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This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life aft...
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Unable to cope, ashamed at work
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I'm new here. I was widowed three and a half years ago at the age of 36 and I still miss him terribly. My husband was only 42 and we were very much in love. People expect me to move on, so, I have become an introvert, keeping the grief to myself. Initially I used to express my feelings to a close friend of mine, I had a wake up call when she said she could not help me because she could not understand my pain because she had not gone through what I was going through. I could understand what she was saying, but it was very hurtful. That was the last day I ever mentioned anything about my pain to anyone. Recently, i was moved to a new team in my office and i had a new manager, who was located in a different state. Soon after, he came to visit our office and he asked if I was married. I told him that I had lost my husband but then I could not control my emotions. It is even now such a delicate topic to me, I was bottled up with emotions, and the moment my marriage topic was brought up, I could not control myself at all. I ended up with tears however hard I tried to control. He seemed understanding, but I feel terrible to have let my emotions show up in work place, in a professional environment. Would my manager have considered me unprofessional? I was so ashamed of myself but I was so helpless. Even today when the topic of marriage or husband comes up, I find it hard to control my tears. Every time I thik of the episode with my manager, I feel horrible. How can I overcome the shame? Does anyone else experienced similar situation? Thanks!
Posted on 07/05/09, 01:07 am |
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I lost my husband almost 2 years ago.I feel exactly like you do.Reading your story I felt like I met my match. You can't help it some times due to the intensity of the loss.I try to be strong for the sake of my children and you should too.Merely sharing our story will ease the pain to a certain extent and reading about others' grief will equally let us know that our situation is better after all.
Just hang in there.I'll keep you in my prayers. 
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Hi, You forgot one thing and that is you are the one grieving! So don't let others tell you how long to grieve! Do all you need to do to get you better! Read, pray, meditate, and relax, in time things will get better! Only with God's help!
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It has been 2 1/2 yrs for me and it happens to me. Most are understanding but those who have not lost someone cannot understand what we are going through, they also don't know what to say. It is nothing to be ashamed of; I have a girlfriend who is still very emotional even after 3 1/2 years, too. It is normal.
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You don't have anything to be ashamed of. Remember, your boss most likely has his spouse and won't be able to relate unless he is walking or has walked in your shoes. And counseling is the only way to go. I was hesitant to joint a bereavement support group, but I did. My husband was the most important person in my life. We were each other's world, and now it is just me. I don't have a problem talking to anyone that will listen, but I find as hard as they try, they really can't understand the impact. But they are there for me regardless.
Try the counseling. What do you have to lose?
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We will never get over our loss. It was unfair and it hurts and it will go from a raw wound to someday scars from the raw wound, but we will never forget...nor would we want to. This was the love our our life and we need to grieve such a horrible loss.....
How long......the answer is until! Everyone's until is in their own time and the sooner we are okay with all of our feelings and emotions the sooner we accept our humanness. We are humans as we are meant to be. If you told me it was ten years and you were still grieving and the wound was still raw, I would say that is the way you are meant to feel. You are you and you have a right to every feeling and emotion that you feel because it is yours and no one else completely walks in your shoes. There is no end to grieving, we just get better at allowing it to wash through us and to place one foot in front of the other and take a step. If you are only able to live moment to moment, do that. And find true friends that you can totally be yourself with. You deserve to be able to express yourself with people who care for you and do not try to make you fit their timeline. God bless you. Just please remember that your until is okay no matter what. Be kind to yourself and do not put yourself down for being you. You are just the way you were meant to be. No one ever has the right to tell you otherwise and if they do it is their problem, not yours. -Diana
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