last couple of months ( I'm 5 months out) - I think everyone has their own way of grieving - it's not just the crying.

When my husband died in 2008 I had a couple very bad melt downs. I did a lot of crying day and night........it was very hard. We knew he would not make it during the short time he was sick ...dec. 3 to jan 23. During that time were were in/out hospital 4 times. We went home for him to die. He wasn't home 24 hrs before he passed. With Bobby, my second companion, I found him dead and I have cried every day since Aug. 25. I think the shock of finding him dead had a lot to do with it plus the definite sudden loss. Everyone grieves differently. I don't think I could ever go without crying.......I'm too sentimental. It's a day to day journey and we each experience it differently. Best of luck to you.....

Not everyone cries. I've seen this in my own family. When my dad died, my mother remained dry-eyed. When my mother died, my son didn't cry for months. Then one day it hit both of them and the tears flowed. My husband though could always push all my buttons. I never cried when I was angry, except with him. And now, I've cried every day, sometimes just a few tears and sometimes to the point I feel I can't stop. Just because you're not crying does NOT mean you didn't love him.

I was concerned at Don's wake and funeral because I wasn't crying. Actually the only conscience emotion I felt was priveleged to have had him for 40 years of marriage. I actually asked the funeral director if there was something wrong with me. He assured me that I was fine.
The truth as someone put is we all grieve differently and also different at different times. I ended up crying about Don later when I missed him tremendously.
My mom passed away in Feb. this year and I was saddened, but I truly grieved for her many years before she passed. I grieved when her dementia got so advanced she didn't know me or anything else. There are a lot of reasons we cry and a lot of reasons we don't. I believe what ever your are feeling is the way you are suppose to feel. Accept where you are and honor those feelings. Sharon

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I have only cried during one movie and that was because I could understand the hardship the character was going through. I guess for now, I will accept the fact that I shouldn't have to cry all the time and that is OK and the waterworks might come later, but they might not.

I feel bad because I have encouraged people to cry and I realize now that some people who do not feel like crying might feel like there is something wrong with them. There definately is nothing wrong with not crying.

What I have been talking about is people who try to avoid their grief and pain for fear of crying or for fear of appearing weak, or for reasons of guilt. When someone avoids everything associated with their lost love, it often leads to depression that does not go away until years later when they face their loss.

I am not talking about people who are in touch with their feelings and are okay with crying, but do not feel like crying. I agree that we are all different and whatever you feel like doing is what you should be doing.

When a person hides from the pain and does not allow themselves to feel their feelings, it is not healthy. It sounds to me like you are in touch with your feelings and are okay with them no matter what they are. I see no avoidance in what you are talking about.

Many people without knowing it have done a lot of their grieving before they even lost their loved one.

Grieving is different for everyone and I am sorry that I contributed to you thinking there is something wrong with you if you are not crying.

In some of the books that I have read about grieving there are a lot of adults that when they were children they lost a parent and it was taboo to talk about them because their surviving parent might have cried. They grew up to feel like their was something wrong with them because they had feelings that they could not express. All talk about how children grieve too and need to be allowed to talk (or act out if that is how it comes out with them) without fear of driving away the parent that they still do have.

Please accept my apology to anyone that feels like there is something wrong with them because they do not "fit the norm." There really is no normal and what I want to express the most is that everyone needs to allow their feelings and emotions no matter what they are and be kind to themselves.

-Diana