Video Game Addiction Support Group

Poettess,

My wife belonged (still does) to a clan (she didn't do WOW). They did the same thing; they made her feel bad about not playing and really harassed her. It was awful. I hated those people like I've never hated anyone. They didn't care that they were encouraging her to destroy her marriage.

The other aspect of this was that she was a girl (and not an unattractive one at that) in a guy's world. They took pride in having a hot girl in the clan. So, they fought hard to keep her. The clan fell apart due to other political issues, and when she left she was sought after by a number of clans.

The downside of all this was that they really built up her ego and made her thing she was the hottest thing since the invention of the three-way. You can't fight that. You have a bunch of people telling your wife she's hot and fun and sexy and the most valuable thing in gaming vs. me telling her she needed to come back down to earth and give up the adulation.

I won, but it wasn't be challenging what they were telling her. In fact, I built on it. I appealed to her ego too. I took (tasteful) sexy pictures of her (something she wanted) and let her put them on Facebook. I knew I was taking a chance, but it worked out. It wasn't me telling her she wasn't sexy vs. a dozon men telling her she was.

Sorry to write so much today, but I writing all this made me realize how I was successful in getting my wife back. I figured out what she was getting out of her addiction, and gave it to her. I honestly didn't even see it until just now. We had been married for six years, she was nearing 40, and all these guys were making her feel better about herself and that she was still desirable.

So, perhaps if you sit and talk with your husband about the game (and he will LOVE that) he might tell you exactly what's missing from his life that he's filling with WOW.

For god's sake, don't ask him directly. He won't open up to that. Just start off asking about his character and his last quest. Ask him every day for a week. If nothing else, you will drawl him back into this world with you for a bonding moment -- which can't hurt. Listen for a recurring theme. For my wife it was how hot they all thought she was.

I'm not kidding when I say this: if he goes on about how strong and powerful his character is, you need to start finding ways to tell him HE is strong or powerful. If it's about the adventure, you might take a road trip. If it's about hanging with his friends, you two need some real world friends to hang out with together. You might even sign up and join him in playing for a week to see what's going on for yourself. Even if you don't like games. Remember, you're not doing this for fun, but to save your family. And who knows, you might even have some fun along the way.

Whatever you do, don't get mad at what you see or hear. Just try to understand the reasons behind it. Even if he's flirting with girls. It's all just a sign of what he feels he's missing in his life. Don't judge that. If I had fought with my wife about the men she was flirting with, I would have missed the fact that she needed encouragement about her looks and age.

I know this won't fix things overnight, and it won't help everyone, but I'll bet it helps someone reading this. And what's the worst that can happen?

And hey, if any of you want some help in translating what your husband is looking for based on what he is doing in the game, post it here and I'll be happy to tell you what I think from a man's point of view.

Never forget: "you're so strong" and "you're so clever" will always work with men.

Sayings that work:

Did you come up with that all by yourself? You're so clever!
Wow, you're so strong.
That was impressive!
I feel so protected when you're with me.
You're so smart.
You're so good at that!

tjeeland, thanks for the advise. I think the first part of your post is about where I'm at. Unfortunately, its not so easy as having divorce papers in hand since we have a house, two cars and four kids together. What I have been able to do though is to get to that blameless, "you aren't meeting my needs" (or the family's needs) point without the tears. The more he neglects us, the more I thank my lucky stars that he has his check direct deposited and that I can be a single parent with automatic payments at the very least. I refuse to beg him or try to force him to want to spend time with his family. If he doesn't want to do that on his own then he can very well sit there and play his game for as long as he wants until one of us decides that its advantageous for us to move on. With kids, its hard to just make a split, but an emotional split is already there. I will stroke his ego to a certain point, but after that I can't stand to see our lives fall apart and still tell him how powerful or clever he is. When I have to take on all of his chores, his parenting, his life... I lose the ability to praise him. The best I can do is ignore him. I hope he finds what he wants from the game. As for me...I have to be ready to live for me and take care of my kids and basically move on. I'm glad that you and your wife got back together, but maybe that's not something that can happen for everyone. Either way, every person who has suffered with a video game addict in the house should take stock of their own wants and create new friend networks, new hobbies, new support networks...and pretend he just doesn't exist anymore.

Poettess,

You are right. Not everyone will come out of this with a win.

Though when I say to stroke his ego, I'm really just saying to do it to gain his trust and then get inside his head in order to find out what drives him to choose the game over your family. I know it's impossible to keep that up while he's hurting you and the family. You would have to be a saint to do that.

But, it could be too late. I understand that. Though I would say that I was at the point where I thought it was too late at one point.

I already know what my husband gets out of his game. He doesn't have to work hard or do something he doesn't like to do and he gets admiration for "cleverness" in game. Chores...boring. Kids activities...boring. Work....boring. Game....whatever he wants it to be. No wonder he wants to live in the game where he can live life as a god if he wants to. I don't see how I could compete with that. No matter what I do. I'm too tired to try anymore. He stopped playing for maybe 3 days after I told him about what he is doing to the kids and our marriage..now he is back to playing until 3 or 4 am and then sleeping all day until work. I'm just so not capable of fixing the situation. At least for your wife tjeeland, she just wanted attention. I can't make my husband's life as easy or interesting as his game. I've tried...believe me. I've tried friends, activities, trips, playing the game WITH him, none of it works. I sincerely hope my case is not the norm and that there are more marriages that can be saved.

I'm glad you tried playing with him. I think that is a good step, and in some cases it becomes something you can do together. Of course, if he continues to play until 3 or 4 in the morning, that's not helping - it's enabling. At least you tried.

I understand what you're saying about the life in the game being more exciting than the real world. I know that was a part of it with my wife. Of course she would enjoy playing to cleaning or whatever else she had to do around the house. I'm not sure that (in our case) that was really the issue, more a symptom. Life was more fun in the game, but I had to figure out the whole it was filling rather than the mundane nature of it being an escape. I'm not saying you're wrong about your assesment, I'm just saying that for us not doing chores was a factor, but it paled compared to filling some driving need in her. Once that need was filled, issues like not doing chores went away.

Oh my god. When I read where you said you cannot stand talking to the back of his head anymore, I said out loud; "THIS IS ME." I have used this phrase for YEARS. I am in a relationship with a WOW addict and it has destroyed our foundation. I am made to feel like I am at fault when I have tried to reason with him or explain to him that it has been coming between us for years. I have begged him to use moderation, to just be the person I knew so long ago and make time for us. He becomes angry and defensive. He doesn't want to hear it. I have no one in my every day life that truly understands or can relate to my situation, I have people that care but they aren't in my situation. No one can relate to someone dealing with an addict partner better than another person in the same situation. You are not alone (none of you). I am so sad, I would run if I could. The most I can do, though, is just not to marry him.

Hi... im new here. Just started googling video game addiction and divorce and i ended up here......

a little about my situation: I am a married mother of two young boys, 1 and 2yrs old. I have recently, a month ago, separated from my husband (25) and moved out with our children because my husband is addicted to his games and lets it effect every other aspect of his life.

After years of him playing games (xbox) all night long til 3,4,5 in the morning and then sleeping all day til its time to go to work, then i have to be in bed to get up with kids at 7 before he gets home from work. And to him, his days off are just an opportunity to stay up even later because he doesnt have work, instead of spending time with me or his children.

A couple months ago i decided to go back to work in the mornings since he works evenings and, well, that didnt last long because i would have to call and call to make sure he was up with the kids, my parents would stop by periodically to bring something by or pick something up and of course he'd be playing games whether or not the kids had a wet or dirty diaper.. that was the point where i decided it was one thing to neglect me, but his own children?! it was unacceptable at that point. There was an ultimatum given, and blown off. And i knew after years of saying "ill leave, i swear" i had to be ready and willing to really leave. So i did. But at this point im not sure where to go from here... i dont wanna run straight to divorce, i love him and i know he loves me but he has a problem..

Ill be surprised if anyone made it this far so ill leave it at that.. i just dont know how to fix my marriage, how to help him, or if i should even try, im at a loss..

Just like everyone else I'm sitting here going " OMG that's him/me/ the relationship". It's just dawned on me how bad this problem is and it took me putting my sis in law into rehab for over the counter drugs and going to family support meetings. Sitting there listening to everyone talk about there family memebers with other addictions ( none btw game addictions )made me think about my bf and our relationship. Neglect is abuse, I love my Bf and would love to have a family with him, but I read all the posts on here and it scares me to think that what I'm going through now is what me kids with have to go through if we have any.
I'm sooooo angry right now, so angry I can't think. Last night really topped it off. I asked for his help in getting to my turtle cause she had something in her mouth that she couldn't get out and he said why couldn't I do it. For one if I could I bloody would have and two I can't reach her. I was getting paniced and was saying it will only take you a min and still he wouldn't get up , he wasn't even raiding, fighting or anything he was jusdt there, but couldn't leave it. I told him that if he had zero concern about the animlas welfare than maybe we should get rid of them all to which he replied with " Fine" and so I said, maybe we should have kids then which he replied with, " well I told you I didn't want any anyway " ( which is a lie ). I went to bed at 10:30pm, he came to bed wacking me at 3:45am. Then he went on to tell me off for breathing to loud and that he couldn't sleep and that I should sleep in the lounge.

Sorry it's so long, had to get it off my chest!! I feel for all you that have to deal with this crap and I think game addictions need to start being treated in the same way as drug drink and gambling.