Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) Support Group

Hi, first of all, I'm sorry for your loss. My name is Amber. I lost my five week old daughter, Arianna, in April of 2008. I too am a stay at home mom to four kids--7,4, almost 3, and 4 months.
It is amazing how different men and women grieve. We're grieving the same thing...one would think that we'd grieve in similar ways. Far from the truth. My husband and I were/are just like you and your husband. My husband was forced to go back to work...an out of the home job. He had no choice but to grieve, and move forward. Who would let him work, if he was constantly grieving, and in tears? I was forced to be with the constant reminders of what I had, and what was lost. I also thought that he had moved on, and I was more than angry at him for being able to, and at a time, I thought he was being so selfish, by moving forward. Him functioning on different levels doesn't mean that he's not grieving, too. On top of his job, he probably feels that since he's the male of the house, he has to be the strong one. Eventually, he'll probably go back to grieving, and will probably show more emotion on it. My husband goes back and forth. While mine is more conitinuous, his comes and goes...at least on the surface. Maybe write down what you're feeling. If you can't communicate with him, or if he's not open to recieving what you have to say right now, maybe see a counselor...or come here. There's a lot of wonderful, wonderful people here, who are more than willing to listen to you, and have either been in your shoes, or are there now. Take care, and again, I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Austin died from SIDS when he was 5 months on May 26, 2009. My husband and I went back to work at the same time for the same reason that you are describing. He was ready to go back to work and I wasn't, but I knew that if I stayed home and he went to work, I would start to feel as though he wasn't grieving as much as I, and I would start to fall deeper and deeper into depression. Like Amber said, when at work, a person has to somehow function.
My advice would be to let him know how you feel and that you want and need to talk to him about how you are feeling, and that it would be nice for him to share his feelings as well.
I don't know if you have any support groups in your area, I do, but nothing specific to infant loss so I'm in the process of starting one. Maybe you could also see a grief counselor together. Our grief counselor did a good job at explaining the difference between a man and a woman's grief and how we could help each other through the grief process. If you have a hospice office near you, they usually offer free grief counseling for a limited time.
Good luck and of course, DS is a wonderful source of support.

This sounds like what hubby and I went through....I was still a basket case after 6 months but he never cried after the funeral....(that I seen) so one day I blew up and asked him why he didnt love our son? and it all came out that night....everyone was telling him how strong he had to be for me and how I was really going to need him......so he thought if he showed his grief then he wasnt being strong......that night he cried enough to make up for all of my crying I did in the first 6 months .....he needed to cry with me.....and we cry together now......for our son......but during that time I would cry and he would hold me but show no emotion and I convinced myself he didnt love our son.......that was so silly of me.....
I am so sorry for you loss.......take care and come here as much as you need to it really helps to know others in the same boat

I am so sorry for your loss. The man is supposed to be the strong one. At least that is what they say. Whoever in the hell they are. He is trying to be strong for you. Men always want to fix things and this is something that can't be fixed. Just give him loving too and let him know that it is okay to be sad. That is what I did and it did work. My husband cries with me now.

He is trying to be strong for you and to portray that he is a fixer. I found that my hubby also had a lot of guilt b/c he worked a lot and didn't see Audrey as much as he would have liked. i found that when he has bad days...I try to be strong and let him have it out. We are just different in all that we do...and sometimes it is hard for us to understand that. Just remember...you love is what you have to get you each through this awful time. I am so sorry for your loss

I know how you feel my huband was the same way, he didnt show any emotions and I also felt all alone, all he does is work and drink now and I was so mad at him for it, until one day he thought that I was still in school but little did he know that I got out early and when I came home I found him holding Wiley's pic, and crying his heart out. so you see wasnt that he didnt have any emotions it was that he just didnt want to show them. most men think that they have to be the strong, and my husband told me that he worked all the time because it kept him from falling apart. I dont know if the same is for your husband, that is something I think you two need to talk about. Men just grieve different than women, lord only knows why. I am so sorry for your loss, you came to the right place for support.

My husband was the same way. I felt very alone with my grief. Other than DS and a few friends/family members. Men handle grief very differently. I think other than sadness the main emotion I saw in my husband for the next year after Alia died was anger. He would get angry, real angry, out of the blue or at small things. I think anger, for men, is an emotion they are ok with showing. Sadness or other emotions I think are not comfortable for men. I still think that we are in different places with our grief. For me what helped was the fact that many people told me that men react differently, so I kept reminding myself of that. Be patient and don't expect him to be just like you. Everyone is different and for a man, it is different (at least that is what I think).