Stress Management Support Group

I swear I answered this before but can't find my answer. First of all my girlfriend's daughter has Chrohn's. It took a few years to find this out. She was wasting away to nothing. She has always been a very picky eater and would only eat grilled cheese sandwiches or buns and butter. She never complained about feeling sick yet they discovered she was feeling sick but never said anything. She has been in and out of children's hospital. I googled Crohn's disease when I found out so I could be more informed. So she still wants to go to gatherings and will either sit there and not eat or have a bun. Her grandparents are very understanding and would do whatever it took to make her comfortable. She seems ok to sit and visit and not eat. This disease is very serious and it makes me angry when people are ignorant. Your in-laws should at the very least make themselves informed. What they are doing strikes me as very uncaring. I personally would feel uncomfortable sitting there while everyone else is eating. What harm is there is switching to opening the presents before the dinner. The only thing I can think is if you MIL calls and wants the same arrangements as last year that your husband takes the call and reinforces what was told to them last year. That his family would love to join them for Christmas dinner. That their grandson would love to enjoy it with all the family as well but the only way to do that would be to make a slight change to the arrangement. That would be to have gift opening before dinner so he wouldn't have to miss anything. This is just reinforcing what you said last year. Be sure your husband does all the talking to his family. Not you. Keep it positive by saying how much you love spending Christmas with them. If you MIL doesn't want to change then your husband (not you!) should say that he is sorry that she feels that way and infortunately it forces his family to miss the dinner and that you all will pop by later for a visit. This is your husband's family so he has to be the one to speak to them. So not only will you not be the bad guy but by having your husband do the talking it will put the ownership back in MIL's lap. I feel sorry that your son has to suffer from this in addition to all his other suffering. That you,his parents, have to suffer by seeing the hurt in your son's face when his grandmother is very obvious about her lack of concern about his wellbeing.

Thanks for the great advice. It does seem I am always the "bad guy" in trying to look out for Dylan's feelings. My MIL is a very insensitive woman, and only wants everyone to praise her cooking and stick around in hopes of a Christmas check. I appreciate your comments and I WILL make my husband do the talking this year -- she never talks to me or my son anyway, which is another issue. How can anyone who is retired, and has plenty of time and money, live 10 minutes from their disabled grandson (the disability is something they do not like to address in our family) and never call or visit?? He doesn't have a driver's license yet, and never even an offer to get out of the house... It REALLY HURTS!!!

I agree w/ past poster. I would definitely make DH do all the talking to both his mom and dad about the extreme seriousness of you DS's illness and the effects of her non-accommodating ways are having on your son.

From my understanding of Crohn's Disease it can make sufferers be hospitalized sometimes for a really long time depending on who bad their flare ups are.I could be wrong but I think ts similar to having Ulceritive Colitis. Not to mention, if I'm not mistaken some suffers can also run the risk of severely inflamed intestines or ruptured ones

I know its not the same thing, but having bad GERD myself, I know how hard it is living w/ medical condition where you have to watch what you eat all the time. It really breaks my heart for your DS, especially since he can't enjoy himself on such a happy occasion.

If your MIL still refuses to accommodate your son after your DH talks to her, is there a way that you and/or DH could make a small meal that your DS could eat at MIL's while everyone else is enjoying what she cooked for everyone else? If not, then I would definitely just skip the dinner since I know how much your son's feelings and happiness mean to you.

Then if she wants to give you grief about skipping dinner, I would do the best I could to just let it go through one ear and out the other since not only are you are looking out for your DS's best interest, but his life as well.

To be honest, I really think its just sad and horrible that your MIL is just so heartless. I could see her having a point in saying that DS should just eat what he could if he was like 2 or 3 and just being picky eater that wanted to call the shots, but for heaven's sakes he has a medical condition and she's still unconcerned. That's just so heartbreaking.

As for your BIL, unfortunately there's not much you can do about him expect be cordial since he might make excuses for his girlfriend and just be the best aunt that you can be to your nephews. Especially since trying to compete w/ his new girlfriend is just going to put the kids in the middle unfortunately.

I know its hard, but depending on how old your nephews are is there a small trip or outing that the boys could do to spend quality time together like going fishing on the weekends that they come over? I know it might not be much, but when you have to deal w/ a petty adult like your BIL's girlfriend, trying to make the best of what time you and/or DS can spend together w/ your nephews really makes it easier on the kids.

I know it won't be easy, but Good luck w/ what you decide to do. :D

some history: my family was very difficult for 10+ years before they started to be more understanding. i always got along well with my wife's family. i just to joke that we're lucky that i, minimally, got along so well with them -- or we'd really be in trouble :) both my kids have medical issues - more prevalent is tourette's syndrome with my son.

from the husband viewpoint ... we're a funny bunch (husbands).
i'll tell you that many husbands will tell their wife they had a detailed conversation with their family ... where, in fact, only 10% of the details were ever discussed.

instead of pushing him in front of his parents to communicate what has probably been told again and again ... i encourage you to plan ahead. discuss with your husband well ahead of time all your feelings in detail. speak of wanting to have the best christmas ever ... and tell him "I need your help".

I encourage to approach your husband with something like " I need your help. I want us to have a great christmas with family. can we talk about some ideas? what are your ideas to see this happen"? then start planting thoughts -- e.g. how about bring food so our son feels best. since we only a short distance away, if our son is not feeling well -- i can take him home for a few hours -- to rest while you enjoy time with your parents? then ... when he seems receptive to any of the ideas ... respond as if it was his idea... "what a great thought - thank you"

it sounds a bit manipulative, i know ... but in the end it will give you the peaceful christmas you want. by not feeling like he's in between you and the parents ... and taking this approach, over time, you will not have to bring up the conversation -- he'll just take the talk to his folks ... you can just sit back and enjoy the holiday.

again - we husband(s) be be a funny specifies.

what matters is that you, your husband and son have a peaceful christmas. if possible -- when your husband talks with his parents ... help him have that conversation as being something like ... "we were talking ...and are really looking forward to the holiday ... and this is how it's going to be ... we'll bring some food .... if our son needs a break -- as he likely will , he'll go home an rest for awhile ... this is what's best for my family and will really help have a fun, peaceful christmas".

running my son out a doc appt. i hope it goes well for you.

and - in the end - it will make for a much more peaceful christmas for your husband too. (** just speaking from personal experience**)

- JJ

Thanks for the husband's point of view. I have a lot to think about... and I appreciate your comments. I hope things go well with your son.

just how from doc - ear infection, conjunctivitis, and a positive flu test. i expect he's home for the week. all in house may go on tamiflu as precaution. doc looking up some info .. will call back.

anywho ... wanted to add another point ... basically, this was the course of action I wish my wife took -- instead of pushing me out in front of my family with attitude of "tell them this ...". i came to this opinions after many years ... a softer, let's work together approach would have saved years.

i wish you well!! and a great christmas holiday!! :-)

- JJ

Hope everyone stays well and your son recovers quickly. I hope your holidays are happy healthy ones too!

I just wanted to add a thank you for the husband's point of view. Especially since he's been there. My heart goes out to all of you and hope this Christmas everything works out.