Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Support Group

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. HOw old was she? My Colin was 26 days old and died in June. I still have all of his dirty clothes unwashed, I have his formula in his seperater container on my counter, My house is like a shrine now....leaving everything he touched, untouched. From everything I know and have experienced, you are completely normal. I was very unstable in the beginning too, and yes I still have my days. The only thing I think really keeping me here is I would feel really guilty leaving my 4 other kids motherless. As far as hating god, I'm honestly afraid too. What if I do or say the wrong thing and never get to see my beautiful baby boy again. And like you, I DO BLAME MYSELF. Even after all I know about SIDS now, I was a foot away from him, how could I not know until the morning.....Honey, I am so sorry you lost your precious baby and so sorry that we now have a new member on our site, but just know these mommies and daddies on here have been an amazing group of people for support. Vent when you want, cry when you want, remember her all of the time. We will be here to help you just as I'm sure you will help others. Sending big hugs to you!

I'm so sorry you lost your baby girl. My daughter passed away around the same time as yours. She was 5 months old. I was numb the first few weeks. I actually feel worse now than I did when it first happened. Pretty much everything you have said is the same way I think most of us on here have felt at one point or another. Kaitlyn passed away at nap time at daycare so I do blame myself that I wasn't there with her. Her room is still a mess. We haven't touched anything since May. There is still dirty laundry in her hamper, all her clothes are still in the dresser & closet, and there is still some of her cereal in the pantry. I keep the onsie that she was wearing that day on my nightstand to cuddle with when i go to bed. It's all cut up from the paramedics working on her but it helps me feel close to her. Hang in there and if you need to talk we are all here for you.

I am sorry for your loss. My Austin died on May 26 of this year while at daycare - we got all of the official reports back, it was SIDS. I think the way I got through the first few days was having my family around. I cried, cried, cried. We also wrote something for us to read at Austin funeral so that took up some time and we wrote a long letter to Austin that my husband and I read to him at the private viewing for immediate family, that also took some time. Like others have said, as hard as it was those first few weeks, I think it is even harder now, because everyone else has moved on and we haven't, how can we.

I also have the feeling that I am forgetting something whenever I leave the house. I always picked Autin up for daycare and I sometimes on my way home from work look in the rearview mirror expecting to see his infant carseat.

Austin was breastfed and had started on baby fruits and cereal. My mom came over and threw out all the frozen breastmilk I had in the feezer. I still have the containers of baby food and cereal in the cabinets, bottles, pacifiers, baby bowls and spoons are still in the cabinets.

Austin's room is just as it was the day he died, except a little cluttered because we put the stuff from the living room (i.e. swing, bouncy seat, gym, kick-n-coaster) in his room. His dirty clothes are still in the hamper. His sleep sack is still in his crib, just as it was when he got up for daycare his last day on earth.

I blame myself for not being with him when he died, I blame God for taking my baby away. The only thing that gives me comfort is my faith that I will see Austin again. Somehow we just need to figure out how to hang on until that day.

I forgot to add, I also agree with Colin's Mommy, Jessie. I am afraid to be angry with God or to do anything to myself for fear that He would not forgive me and I may not get to see my baby again.

The first couple of days were......indescribable. I was in total shock, numb, devistated and wanted to die. It has been almost 2 years and I still want to die. I have 3 other children here still. The wanting to die is not so strong now. However, I still feel very torn. Part of me wants to die to be with Alia, the other part of me knows that she is fine and that my children need me more here than probably she does there. Although that is still tough. I think I will probably always feel torn.

It was very hard to go anywhere without Alia. It still is. Especially places like vacations, birthday parties, etc. Everywhere I go and whatever I do, I always think that Alia should be here with us. On a daily basis, it is not as intense as it was before, but still several times per week, I think, Alia should be here.

Keeping dirty diapers is not unheard of. I kept EVERYTHING of Alia's, except dirty diapers, but I probably would have if I would have thought about it. I still have everything of hers, but it is put away in a storage box under my bed.

I blame myself very much. I still do and always will. I get very angry with God. I wonder why he allowed this to happen to me. I guess I blame both God and myself. However, since my daughter Alia died, I have found my faith and it has grown stronger than ever. That may seem weird compared to what I said a few sentences ago. However, it is true. I know that it is ok to be angry with God. He can take it. I believe in him and my faith is strong but I am angry.

If you would like to talk to me or ask me questions i am here.

Darci