Widows & Widowers Support Group

I can certainly relate to your feelings of fear regarding dating, especially since it is so different these days if you have been "out of circulation" for decades. I know I would not begin to know what was expected on a date, or how to know who to trust, etc. in today's world. Would your friends be willing to include you some group activities where you could meet their friends without actually dating as such? Also I would think that if you wanted to join some clubs or groups on your own, as well, that you could make new friends first without actually dating; then take the next step when you are ready.

Ditto on the last reply. There is nothing wrong with having friends. If you are not ready to step into the dating scene, don't. Go out and have a good time, you deserve it. Let life takes its natural course and if there is someone lucky enough to be part of your life you will know. : ) Have fun, meet people and enjoy life, you deserve it!

Shirley: I think you read my one journal entry (My Love Story) so you probably will not be surprised if I say that one of my goals on DS is to encourage members to become "Open" to bonding with someone else ... someday. While many people can be happy without a "special" person in their life I believe that everyone would benefit from bonding with someone who could be the "mirror to their soul" ... someone who would reflect our goodness and motivate us to care and love others in our life.

Having said that I realize that it is not easy for most of us to become open to bonding with someone else and when your life experience is built around a single relationship with one great partner for so many years ... there are many practical hurdles to jump over ... even if one becomes open to bonding with someone else.

My first advice is to try to accept that IF you met the right person that it is OK to bond with that person.. Your husband would want you to be happy and fulfilled and if that involves another partner he would want that for you. If the roles were reversed you would want him to be happy.

If you can accept that it would be OK to bond with someone then I would suggest that you allow yourself to date other men ... if the opportunity arises... but that you take small steps at first.

I personally feel that there is a much better chance at bonding with a widower because they would more likely understand both your feelings about your loss and they would understand your concern about dating anyone else. They would probably have the same concerns.

If you date someone and it does not work out ... that's OK ... it will just make your next date a little easier. Getting comfortable talking to other men ... about anything ... is part of the "moving on" experience.

In any case you will be taking a risk if you date anyone but life is all about taking risks ... unless you are willing to risk you will most likely miss incredible opportunities that could lead to much happiness and love.

I hope this helps .... Tom

This is a good topic. I have alone for six months now, but it doesn't seem that long. I am lonely for the kind of companionship that dating would provide. But at the same time I simply can't imagine becoming close to another man, it would be frightening to me. I seem to have both things going on at the same time, it is a true conflict of emotions. I do enjoy spending time with groups of friends that have always been mutual friends of my husband's and mine, and they are very respectful. But some of them are single men, and I feel awkward with them more than the ones who are married. It is a bizarre feeling, I can't quite explain it, I wonder what they are thinking....does this make any sense? I guess I believe that as time passes I will figure it all out.....

Are you feeling pressured by your friends to 'move on'? I had people asking me about dating when I was only a couple of months into my widowhood. Some people will try to rush you into dating to rush you out of grieving. Take whatever time you need. If you don't feel that your friends are pressuring you, then just be straight with them and tell them you'd like to make friends first as you aren't ready for anything more serious yet and that you need to go slowly. We all need friends and companionship. But when you've been with one person for decades (I was with Cliff for 3 decades), it's scary as hell to suddenly find yourself 'single' and trying to figure out the dating scene. Or even trying to figure out if you SHOULD be trying to figure out the dating scene! Guilt feelings, feeling like you're 'cheating' to even be thinking about it, are common from what I've seen. (We trained ourselves to be faithful for years after all and old habits die hard.) I also had a lot of anxiety about starting a new relationship because, let's face it, I'm not a hot 20-something, and I couldn't imagine anyone wanting me for me, I didn't think another relationship was possible for me. Like so many other things on the grief journey, it means finding courage and facing your fears. Personally, I'm glad I did find the courage to take the risk. And I agree that probably a widower will understand much more than someone who hasn't had this kind of loss. Bottom line is take what time you need and only do what you're comfortable with, and if you find your heart is open to another relationship, allow yourself to be happy and loved. Love and Hugs, Martha

I have heard people talk about similar situations, and I have experienced it myself too. People are so insensitive sometimes, saying things like "You're young, you will meet someone." or "You're still young; you can go on again." It's just like a slap in the face to what my loved one meant in my life.

I think often times other people decide THEY are ready for you to stop grieving, and the best cure they can think of is ANOTHER MAN. Do they think life is really that simple? Maybe. They think they know just the thing that will FIX you, but what they don't realize is that there is nothing that will FIX what has happened to your life.

Don't let other people put you on THEIR time table. You will know when you are ready for another relationship--and IF you are ever ready for a relationship. Until that time, people need to be respectful of what you have gone through and the enormous loss that has happened in your life--and NO--a date on the town is not going to solve things!

I am glad that you raised this subject as it has been bothering me for over a month now.

I have been widowed for 16 months now. The first year was spent in what I see now as a drug enduced grief stricken coma - or fog - then as I came out of this fog I longed so much for male company.

I did call an old boyfriend - just to hear a familiar male voice and ended up howling afterwards because I realised how much I actually missed my man. The poor guy on the phone didnt even realise this - bless.

Now 16 months on I feel alive again and long to be with a guy - to listen to him, talk about guy stuff and yes have a sexual relationship. But what I want in my mind and how i go about doing it is a world away. I have been chatting on line to a guy who seems really genuine and nice but I just cant take the next step and meet him. I feel frightened, guilty, desire, in fact every possible emotion going so until I can calm down I have put everything on ice.

So how do we do it - how do we go about dating again. This is not like a divorce whereby the love disappeared before the end of the divorce, I loved my man up to the minute he died and then every minute afterwards. How can you put that aside for another - it is so difficult and i can appreciate your dilema and thinking of you.
LNO

I am sorry for your loss. Don't be in a hurry to date, give yourself time to greave. I lost my wife in 2005, and tried to date in 2006. I just wasn't ready, I spent too much time talking about my wife. This lady understood, and she and I are still friends, and like you, I think about dating, but I have decided not to be in too much in a hurry.

The best thing you can do is to stay active. Three months after my wife died, aI joined athe singles group at my church. This kept me from being too lonely, and gave me new friends to be with, who were supportive of me. Donniek

You have every right to be fearful. Society is different today versus the way it was when we met and dated our spouses. You cannot take anyone for face value, and really have to question if what they say is true. You don't know their previous lifestyle, etc. And there are more sexual diseases out there today than what we remember. As far as protection, the only sure way is abstinence.

Not meaning to scare you, but these are facts now. I don't even entertain the thought, for I am happy just the way I am.

It's only necessary to date if that is something you actually want in your life. It is no one else's decision but your own.