Stillbirth Support Group

Candy,

I think a memorial service is a wonderful idea. It will give you the closure you were denied all those years ago.

What do your other kids think about it? If they are supportive then maybe they can help give you the strength you need to get through it.

Angela would not want you to wear black for the rest of your life. You've shown such tremendous courage by dealing with your loss and I'm sure there is a little bit more inside of you to help you make peace with your loss and find the closure you so desperately need.

I'm here for you.
-Lisa

Candy,

I also thought the memorial service was a wonderful idea, but if that's too much or just not the right thing for you right now, I have another suggestion that has helped me tremedously. I lost my son Owen almost 5 months ago. I truly feel like the only legacy my little boy has is how I live my life, what I do now that I've lost him. So, I have tried to "live stronger, love deeper, laugh harder..." every day and have asked others to do the same, sort of 'pay it forward,' make this world a better place in honor of Owen because even the tiniest footprint leaves an imprint on this world. I started a memorial fund in his memory that benefits First Candle's stillbirth research program. Maybe something like that would help you honor your angel and also move forward (I find that doign positive things in Owen's memory gives me back the sense of purpose that I lost when he died).

Sorry for rambling, hope that helps.

Hugs, Kim

You had to push aside your pain for so long now that you are allowing yourself to let it out be patient with yourself, it is going to take awhile because now there are so many layers to go through. The normal grief process takes a long time but I assume that years of pushing your pain away makes it take longer to get through once you begin to try.

I think a memorial service would probably do you some good and provide you with a lot of closure but if you aren't feeling up to it what if you tried something else. How about a balloon release? You could do that alone or with family who understands.

I agree that Angela wouldn't want you to wear black for the rest of your life. She knows your love for her, she feels it and she has felt it from the very beginning. She wouldn't want to be the reason that you removed all color from your life, she would want to be the reason that you put color into it. Try to think of it as showing her the joy you felt when you were expecting her or if that doesn't work tell yourself you need to wear color so she can see you from heaven. That might sound goofy but if it works then it is worth it. This is not what she would want for you.

What if you were to make a scrapbook? I know you don't have pictures or anything but you could get a catalog and cut out pictures of what you would want for her room, find pictures in magazines, newspapers, pictures you've taken throughout your life that for whatever reason remind you of her and write down your memories of your pregnancy and her birth. This way when you are feeling down you can get the scrapbook out and remember all of the happy feelings, instead of these awful ones.

She has forgiven you for not grieving all those years ago, she knows it isn't your fault, now its time you forgive yourself.

Okay so I irritated myself with this post I sound like a shrink lol but I'll post it anyway because if it helps then it is worth it.. besides that it's long and if I don't post it and my fingers fall off it would have been for nothing :)

I understand. After my loss I met many mothers that were older than me and they told me how they were not allowed to see their babies at all, some were not even told the sex. You wearing black obssessively is your way of having some control over the situation because you had so little control then. I would say if it helps, wear it. Maybe someday you'll be able to move away from it. Try wearing colors only at home first and see how you feel. Maybe you could put an "in memory of" ad in your paper this month. That would give you a way to let the world know you lost a baby and will never be the same.

I do have my own version of a "My baby died" sign. I started making ribbons, Gianna's ribbons. They are black ribbons, with crystal hearts in the center, pink for girls, clear for boys. If you like, the complete story behind them is on my website, giannaslight.org. I would be honored to send you a ribbon for your sweet Angela, to wear as an outward sign of your loss. Message me your address, if you would like. Hugs, Sherri

I think it's totally understandable that you are not ready to let go of your mourning period. First of all, everyone is different - we are all in the same boat, but none of us are grieving in the exact same way. There are no rules, there is no time-limit. Secondly, even though your loss was 32 years ago, you have only started grieving now, so I think it's fair to expect a reasonable amount of time for you to grieve properly. I don't think any of us expect to resume a normal life and "get on with things" after only 26 weeks. My Therapist helped me to understand that there is a certain amount of grief that you need to feel, and it all needs to come out - ALL OF IT. Any of it that doesn't get let out now, will simply find a way out later. So you may as well just confront it head on. Take your time, and don't let anyone rush you.

Like Kim (Owensmommy), I feel that living life to the fullest is my way of giving Charlotte the legacy she deserves. Doing something positive in Angela's name is a good way of spending that Maternal energy that you didn't get to spend all those years ago. But you can do that, if you decide to, when you feel ready.

Wishing you some peace today,
Nikkiann