Transgender Support Group

this is going to be a long post but i eel i need to explain the whole picture.
i suffer from borderline personality disorder so it means it's difficult for me to rationalise things and black and white thinking ie it's either good or bad no inbetween.
i am a lesbian and meet my partner back in 2000 .later on she told me she had slept with so many men she couldn't remember because she was drunk.she said she did it cos she didn't want a label of being gay.
and i think she was trying not to be gay.
anyway she had had one 10 months relationship with another woman before she met me.everything seemed fine sex wise until she moved in with me about 18 months later.our sex life just got less and less until the last few years its been about 3 times a year.she has given me so many different excuses.i kept asking her for the truth had she gone off me physically or had she realised she wasn't really a lesbian .she said no to both questions.
and she was a lesbian.a few months ago we started physcosexual/relationship councelling.at which we discussed her latest excuse that arousal and sex hurt.but it wasn't lon after i pointed out a few things that the theapist saw through her excuses and told her i needed full discolsure ,the truth.but everytime i asked her she would either ignore me or change the subject.
so i told the thearpist.my partner said she didn't know why then started on about that my mental illness affected her not wanting to be intimate with me.but she said that was only part of it and she didn't know why.
well i wasn't buying that excuse so i pointed out to the thearpist my partner had had a sexual relationship with her ex b/f who was a schizophrenic which he was far worse than i ever am with my bpd.that he smashed her place up etc yet she still had sex with him.to that she replied the reason was she didn't live with him.but i told the thearpist according to her friends and family he pratically lived with her.
so thats the background.the thearpist suggested we go home and try to be intimate by touching etc.well last night we started kissing and hugging then she came out with her usual line when i tried touching her breasts "just hold me".then she came out with "i want a sex change" i didn't know whether she was winding me up as she often does but i saw she wasn't.i told her i was a lesbian and i didn't like men.then she said it had come out wrong she didn't mean she wanted sex change but she didn't like her breasts and wanted them off because they was too big and got in the way.i might add shes not that big 40 dd.but why didn't she just say she would like a breast reduction why say she wanted a sex change .
when she said she wanted a sex change she also said she wanted still to be a woman and not have the added "bits".
but what i can't understand how can anyone say they want a sex change then say i came out wrong they didn't mean that.
but my mind has been working overtime did she mean she wanted a sex change but changed it when she saw my reaction.
i want to support her but i can't if she doesnt explain to me what she did mean.ok if she wanted a sex change i would support her and i did tell her that but she still said thats not what she meant it came out wrong.
i'm so confused. i put to to her if i had said i'm having an affai then said no i'm not it just came out wrong she would be confused to.
Posted on 10/24/09, 05:10 pm