Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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MalaysiaMaysMommy 03/27/2014

I am new here and I need to let out my feelings. Since losing my beautiful baby girl Malaysia May Drummer on February 12,2014 I have been obsessing over what I could have done differently to save my princess. The doctors could not give me an explanation for why my baby girl died when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Her cord was wrapped around her neck but the doctor assured me that it was not the cause of her death. I refuse to accept that bad things just happen. I feel like a failure as a mom because I did not save my baby. My one job was to protect her and I failed. I'm thinking that my daughter must have lost oxygen because of cord compression. And I feel like this is something that I could have prevented. I was replaying my sleeping positions around the time she died and I slept on my back for a very short period which I normally tried not to do. If I would have just tried to sleep on my left side then my arteries would have had better blood flow and Malaysia would have had more oxygen. I did yoga throughout my pregnancy so maybe I did a position that increased the compression on the cord. I also feel guilty for not keeping better track of her movements. I should have tracked them every day but I did not realize the importance of it. I noticed that my baby was not moving and so I went on line and found out that it was normal for babies to move less later in pregnancy. So I did not worry. That was so stupid of me. I should have called my doctor and asked her instead of going based off of what I read on the internet. I could have saved her. I should have saved her. I should have tracked her movements for two hours and then called the hospital. My doctor tried to assure me that by then it would probably have been to late. I refuse to believe that there was nothing that I could have done to save my baby girl. I feel so helpless. I just want my baby girl back.

Rochelle43 03/27/2014

Oh how I remember feeling this same way. I blamed myself over and over again for how I should've done this or that. I also blamed myself for not going in to see the doc sooner when I noticed my little boy quit moving. I didn't hear much beforehand about stillbirths, and I figured nothing like that could happen to me anyway. Yes, I felt so "to blame" after this.

Your feelings are very normal. I'm sure most of us who have experienced losses felt this way at one time or another during our grieving stage. It's so hard to accept that we can't have our precious babies back. You, however, did nothing wrong. You only loved your baby. Unfortunately you will never know the real reason behind what happened. We never knew either. We chose not to have an autopsy, because there was no guarantee we would find out anyway, and we couldn't deal with it at the time.

Just know you're not alone. This is all part of the grieving stage, and unfortunately most of us have to go through this. You will be in my thoughts for a healing heart.....

Hugs to you!

Motek18 03/27/2014

As much as it completely sucks, some times there aren't answers. And some times bad things do happen to good people. I kick myself every day, mad at myself for working 2 jobs and not getting enough sleep. For not eating completely healthy and for not pushing my doctor when I thought something was wrong. We all do it. We all think that we could have done something to change what happened, but in most cases it wasn't our fault. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but you have a great group around you that is so supportive.

AurorasMom 03/27/2014

I delivered my sleeping beauty on Feb. 28th. Every day I think about all the things I shouldn't have done. I went through everything with the doctors openly and honestly and none of it was to blame. Now if that will ever sink into my head, I have no idea. I feel like I was carrying her and I failed to protect her. I think it's our grief talking and trying to find a solution as to why. Maybe it's about closure, if we can just pinpoint that one thing we did. I can't help you by telling you how to not think like that, I can only say I'm doing it too so you're not alone.

MalaysiaMaysMommy 03/27/2014

Thank you all. It helps to know that I am not alone in my pain. We did not have an autopsy either. My husband did not want the autopsy and I just agreed with him. At the time I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted or if I just was letting my husband decide. However, now I am glad that I did not have the autopsy. I could not bare to think of someone cutting up the perfect body that we created.

Rochelle43 03/27/2014

That is exactly how we felt about the autopsy. We figured it wouldn't bring him back....it would only hurt us deeper. I think you just have to make the best decisions you can when you're going through something like this. Some people choose to have one, and that is okay. For us it just wasn't what we wanted.

Keep taking care of yourself and call on us if you need us.....

MalaysiaMaysMommy 03/27/2014

Thank you so much Rochelle

ShrimpyMama 03/28/2014

First of all... *HUG*

I know this feeling so well - I lost my daughter at 38 weeks just two days after you lost yours. In our case as well, we don't know the reason. We chose to have an autopsy to rule out anything preventable for any future pregnancies, but I don't have a lot of faith that it will turn up anything as we were both in perfect health and a visual check showed a perfect baby, cord, and placenta.

Try not to blame yourself. I know that it's so easy to fill in the blanks with self-hate because you have nothing to point at as the cause. I do it too. I feel like I failed my baby, my husband, my family, everyone. But...it isn't true. I don't doubt for a second that we all did the best that we could.

If you want to talk to someone who gets it, don't hesitate to private message me. It sounds like our stories are pretty similar. Stay strong, mama.

ShrimpyMama 03/28/2014

PS - your daughter has such a lovely name. :)

SophiasMom2010 03/28/2014

Your story sounds so familiar to me, I was 38 weeks pregnant too, her cord was around her neck and the doctors told me that wasn't why. I blamed myself for a long time as well about not keeping track of her movements well and sleeping on my back, I beat myself up about drinking pop and not eating enough and stressing and cleaning too much when I should have been resting.

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!! You would have done anything in the world to save your baby if you could have, you know you would have traded your life for your babies in an instant. It's normal as a mom to feel responsible, but you have to remember that you would have saved her without thinking of yourself if you could have. Please do not make the mistake I did and blame yourself forever, I fell into a bad depression after losing my baby and stopped seeing friends or having fun because I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy.

This is going to be the hardest time for you, but it does get better. I want you to know that the pain will not always be this bad, be strong.

MalaysiaMaysMommy 03/31/2014

Thank you ShrimpyMom. My husband chose her name to honor my grandmother who died last April. My grandmother May was half Malaysia and half English.

Thank you SopiasMom. I also feel like I am falling into a bad depression and I do not want to be around anyone right now either. Luckily I have a good support system and my family will not let me sit around and do nothing.

I am sorry to you all for your losses. It sucks that we all have to endure this type of pain. Babies are not meant to die.

aelliott220 04/03/2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I connected with your feelings all too well. I lost Matthew October 18, 2013 at 36 weeks. I was having contractions and be they weren't too close together I waited 3 hours for my husband to get back from a work trip until I went to the hospital. When we arrived and they hooked me up we learned here was no heartbeat. We had just been at the doctor and heard his strong heart 2 days prior. So many of its here have no answers and blame ourselves and rethink our every move. Everyone is different and no can tell you when the tears will lessen or when that pit in your stomach will loosen. I can tell you while you are forever changed you are not defined by your loss. It sounds like you have many people who support you which helps. While they won't always know what to say or do, I'm sure they wish they could take away your pain. I have learned when you want to just pull away....lean in to them instead. Tight hugs and hard cries help. It will get better. Nothing will bring your sweet angel back to you but the pain will ease. My other tip is don't feel guilty smiling. You deserve happiness!

MalaysiaMaysMommy 04/04/2014

Thank you aelliott220. I am sorry for your loss as well. It's hard because I know how much my family wants to ease my pain and I wish that I could show them that they are helping. However, I just feel so lost because the pain has not lessened any since it happened. I like your sentence " I can tell you while you are forever changed you are not defined by your loss. " I have to remind myself of that because right now I do feel defined by it. I am engulfed in my loss right now. I do not feel like doing anything. I rarely comb my hair or go anywhere because I figure what's the point.

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