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Discussion:
My husband feels he's transgendered
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Are there any spouses out there with the same situation? I need lots of help.
Posted on 03/20/08, 03:39 pm
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Email me when others reply to this topic help
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Reply #1 - 03/21/08  1:14am
" Hey there,

My relationship of 5 years just ended before christmas and though my partner believes he was not transgender has such he was a cross dresser.

Though I never seen him do it while we were together I know he was doing it behind my back and I saw photos of him dressed etc.. and found the evidence to know he was doing it behind my back even though I asked him not to and we had conciloring and things to try and help us deal with it but things just fell apart.

I am assuming that you have been married for sometime, I am curious to if you have children?

Also I gather this is something that you have only recently discovered...

In my case my partner told me that cross dressing was something that he had done in the past and didn't believe that it was going to become a further issue in our relationship.. tho it did.

I would suggest that you seek counciling either together or alone. In my case I can say it didn't work for us though it may help your husband come to terms with it, it may not be that he wants to be a woman it may just be that he wants to cross dress ocasionally...

I think that perhaps it would be important for him to seek some kind of professional guidance because he may be has confussed about this has you are. Perhaps when he has a better grasp on it himself you could see someone together to talk about your issues.

The main thing is to talk about him, please don't make the mistake I did and judge him to harshly... This is likely to be something that has been eatting away at him for sometime...

Open communication is the key...

This is not something to my understanding that can be 'cured'...

I am not sure what else to say but I hope this has been some help.. because I feel your pain. I am trying to reconcile with my ex because I love him so much.. I wish you all the best! "
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Reply #2 - 03/21/08  3:57pm
" Hi Tearz,

Thank you so much for responding. H & I have been together for 6 1/2 years. Our 4th wedding anniversary is next month.

When I met him he told me about this way back in his 20's but he got it out of his system. Then, 1 yr. before we got married, he decided he wanted to be a girl. He started with meds and facial hair removal, wearing ladies undies, etc. I told him that there was no way I could marry him, but I would be there as a friend. My family and friends told me to get out, but he was just so down that I couldn't leave. H is my 3rd husband.

Anyway, about 3 -4 months later he told me that was not what he really wanted. He wanted me. After a year went by, and things were very good we got married. Then last October it started all over only with him telling me he was gay. I was shocked to say the least, anyway, I started counseling. Last week he tells me he isn't gay and that he doesn't fit in but that he is transgendered. Luckily, I am still in counseling, so will have something new to talk to the counselor about.

I feel your pain too and I wish you all the best. I understand about the cross-dressing as H is doing it while I'm at work.

We do talk. He wants to stay together, but and I don't mean this to be rude, nasty, etc. I want to be with a man, not a woman. I am not telling any of my family or friends about this as they warned me before. I do love him, but.....

Got to go, the tears are coming. Talk to you again soon. "
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Reply #3 - 03/23/08  11:42am
" hi ther im married to a transgender woman who is pre op in the begin i had a lot to learn about transgender issuse andhow it affect her life but with my love and her understand and guiding meon how her body and mined work i nowam able to help other people who r going thought the same things "
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Reply #4 - 03/23/08  7:47pm
" My husband (er, wife) has decided to transition into a female. After a lot of trying to come to terms and working it out we have recently separated- which has been hard because we've never had problems before, it is solely due to this issue-- i love him very much. You need to talk to your husband/wife and find out exactly what is going on with him/her, talk things out, figure what you both want.

Id suggest to him to go to counseling, and you as well.

Marriage can survive a transition so don't be discouraged, as long as its what both parties want. "
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Reply #5 - 03/23/08  8:11pm
" Also, thank you for posting. It is hard to find people that you can talk about these sorts of situations with- its nice to know i'm not alone. "
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Reply #6 - 03/24/08  12:51pm
" I appreciate all your replys. This is so difficult, as you all know. I feel for all of you.

My husband is waiting for a reply from the counseling center for a counselor to go see. I am already in counseling and I go this Friday.

This weekend was really hard as he bought some women's sandals, shorts etc. I told him that I cannot go out with him if he looks like a female and he understands. I also told him that I don't want to be married to a female as I am definitely interested in men. This is the only issue that we have between us me a definite female and him wanting to be a female. "
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Reply #7 - 03/25/08  1:06am
" Hey Lynnies,

My pleasure in responding. I may not always get to the message board too quickly sometimes I find it difficult to focus on the subject to solidly but you can always mail me here if you need to talk also.

I know what you mean it is really truely a hard thing to talk about with people. I know that I could never go to my family or friends because I just knew they would never understand.

With NO offence to you intended at all I think that if he told you that he wanted to go foward with the trans surgery perhaps getting married wasn't the best idea... I know what it is when you are in love with this person though and especially when you feel it's the only issue you have between you.

It was a huge issue for me because I am rather comfortable with my sexuality and I don't want to be with a woman.. And though he would still be a man and just wanted to dress has a woman and never wanted a full change I was still very uncomfortable with the issue.

I can see also that this would be difficult being your 3rd marriage also :(

I really aplaude you for standing by him. I believe that couselling for you both may help... Perhaps it wont keep you together... I have heard a lot of stories of woman whos husbands have gone all the way and they have continued to be with their partner... this cuts me up because I would like to think that me and my ex could reconsile and though it's not what he wants I some how feel that if I love him enough and except him for who is it that crossdressing wouldn't be a problem... I love him! I love him more than I can express in words... I know he isn't gay but we talked and he said if I was a man he'd still love me... I love him but I could never love him has her...

When you said 'I want to be with a man, not a woman' that really touched me because thats exactly how I feel... though in my case its just clothing... it's still the same concept... I want to be with a man.. I am not a lessbian.. and I am not bi.. I am just straight! Though that seems to be rather rare now they seem to believe that something like 90% of people are actually bi...

I been talking a lot to my ex and I hope I have been making some progress... It's very hard to be sure I seem to take a step foward and 2 back...

I wish you all the best my dear! I don't know what to say but I feel your pain... I have a friend thats pre op female she been on hormones before pubity and is now in her 30's she wants to op but its so expensive... I understand that she feels living has matthew was being in the wrong body and I can see why she wants to go all the way to become Michelle... I just don't understand why my ex who doesn't feel that way wants to dress as someone or something he's not...

Take care! I wish you all the best! If nothing else I hope you can stay friends! You seem very understanding and an awesome friend. "
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Reply #8 - 03/26/08  1:22am
" I met my fiance 4 years ago, and we became best friends and a year and a few months ago started dating. She is a MTF (Male to Female) and has been since before I met her. She is still pre-op, but does want to have the operation as soon as she can.
We met online, and have only spend 4 weeks together in real life. 2 before we started dating and 2 around our 1 year anniversary. She is coming to visit me in late June for 5 days.
Not the same situation, but similar in where my special someone is a TG. "
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Reply #9 - 04/10/08  12:43am
" My story is somewhat similar here. My hubby and I have been married for 5 years, and dated 2 years prior to that. He told me once before our wedding that he likes to CD. I was confused and scared and didn't understand. He said it wasn't a big deal and he was trying to put it behind him.

Fast forward to this past fall. He tells me that he's been CDing for our entire marriage. I was shocked, confused, scared, etc. I didn't know if this would be the beginning of the end for us or if it was a blessing in disguise. We don't have other issues, our relationship is pretty solid other than this secret he had been keeping from me.

So now I know and I've slowing become more comfortable. At first I didn't want to see him dressed up. Then I was OK if it was underwear or more unisex clothing. I'm still not comfortable with him CDing in public (we live in a small, conservative city). Now I'm ok if he is fully dressed at home around me.

Is it an ideal situation? No. Would I choose this to be part of my marriage? No. But I love him and more than anything, I want him to be happy with who he is. I know CD makes him happy and he feels special. So on specific days, once-in-a-while, I will paint his nails, put makeup on him, and we'll (discretely) shop for him to have a dress/skirt/blouse, etc.

The subject of surgery has been discussed. At this time he is simply happy just CDing. However, I wouldn't be too shocked if in 10 years he decides it's what will make him happy. He knows that I will be there and be supportive but I will not remain married as I want a marriage with a man. I'm scared to have children in case this might happen and I'm also freaked for what my family/friends would think if they found out.

Good luck with your situation. "
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Reply #10 - 04/13/08  1:00am
" Hi everyone, I haven't been to the site in a while. I've really been having a hard time dealing with all this.

My husband now has shaved his legs, arms and is having electrolysis done on his face. He started counseling for what I thought would be to find out who he really is. Well, to my surprise he is on the road to becoming a woman. He said he knows how he is.

I met with my counselor yesterday and we had a good talk. He understands what I am going thru. He said if my emotions weren't all over the place he would be worried about me.

I just wish I could go back in time, but that's not possible. I am embarassed to have people find out and I don't want my relatives to know. I don't know how long we'll stay together. For now, we're just room mates.

He want's to start dressing and going out with me, I am not ready for that yet. I just don't know.

Life sure sucks sometimes, but I know there is a reason for everything and I sure hope there is a good one here.

I feel for all of you. "

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