Widows & Widowers Support Group

I can related to some, but not all. That's normal.

The whole "move on" thing is a bit insulting, people are afraid of grief (because it reminds them or their own or their partners mortality), this is one reason why they are driven to try and push people to move on. So it's often more a reflection of their own fears .

I've had issues at work related to my grief too. While I still believe I am in the right I can see that will not be the view of my managers. So you do need a safe environment to express your grief.

DS is good for that, but perhaps you could do with some professional support from a grief counsellor, one so you have someone you can express yourself to and two to help you with the impacts of your grief at work.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with Acuriousfish. I was able to get counseling after my husband's death through the Employee Assistance Program through my work. I received a lot of support from my boss, managers, and coworkers, but like you I felt ashamed that I was breaking down on the job - I was plagued with grief bursts for quite some time - and because I had always been a strong, in-charge kind of person, it scared people. I got counseling (and counseling for my sons as well) and let my boss and managers know so that they would recognize that I was doing all I could to deal with it. That might or might not be appropriate where you are - some offices are pretty strict about keeping personal problems out of the workplace. Counseling helped enormously for me - it was my private place to scream and cry and get it all out, and you have to get it out. I needed that as I have to be "responsible" everywhere else in my life (my sons had a hard time coping with me breaking down, just as my coworkers did). Being here at DS also helped, I found so much love and support and understanding here, so will you.

I also want to recommend a book to you that I think would help; I read a few books on grief, but the one that really made an impact and helped with my healing was "Seven Choices - Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld, PhD. You may find it at the library or you can order it in paperback inexpensively from Amazon.com. It's written by a widow who is a writer, and it is extremely well-written and thoughtful and helped guide me through what I was feeling. She too was widowed young and unexpectedly. The grief books written by shrinks were just too cold and clinical for me, I needed to read something by someone who had been through it. I HIGHLY recommend this book.

I also wanted to say 'welcome to the group' - I'm sorry you had to find yourself here, but know that we understand and we will be there for you. Love and Hugs, Martha

Hi there, I lost my fiance at 44 years old to a vehicle accident. He was 47. It has been 6 years and I still tear up and probably always will. Don't worry about your work incident. It happened to me too as I am sure it has happened to a lot of people in our shoes. After all, we are only human. The fact that it is three and a half later years is no one's business. Go easy on yourself. It is very difficult to go through this at our age. I feel like I was not young enough [and then have the desire to build a new relationship] and not old enough [to be somewhat satisfied with my life so far]. Our age just adds another layer to our grief. Please see my blog at http://www.thealchemyofpain.blogsi... which will hopefully give you a sense that you are not alone. Best to you, Judy

I am sorry for your loss and I certainly can understand your feelings when the subject is brought up. Please don't feel ashamed for being human. I don't know how I would react in your situation, I have to think that an emotional switch can be turned on by a number of things in our minds and we aren't always prepared to see or hear them. Don't beat yourself up over this, it has nothing to do with strength, will, professionalism or anything else--we are human first! You can not separate these emotions from your work persona, but perhaps a little counseling may be useful at this time, especially since you are feeling so horrible about it. Maybe just getting some of these feelings out may lessen some of your pain. Bottling up our emotions might delay the healing process or grief process.

I am sorry you are still struggling after three and a half years. It is not clear how you grieved right after you lost your husband but I suspect that you withheld your emotions and feelings for a long while (you said you became introverted). The advice that seems to be common to all professionals dealing with grief is that in order to release our fears and emotions we need to talk, talk, talk about everything (the death of our spouse, the memories of our spouse, our fears and concerns, our guilt ... everything). If you go to a counselor they will focus on helping you talk about these issues. What is great about this online support group is that you can also communicate these feelings and memories here.

For those who have recently lost their spouse the time to talk about everything is now. I do not believe that it is an embarrassment to cry in front of anyone about the death of your spouse IF it is done within many months of your loss. Since it has been over three years I can see why you would worry about being embarrassed about crying. I think the thing to focus on is finding an environment where you can talk, talk, talk about everything ..that might be here or a local support group, or a friend or a counselor.

Never feel ashamed for you tears of loosing your loved one. God bottles each of our tears and with each tear there will be joy. I am not sure how your faith is but that is one of the things that got me through my hard times as well as talking as much as people would listen to me and then when then didn't I would talk out loud to myself or to my husband whom I lost almost 2 years ago he was 47 years old . I still have bad days and I feel we all will as long as we are here on this earth .....but it means how much we loved them and the whole in our heart will never be filled by others we learn to adjust to the change of what once was our normalcy in life with our loved ones . None of its easy NONE of it but it can and will get better allow yourself your emotions let it all out.

There is nothing to be ashamed of, I did a lot of crying at. if they are any kind of decent people they will understand, and if they don't, the heck with them. This goes for friends also. if your tears bothers them, than that is their problem. DO not be ashamed.

NEVER be ashamed of your feelings... They are yours and you have every right to them.. I found.. for me at least.. being active.. moving.. doing stuff helped.. join a gym.. go to church.. volunter for a good cause.. Counseling can be very helpful.. get a pet.. My little kittne has helped me a lot.. I wish you all the best and hope you start to feel some positive vibes again soon..

Look, I'll just tell you all right now. If anyone ever thinks I am going to "get over" that wonderful man who touched my life in such a beautiful way...they'll have to think again. I will NEVER get over him. He will always be a part of who I am. He was my whole entire world. I know that I can learn to deal with the grief. I think that that is happening slowly. If it weren't for the grief support group I attend, I wouldn't be as far as I am now. Which, by the way, is not very far! It is just a loss that is impossible to "get over". You don't "get over" this!? I wish you all the best Ema91 and hope that you will continue to let some of your grief out here. We understand...we know...and we listen good!!! :) I am so sorry that we all had to become members of this club but, here we are. So, lets help one another. Keep coming here. Read, write, be honest and don't be ashamed of your feelings. You are exactly where you are supposed to be and don't let anyone take that away from you! Hugs and positive thoughts coming your way!!! Jen

It really bothers me to hear people say the words "move on". There is no moving on. I can't believe how many people say " I am so glad you are moving on", Don't they realize that I am not moving on? I think about him every minute. He was my whole world.

I think that you may have trouble bottling your emotions because you don't have an outlet to release them. Perhaps if you had a counsellor to talk to, and even a local support group to talk about your personal struggle, perhaps it would help to ease your emotions when you are at work? I also think this site is very helpful. I found a local support group through my community news letter.

I feel bad talking to my best friend, because I feel like I am always talking about this, always crying, and I feel like I am draining her energy. So coming to this site each day, and pouring out my emotions has been quite helpful.

Please don't feel ashamed about showing your emotion. Your boss is human, and I am sure has gone through personal struggles of his own. Perhaps he understands more than you realize.

I also think that if you start to let those feelings out, it will not only help you to cope better with your loss, but it will also help you feel less helpless and let go of any shame you may have felt.

I wish you peace of mind, and the strength to get through this.