Widows & Widowers Support Group

Hi Supportin,
As a widower myself I have a few comments for you. First of all let her know that "You are there for her" wether it is just to lend an ear, give a hug or what ever. Let her know that you don't know what she is going thru but you are there. It doesn't do any good to say "he is better off" or "he is without pain now" (not knowing the circumstances of his death). My husband had a heart attack and I didn't want to hear how he was better not suffering as I was suffering. She will go thru so many stages of grieve. You may want to attend a greiving meeting with her as well for more insight.

I give you so much credit as a friend for finding this site and caring enough to want to help her. You deserve a hug just for that. Of course let her know about this site as it has helped me tremendously.

I send my deepest sympathy to your friend.

Listen, listen, listen! Be there for her when she needs to talk and don't judge her. This is going to be a very long, difficult and lonely journey for her and the best thing for you to do is just be there when she needs you. Right now she has people coming out of the woodwork, but in a month - everyone will go on with their lives and hers will stand still. In six months she will be so lonely she won't know what to do, check in on her - invite her out to eat, shopping or whatever and don't feel discouraged or badly if she doesn't want to go. Just be there to talk to, bounce ideas off of and let her cry on your shoulder - she will need it.

You are such a wonderful and caring friend to start this discussion. The best thing you can do is check on her every day and listen to her. Encourage her to get out and to pamper herself (pedicures, massages). It is such a tough thing to go through and she will really need you. Don't tell her that it takes time to heal any of the other things that have already been mentioned. When she can talk about her husband, maybe you can remember some good things to share too. Maybe you could find some good books on grieving for her and definitely, the best thing you could do, is to tell her about DS. It is very healing to read all of the posts and to make friends with the others that are going through this. Everyone is at a different stage of grief and it is good to know that you are not alone. Here's a big hug for you being such a great friend. Shirley

Be there for her and most of all listen to her. I recently lost my husband and like Shirley said at the beginning you have all these people coming, calling and checking and then it stops and that is when it gets harder. Your friend will need a shoulder to cry, an ear to listen and a friend to hug so be there. Listen to her even if she repeats the same thing over and over. This is the most difficult journey and tears become our best friend. Let her know that she can depend on you for whatever she needs. Please be kind. You are a great person for wanting to help her. Suggest to her to come to this website, it has been very helpful to me. God Bless you . Hugs Linda

Thank you for being such a wonderful friend. All responses are correct. Be there. That is the main thing. After the "dust" settles it gets very lonely!!!!! If you could have a set day every week, or more if needed, to go somewhere or stay at home with her it would be a day she can look forward to. I have found, as many have, the phone calls, visitations, etc slow to almost nothing. It is very lonely. Thank you for your help with your friend. Bless you. JulH

When it first happened I found that I would repeat the same thing over and over.. just trying to make sense of it all. I am sure my best friend was sick of hearing it, but she listened without judging and made me feel supported and loved.

Also, some friends thought that I should "move on", I hated those words. My best friend understood that even now 3 months later.. it is still so soon for me, where others think that it has been long enough.

The first year is so full of first everythings.. first holiday without him, first birthday without him.. etc. Each one is so painful. Remembering your friends special occasions and planning to spend time with her that day would be a kind thing to do.

Each month on the date that he died is always tough. My best friend sent me an email to say that she is thinking of me that day, and knows how hard it is for me. It really made so much difference to feeling alone vs. feeling supported.

I wish you all the best. I feel so bad for all the weight I have put on my best friend, I know it has not been easy for her. I couldn't have gotten through this without her, and I am sure your friend feels the same way. Your help and support will mean more to her than words can express.

Everyone has given such great advice. All I can say is be her friend, listen without judgement, and let her cry if she needs to. Talk about her husband and the good memories. It's okay if she cries, she will lead you in whatever she needs.
Your a great friend. She's lucky to have you. You might also suggest she visit us when and if she wants. Sharon

Great answers everyone. Let her cry, to be able to cry and not to have feel guilty about it would've been the very best gift. I also recommend you send her here, it is such a comfort to be able to talk and vent with people who know exactly how you feel.

Be there for her, and don't ignore her. I can name so many people that have dropped off my frien I wads list after Dennis passed. I don't know if me being widowed made them uncomfortable or if they figured because I was from a last family who lived nearby (Same City) if they felt that I was ok.

Send a car, with a Thinking of you Message.

It's been two years for me and Everyone knows with Dennis passing I lost our house, my job, my own mom, I've had to relocate and just a call once in a while to see how I am would be wonderful. In closing check on her from time to time.