Transgender Support Group

It's around 9:30am and I'm sitting here at my desk thinking about life and everything it has to offer......



First let me say that I've always felt like a woman 'trapped' inside a man's body - I can only remember back to about the age of 6 or 7 and feeling like I was different. Then, I acted 'girly' - now acting feminine....which to my understanding, is not uncommon. Nor is it uncommon to feel like I'm in a play - acting out the role of being male, with the part played by a female. I guess this is due to how society 'views' people stereotypically - act your given gender and nothing else.



During my younger years, I didn't care what people thought about who I was - dressing and acting the way I felt inside. As I grew older, I found this to be much harder to do; due to the fact that I needed to gain employment to survive in the world. Since that time, I've held many careers (all of which have been typical male jobs). Which has made me have to 'push' my inner self down - to the furthest pit I could find in order to survive - in turn making me extremely depressed.



In playing the role of the gender I was born, I got married and had 2 Wonderful children with her; I wouldn't trade them for anything!; whom of which I've had custody of since our separation in May 2007. In order to ensure their well-being and happiness, I continue to push my inner self down to nothing, yet showing them both the nurturing side that Mom's give their children. I've currently gotten remarried - even though I love my new wife, I continually struggle with who I am. I only got remarried for the sake of giving my children a sense of 'normalcy'. I know she wouldn't understand what's going on inside my mind and body - yet I know I can't continue living this lie. It's not fair to anyone involved.

So, what do I do now?? That's the issue that's pressing at hand. Do I continue this play and become more depressed? Or do I become the person I feel I was born? This is my basic struggle in life - always has been. The way I see things like my appearance, I despise the gender I was born into, and would change my physical being to match my inner self in a heartbeat to relieve this state of depression I’m in. Knowing that in this change I would probably have some bouts with depression and contemplation if I’d made the correct choice; but, I’d finally feel a sense of peace with myself.



I’d probably classify myself as being Bi. Not gay - been there, tried that, and felt dirty when I did it. The ONLY time I felt 'connected' with another man was when I acted my true self - which is being a female. Sadly enough, this relationship didn't last very long as the man I was seeing started to think of himself as being gay, and he couldn't bring himself to continue our relationship.



To me it doesn't matter who I'm with - whether male or female - as long as Love, Commitment, Caring, and Understanding are involved. It really has nothing to do with the physical act of sex. As days go by, I find myself constantly thinking of being ‘The Nurturer’ – and providing my children with the love & support the women in my life has given me. I never really had a ‘male role model’ in my life like most men do. Not saying my Dad wasn’t there for me, nor that he didn’t show me his love. Just that he never really taught me what a man should do – or how to act. Even he saw me for my true self – as a female who was trapped in the wrong body. So, he never taught me things like most other men learn. I always did ‘girly’ things, and he (as well as my Mom) promoted them; even when I started dressing the part. They never once batted an eye – all they did was give me support and love – and I miss them both dearly. Maybe I feel the way I do since I was born 3 months early to a Mom who was not only going through menopause, but she was scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy when she found out she was pregnant with me. I don’t really know if this has any bearing on how I feel inside, but I know that it might. Even though we have made huge strides in science regarding HOW our bodies work, there is still a lot to learn. Who knows if her ‘life change’ had anything to do with how I am? I don’t know if there is, and I really can’t find anything out there to support my theory.

I’ve only recently started thinking about having hormone testing done just to ease my mind that I’m really who I feel I am. Maybe if I knew more about it, I’d feel more comfortable and inclined to truly act as I feel. On the other hand though, if the testing comes back and tells me that I have more testosterone then estrogen, then the question I’d have to ask is why do I feel the way I do?



Just some thoughts……..
Posted on 10/26/09, 08:10 am