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How to cope with and help husband with stress mana
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Now I am not gonna lie and say that I am in any way a zen master, I get irritated and stressed when I feel there's too much on my plate, and sometimes I end up taking it out by yelling at the kids, the dog, my husband... But my husband....he DOES NOT deal with stress well AT ALL.
It ranges from the little things to, of course, the big. From not being able to find the remote ( a huge pet peeve!) to today's example when the car broke down and we didn't make it to my son's dentist appointment. He called from work and I dreaded having to tell him but i don't lie about stuff like that. Of course it was "unacceptable" and I am to blame. We were supposed to take my mother-in-law's car but ended up taking sis-in-laws car because it had more room. That was not part of the plan so that was my fault. Don't get me wrong, I am very disappointed too! The fact that I didn't insist on taking the car as planned and the fact that my son didn't make it to the dentist greatly disturbs me as well. But the way he gets so upset over it overshadows anything else. He yelled at me over the phone and then proceeded to yell at his mom. We both cried and she is ready to be done with him. This kind of thing has happened time and time again and yes, time heals the wounds but it still hurts so much. He knows just what to say and the right buttons to push to make you feel completely broken. It's hard to say all this because some of you may find it hard to believe he is also a great and compassionate person, but the standards he holds and expectations just seem to exceed human capability :( It makes me so sad to think that it may go so far to push his family away. Do any of younoutnthere deal with a person like this and what can you do to help them???? I really love him so much! :'( Posted on 07/09/12, 07:16 pm |
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I read your post and then came back and saw no one has answered you yet so...I have been divorced for a long time.I know that when my husband and I were trying to keep everything together we went straight to counseling.This was very helpful as it was a 3rd party objectively listening to both our sides and then giving us advice.My husband could shoot me down like no other,right in the gut.I often though that when he did that to me it was just his way of dealing(wrongly)with stress in general.It took the comments of an outside party to even point out to him these things he did,he didn't see it.Eventually there were other major problems and we split.He also had a great sweet side to him,could be caring and compassionate.So I would say to you would he talk to a relationship therapist?Would someone removed from your immediate situation make more of an impression on him than perhaps other family members or friends.He sounds like a reasonable man so why not broach the subject with him?There is nothiing noble or self sacrificing in suffering through his outbursts.This one lousy aspect of his personality can wreak havoc on the rest of your relationship and that fact that you are upset and know that simply demands that you do something.Making appointments,fixing cars,shopping,cleaning all this stuff is hard enough to coordinate without being skewered for HOW WELL you accomplish it.We all give our best and that should be appreciated.It would be nice if when things go wrong you get some commiseration and ideas to fix it or work it out instead of a knot of dread in your stomach about even telling your partner what went wrong.Think about some counseling bring the subject up soon don't wait ok!Keep in touch. 
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Rivasllene,
This is called verbal abuse. Abuse is not caused by stress. Stress is caused by abuse....his abuse. Of course, he is not verbally abusive all the time, other times he can be a compassionate man when he wants to be. I was in an eighteen year marriage with a guy like this. He broke my spirit, broke my heart, took away from self esteem, and then left me for another woman. You see, it's not that he acts out and yells at you, it's how he thinks he has the right to do so. He does NOT have the right to belittle you in any way...this is not love. You cannot help him but you must help yourself to set boundaries and limits on his behavior. You are worth it.
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Rivaseline,
It sounds like you are experiencing great stress as you worry about your husband's potential responses. You must feel like you are walking on eggshells. I have had similar experiences with my husband. I suggest you do some reading about codependency, where you'll learn not to base your happiness on someone else's behavior. Codependent No More by Melody Beaty is a good place to begin - you can probably get it at your public library. It will help you learn how to understand your limits and set boundaries. It takes practice to learn how to change, but I promise you, when you begin to change, your husband will have to change, as well. I wish you luck! smsone
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