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Advice:
FTM- Pregnant Again
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If you don't already know, I am a female to male transgender and I was pregnant once and it was hell for me, I could hardly mentally handle it. I recently found out that I'm pregnant again and I cannot get an abortion, due to family issues and money concerns and I can't abort it myself or misscarriage because I don't want to mess something up and have a deformed child. I know for a fact that I will not be able to mentally handle this because I am transgendered as a male, and I just don't know what to do or how to cope.. help..?
Posted on 01/11/11, 04:48 pm
16 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Advice
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 01/11/11  7:53pm
" Killian,

I think that discussing this to a health practitioner would be your best bet. Planned parenthood sounds like the most viable option for you.

Aside from that I don't have much to say, actually I do have a lot to say but I'd end sounding like a truly stunned yet concerned parent since this not the first time and frankly I'd rather avoid it. But I'm sure you know what I am thinking.

Hope this helps,
Wolf "
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Reply #2 - 01/11/11  11:17pm
" whatever you decision, we will be there for you. I am not sure what advice i could offer since i would break bones in my body for the privilege of pregnancy. "
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Reply #3 - 01/12/11  7:00am
" inpain,

In my case, as far as I can remember as soon as I discovered how babies were made, that was the very thing I never wanted to experience because I was not a female. Men do not get pregnant and hence why I never allowed it to happen to me.

Sure I had sex with men before my operation, it was sporadic and when I did have sex, the man in question had to wear two condoms just to be extra careful. I was taking no chances.

Sure, I am different from some FTMS where I don't mind my female body but on that aspect, I drew the line in the sand.

In fact, in my evaluation before I was able to get hormones, my therapist did ask me if I ever wanted children and the time I told her there was no way that was ever going to happen because I was not a woman.

When she pushed and asked f I got pregnant by mistake, I told her that was one mistake I knew I could avoid making even if it meant being celibate. That was actually the other marker that enabled me to be on my way toward transition.

Wolf "
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Reply #4 - 01/12/11  9:49am
" But this is stopping me from transitioning right now. I was on T and now I have to stop because of this.. thing.. growing inside me that I hate so much. I was thinking of self aborting with a coathanger or maybe miscarriaging, but I don't know how and I know it's really dangerous and knowing me, I'd probably do something wrong and seriously hurt myself. And if I tell anyone they just keep saying "Awh congradulations!" of that I should keep it because it's the "miracle of life" but I just CANNOT mentally take it, I tried to kill myself last time I was pregnant and I don't want to try to do that again. And I most certainly do NOT want to talk to a therapist or a doctor because then my mom will find out I'm pregnant and definately kick me out, she said if I got pregnant again, she was done with me, and I'm so scared right now.. "
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Reply #5 - 01/12/11  3:34pm
" Your mom will have to know sooner or later. Whether you talk to a therapist or if it starts being obvious visually "
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Reply #6 - 01/13/11  7:23am
" Killian,

I was thinking and mulling over your issue. I am not going to offer advice aside from what I have already stated because this after all is beyond the scope of anyone here, myself included.

However, because this is not the first alarm bell that has rung out in your life, it would be irresponsible of me not to point out that your behavior screams of self sabotage and needs to be addressed by a therapist immediately.

Second is that because you are pregnant, it may or may not kill your chances to continue transition since you are showing signs of female behavior. To them, it does not matter whether it was intentional or accidental, what matters is the criteria which sadly your pregnancy has pretty much erased.

And, of course, this needs to be pointed out because I have said it gazillions of times. Your latest problems, telling your aunt who is extremely religious (indicates impulsive behavior overriding discretion and protecting yourself from harm) and finding yourself pregnant highlights the lack of emotional maturity I was mentioning when starting transition.

Because it has happened before, it will also work against you when returning to seek to resume hormone therapy. If you cannot mentally handle this, a therapist will see the larger picture and determine that you also will not be able to handle the hormone therapy which I may say would be a sensible determination because both situations are extremely stress inducing and you are not old enough to cope with them. And sadly, you may have to wait until you are 25 if that therapist is worth his or her salt

Mind you, I am not saying this to be mean but these are the facts, a therapist will look at when you try and resume hormone therapy. And lying is not an option, it would be another form of self sabotage.

The bottom line is that whether you like it or not, you will have to be brave and face the music, and speaking to a therapist to find a suitable and safe way to tell your mom is your main priority. There is no way around it.

I do not know what the circumstances are regarding your pregnancy, the best course of action regardless is to see that your mental health is taken care of because you are freaking out, as you said.

Again I say this very thoughtfully and respectfully. However, the facts are not pretty and I cannot sugar coat it, sad to say.

Hugs,
Wolf "
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Reply #7 - 01/13/11  9:42am
" I just don't get how any of what I'm doing is self-sabotage. I was trying to be mature by telling my aunt and hopefully getting some support from her. I know I am mentally mature, more so than most people of my age, so many people assume I'm older than i actually am because of how mature I act. I know I can handle taking the hormones, because I've been doing it for the past two months, I just need to stop now for a while until I have this kid (I was talking to a friend last night and realized that I do have to have this kid, I can't be selfish and kill it). but after I have this kid I know I'm still going to be able to continue with my hormone therapy. I honestly don't see how me asking for help or having a few problems is self-sabotoge, or why I would even do that. "
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Reply #8 - 01/13/11  6:16pm
" Killian,

Self sabotage is anything that you do unconsciously that will in some way jeopardize your life one way or the other. You may not be aware of it, at one time or another we all fall into that habit in some way.

Specially those of us who are TG. I could rattle a very long list of self sabotaging moves during my transition and but when I was made aware of it, I bristled the same way you did, truth was, it was true, I just did not want to admit it because it's hard to do so but that's just how that goes. But after I came to terms with it, I was able to seek out ways not to fall into that again.

Regardless of that, your current situation is a highly emotionally charged one and at best since it was unplanned from what I get from what you stated, it can lead to powerlessness that eventually leads to panic that eventually leads to severe depression.

So based on that simple equation, I urge you that regardless of how you came about being pregnant, you best course of action is to what I suggested initially which was to see someone in planned parenthood and to see a therapist as soon as you can.

You asked for advice and that's the best I can do, after all I am not in a position to do more because I am not qualified. A therapist or health practioner would be perfectly qualified to help you at this juncture in your life.

Now it's up to you to do something constructive with this situation in a way that will end up benefiting you because after all., you are worth the effort. And whatever I say to you is out of concern for your welfare and if I sound a tad parental is because I am older and it's a bi product of experience. And I tend to be a bit of a mother hen.

Hugs,
Wolf "
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Reply #9 - 01/14/11  9:44am
" Wolf, thanks for the advice (yet again). I was talking to some friends last night and they said they've noticed some self-destructive behavior that I was unaware of and they're going to help me. I got my mom to set up a therapy appointment today, she didn't ask many questions, i just told her i was feeling suicidal again, hopefully she won't find out.. =/ "
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Reply #10 - 01/15/11  2:51pm
" Killian,

I think everyone has already covered all of the bases here. But I did want to point out that maybe this is a false pregnancy, but I don't know how far along you are or anything. And you spoke of being mature yet then you also happen to bring up performing an abortion on yourself with a coat hanger, or forcing a miscarriage, which sounds kind of dumb in both instances. Luckily you had enough sense to realize that those were both completely stupid thoughts.

Once you do have "this kid" (and typing that actually kind of sickens me emotionally) what happens then? Do you keep "this kid", or does he/she go into foster care?

As a side note your mother is obviously going to find out, so you might as well tell her sooner than later. Mistakes happen and she might just understand even if she did say she was going to kick you out if you got pregnant again. Parents (and people in general) say things they don't really mean when they are angry or frustrated. Going to a doctor (or Planned Parenthood), not just a therapist would be a good thing to do. There are laws that they have to follow to protect your privacy even if you are a minor.

And I'm sorry if I seem mean or condescending, because I don't mean to be.

Joss, "

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