Trichotillomania (Hair Pulling) Support Group

i don't wear a hairpiece - but I do have a very noticeable bald spot that I try to keep hidden with hats, or by keeping my hair short enough to comb it over - 3 years ago this Christmas, I met a man. At first, I lied to him about why I have a bald spot, I really didn't expect it to turn into anything serious... but when it seemed that he really liked me, I didn't know how to tell him the truth - especially because I had lied in the first place... so when I finally told him that I inflict the bald spot on myself, and how I didn't understand it, he tried to be supportive in the only way he knew which was to (gently) rap my hand if I was zoning out and starting to pull. I don't find that very helpful, but he did go to the MD with me last summer when I was having a flare of what at the time was suspected to be Lyme. He mentioned to the doc that I have a bald spot - I was mortified, but thankfully (or maybe not) the doc barely looked at it, and rx'd a cream (that didn't work...) Anyway, when I found this group, and read about trich, it was SO revealing, and made absolute sense - I didn't know it had a name, that others suffer along with me... I asked him to Google it for himself, without telling him anything - hey hon, do me a favor? will you google trichotillomania... He has since stopped rapping the back of my hand, when he sees me reaching up, he takes my hand and kisses it, pulls me closer to him and just holds me. We've had many ups and downs in our relationship, normal ups and downs, and extreme ups and downs - it wasn't Lyme disease last summer, found out this summer it is MS. He left me for a time after the MS dx, but I forgave him for being scared... However, during our times of strife, I would really do a number on my head! I got the book "stress mgt for dummies" and have started using the techniques, sometimes they work, sometimes they don't... but I at least have a better understanding of the compulsion.

My advice to you is to absolutely get out there and date. You are deserving of a partner who will love and cherish you, and accept everything that makes you You. Give yourself the chance to find him! bald is not weird, it just is what it is, however it came to be that way. Peace and Gentle Hugs*

Thanks so much for responding- is there anyone else out there that has dealt with this? - I just don't expect to find a man that will be willing to continue a relationship with a woman that has to wear a hairpiece. I cannot go without it - the hair on the top of my head does not grow and I can't stand the thought of a wig all the time and the chance that it could come off - it costs a small fortune to wear a quality hairpiece in a longer length. I just keep wishing my hair would come back.

I think you should give yourself a break, and realize that men in their fifties are very different. first off, they aren't 20 or 30 anymore... many are more patient/tolerant/tender and assured of themselves - and many many many of them no longer have a full head of hair themselves. Set your apprehensions aside, go out and just have some FUN! there is no need to explain anything to anybody when you are having a great time and making new friends. If you find someone that you "click" with, share as you feel comfortable - I would suggest not lying, as I did... makes it harder to backpeddle... there is no shame in wearing a hairpiece, a wig, or a hat - it's only a shame if you don't get out and enjoy your life because you're afraid of what other's will think.
My guy would love for me to grow out my length and part my hair in the middle... but for now, that's impossible. My patch is smack in the middle of the crown so middle part is O-U-T! and I did try growing it for a while, but it's kinda straggly and it really made the spot harder to cover, so I chopped it off - if I can get this maddness under control someday and it ever grows back, I will definitely give it another try...
but this I can promise - there are men in your area who will not make an issue of your hairpiece, will not belittle you for having a condition, will build you up, bolster your confidence, love you and treat you with respect. Please give them a chance to find you!

Well, I don't know how old you are - but men in their 50s and 60s are still looking for that perfect woman - they've just come out of a loveless/sexless marriage of 20 years and they are really out to better whatever they had before - now that may seem like I am judging all the 50s and 60s but they say it all the time in their personal adds - gosh I tried going out with a man a couple of weeks ago and everytime he went to put his hands on my hair, I freaked out, and did the duck and move........it was emotionally exhausting - I have had trich since I was 12 and I have all the classic symptoms but I damaged the top of my head by pulling so much for so long that I have no hair on the top - I started out with just a patch that I could cover up and now I spend a good deal of money to "look" OK but that's not letting anybody get to close - my family knows - they don't understand at all - but none of my friends know - I wish more people would respond and tell me their stories and how they have handled it.

I so know the pain you are feeling and the dilemma you are faced with.

I didn't get married until later in life and hid my "secret" from most men that I dated. I even hid it from my husband until we were married for a year and a half!

I could have saved myself a lot of grief and anxiety by just being up front about the baldness. I probably wouldn't have told them it was trich, but that I had some kind of issue that was causing hair loss...

BUT the key is that if you do go this route...don't maximize it -it is a facet of who you are, but is not the complete make up of who you are. I learned that way too late in life and I regret it (I've been pulling for 33 years -since I was 6).

I know it is not easy, but I think that perhaps letting him know about it will save you a lot of nervousness. The right man won't care....you will find out quickly if he is right or not. And the good news...if he does not accept it, then you are better off. Eventually he would find out so you are saving yourself a lot of agony down the road.

Be strong and courageous -and remember that we deserve love too -with or without hair.

I'll be praying for you....everything is going to be ok :)

ps
i just read reply #3 and couldn't agree more

while i think it important to let someone know about your hair (not necessarily explaining it is trich though -at least for me)....i do not think it is necessary to tell every man you are dating (if it is just casual) about it. go out and have fun!!!!! if things are progressing, it may be time to disclose a little bit so that you can relax more and be yourself without fearing anything

I think I would just call it alopecia, not trich - too embarassing to have done this to myself. I haven't really talked to anyone except the psychiatrist and the lady that does my hair about any of this - I appreciate your responses and would love to get more - somehow I will find a way to get back into things and let someone into my life - I have been separated/divorced for 14 years and have had only a couple of short term relationships that for some reason weren't hair guys so they never got close enough to freak me out but it has been 6 years since I've had a man (even for a short time) in my life - I love having this new support -

we all have to stick together...!
I'm only 8 years younger than you, will be 45 in 2 weeks... my guy is 51 and neither of us have ever been married before. at our ages, it's more about truth and acceptance - of everything - we both have pasts, with good and bad relationships... but it's all about the two of us standing firm together. He would be very happy if I could stop pulling, as I have a spot the size of a quarter that hasn't grown hair for longer than I have known him... it's my imperfection, at least my least attractive imperfection, and he still loves me. I, too, love him even more because he's also imperfect, so we are a "perfect" team.

your post really resonates with me. i've been with my current partner for almost a year, and i finally told him about my trich a couple of months ago. it was the first time i had ever told anyone i've dated about it, and it really was one of the hardest things i've ever done. what surprised me the most was how supportive he was of me. his biggest concern was that i felt i had to hide it from him in the first place. it was through this experience with him that i realize how i had allowed trich to define my life in so many ways. i'm not going to do that anymore. i am way more than my trich, and i refuse to allow it to limit me more than it has to.

i'm 24, and he's 25, and while i can only speak for my age group, i was amazed at how compassionate and accepting he was. i am convinced that everyone deserves that kind of respect, and that it is possible to find someone who will accept this part of you.

Thank you so much for your support - OK - what about getting intimate - some guys go right for your hair, they want to run their fingers thru it - this is a truly panicky moment for me - so if you haven't told them - they are going to feel my hairpiece and then I'm forced to confess, it hasn't happenned yet - but the thought absolutely paralyzes me - and I may be meeting a new man this week for coffee so - it's just building up to the point of why do I even try - if I am going to have such trauma - I could be by myself and never have to put myself in such a vulnerable position - and I'll spend the next 14 years alone (cringe..the last 6 without a man or sex) - Help - if I tell them right off and they all (like there are so many to choose from) start dropping like flys the minute I tell them - It would be like - well - you get the jest of what I'm trying to say