Step Families Support Group

I have lived for 13 years with a man that feels his daughter from his first marriage comes first. It has done alot of damage to our marriage but I've stuck it out for our kids and because I do love that idiot. His special treatment has allowed his daughter to take advantage of my H-he won't ever tell her "no". Now, she's been in trouble with the law, had an abortion, and is very promiscuous-and she manipulates Daddy like a pro. She doesn't live w/us anymore.

Your H treating his son differently from the other kids teaches that boy that he is entitled to special priveleges. If he is anything like my SD, he will take advantage of it. the behavior problems along with the developmental problems sound like they need professional intervention. that is a child who will especially need consistent parenting on both your parts. If your H continues to treat him differently from the other children, you will definitely have escalating problems as this child grows older.

Also, if this kid has anger management issues, is there a chance he would be a danger to the baby when it arrives? healthy 5 year olds are still learning right from wrong. If you have a child that knows he's doing wrong and acting on it anyway, what's going to happen if he becomes jealous of the new child? Will he try to "break" it like his stepbrother's toy?

I hope you have better results getting your H to wake up; I never could.

boottuff, can you give me advise how you were able to survive those years , its really a tough situation for me. My SD is 9 yo, i been in this situation for 2 years and about to give up. Its really stressfull for me as if i cant say anything bad for my SD, i have to glorify her or serve her when she is with us but yet my H just let her treat me like a crap. I dont blame my SD attitude i blame it to his father. My SD will just call me if she need someone to serve here like for example she wants a cup of water or she forgot her socks.. I feel like a maid in the house I clean her room, wash her laundry, brush her hair, prepare lunch for school...etc , I would probably dont mind it if i see that she is treating me with respect. When she is with us she never hug me nor look at me and say hi because her father dont want to teach her to do that. He just let his Daughter do what ever she wants if she is with us including treating me like a maid. A child is a child need to be taught and have guidance from parents so that they will grow up as a resposible and respectful individual. My husband is spoiling too much with his daughter. We cant have baby together because her daughter said she doesnt want a brother or sister because she not getting attention anymore she said that when she was 7 yo. I dont know what to do anymore its really affecting my marriage.

I wish I had some really great advice for you-but I don't. Having my SD in my house was my own private nightmare for 12 years. She's been out for 18mos and it is just a painful blur.

I got my SD when she was 6. My H was living with my IL's for 4 because he lost the house in the divorce and instead of getting his own place, stayed there for the live-in babysitting advantages. Her grandparents spoiled this child rotten When I married my H, my SD refused to dress, wipe, or feed herself @ home, wouldn't hold a tooth or hair brush. She would do it @ school but the expectation was that I was going to take over GM's role and do it for her @ home. I refused and alot of the crap started there. I was (as my H put it once) as "sorry excuse for a parent".

I should've left then but I stuck it out in the hopes that everything would get better. I was having it mentally beat into my brain by my H and my MIL that I didn't know what I was doing because I wasn't the BM. If I tried to do something for my SD, I couldn't because I wasn't her BM and it wasn't my place. If I didn't do something for her, I wasn't treating her like she was my child. I was damned no matter what I did.

then, something miraculous happened-my son came along and I discovered I wasn't a crappy mother, I was a very good mother. My H couldn't use the excuse that I wasn't the BM to our son and I was finally being the parent I knew I could be. My daughter showed up a year later and I discovered that having a girl was actually a wonderful thing, not the hell my SD was putting me thru.

Of course, that caused more trouble because then my H was saying that I wasn't treating my SD the same as my kids. It was true-but my H wasn't treating me like I was my SD's mother, either. We almost divorced in 2001 because of this. We managed to patch things up and we didn't divorce-much to my SD's and MIL's profound disappointment. My SD took to stealing my jewelry, tried to file a false report with CPS that I was beating her. The lies continued endlessly.

Then, around 15, my SD started sneaking out of the house thru the windows, skipping school, having unprotected sex. My H wouldn't believe me when I told him but then she would get caught by someone else-then he'd believe it. when she was old enough to drive, she would have weekends with the BM only to drive to the current BF and spend the weekend with him. The BM, who is a world class tramp-would lie for her. My SD finally wound up pregnant and had an abortion but to this day, my H still denies that she did it.

The final act was bringing a felon to our house for sex-a man with a criminal hx of assault involving a child. My H, who is a cop, refused to intercede-he told my SD he was going to kick her out then refused to do it when she did it again. he said he had lost control but couldn't live without her under the same roof as him. I couldn't believe it-my H knew what this man was-he checked him out-and refused to put a stop to him from coming into our house.

I had enough. Our children were 8 and 9 and he was refusing to protect them from a man who got his rocks off to hurting children. My SD was an adult and as homeowner, I had the power to evict her and I was going to use it. My H got angry with me and left me and our 2 small children. He and my SD went back to my MIL-for my H, that lasted about 3 days and he came home. My SD has remained there milking my MIL for all she is worth. We did a short stint of counseling but the main thing is that my SD is out of the house and things have improved just because she is gone.

I put up with it for several reasons. First, although my H is a world-class fool, I love him. Second, I love my kids and they needed him. Once my SD was out of the house, my H became a better father to them. Third, where I live, there is no daycare, no nearby neighbors. My family couldn't help me raise my kids. I had to work; I needed my H home to help me with them. It's not a great reason but I didn't have alot of alternatives. Our marriage is still rocky but with my SD gone, it is definitely showing more promise than it did 18 mos ago.

So, you see, there is no great advice to give. Sometimes, I think I was a fool to stay and put up with the crap. But right now, my H is doing something with my son -having some "manly" time together- and I have to believe that it was worth it for my kids' sakes.

Sweetie I hear you, I have been there, his youngest is now 11 and his oldest is now 15, my daughter is 13, One thing I wold love to say to these men is COMMEN SENSE goes along way!When the 11 year old was 5 I lived through he$$ and I don't wish that for no one. He lets her by with anything and his 2 kids is the only thing plus of course his deer hunting, he has no relationship with my daughter they don't speak, it's always been about his kids their mom, I have bent over backwards for his kids and they look to me when they need anything, his little one was a brat now shes a 11 and she has got her commen sense although she gets on my nerves but thats what kids do, her oldest sister the 15 year old is a total brat, her world revolves around her and what she wants, needs, she has a bad attitude and he covers everything up for her, she treats her mom like crap, me my daughter her sister and thinks life i unfair because she can't shop everyday, I avoid her as much as possible her mom has called me trying to figure out what to do about her cussing, but when I go talk to her dad he says you always have something to say about my kids. Well I say where heres a problem then fix it whether its mine or yours he ignores it, I was married for 18 years to my daughters dad, and it was mentally and physically abusive but I could fight and try to defend myself there is noway to defend myself in this relationship, Im always wrong but whe nthey need something which is every hour they call me not dad or mom, Gosh forbid to disturb their parents, me and my ex get along way better now and when somethings wrong I call my daughters dad Hardly ever I deal with it mostly all alone my mom and my sister, but my daughter is 13 and has such a good head on her shoulkders, she plays basketball and is in the 8th grade she races a 85 suski motorcycle and has numours trophys, she has aboyfriend who is so super nice, I can trust her and she trusts me as her mom, as we speak i dropped his 11 year old off to school and soon as I got home she wants me to bring her tylenol for a heacache, I took my daughter to school the to, her dad is hunting who knows where her mom is they depend on me, her dad just texted me and said well take her some tylenol, I have did this for 5 years with his kids while he has a life and their mom has a life, but when I say no u come and do it he says well what do I need you for, i pay my own bills, anything for my daughter is up to me, he helps me finacially 0! He helps me emtionally 0! I am the one who does not need him, how do we go on, I have tried and I know you have but trust me, it jsut gets no better, They need to stay home and deal with thekis and they would have a different opinion, I am so sorry for rambling but I feel your pain and I am a stay at home mom to, We have the hardest job, I love kids but I have a hard time with the lack of respect and attitude his kids have towards everything, but their dad is like that to. I wish you the best and please send me a friend request and we will talk more, Big Hugs hang in there. Amy

Wow I have really been where you are. We had custody of all 5 kids: my 3 plus his 2 from the start. When I became the stepmom to the SD from he!! she was 10. When he became the stepdad to the stepdaughter from he!! she was 13(yes, my middle child hated him). Now we are down to 1 at home & peace & harmony reign. What I learned the hard way:

1. One step-parent can't fix a "broken" kid. And yes, our most difficult ones were broken and as much as we'd like to blame the non-custodials, we both had a hand in it even if it was just by not divorcing the problem parent sooner. It is up to the parents to clean up their own messes and work with the therapists. Steps need to be supportive and loving but the parent needs to be leading the charge. And if the parent's not leading where you think they should go, your jumping in front isn't going to fix the problem. So take a look at what the custodial parent is doing & learn to live with and (if it's your spouse) support it, but not change it or take charge of it. My husband was a saint for putting up with my daughter and standing by and supporting me while I tried so hard to help her. She's better and he served as a role model for what a real man should act like. While their relationship isn't perfect he does love her and she does respect him & recognizes his place in my happiness. But when it came to his own troubled daughter, this same man was clueless.

There will be my kid/your kid stuff no matter what. Kids from intact families cry "no fair" all the time too. Our kids got different allowances. His got more. My kids never bring this up now that they're adults so it must not have been as traumatic as I thought. What they hate was how mean his kids were to me and how much of me they lost to him & his kids. Think about that long & hard.

View everything you do for his kids as optional. If he has custody or shared parenting it's because someone felt he was the better or at least equally good parent. So whatever he does is or should be good enough and whatever you do should be frosting on the cake. For Peacemaker, there is no reason SD's dad can't do all the things you just described. Two key phrases "ask your dad" and "she's your kid" (don't say not my kid say your kid) For some reason most women seem to assume if there's a kid in the house, it up to her to raise them. And for whatever reason, most men seem perfectly willing to let that happen until the kid complains & then they want to stop the complaint. The only way that stops is if dad's the one raising his kids, with stepmom not enabling lazy parenting.

I ended stepping in with his kids in 3 areas: lying, personal hygene & things that affected all of us. Notice all the things that aren't on the list (laundry, homework, making beds, what they wore to school, bedtime, etc.). I taught my kids table manners and ignored his - when my kid questioned it in front of them, I said "You are my child and it is important to me to teach you good table manners". Yet just from sitting there his were learning it too and if they wanted to, they could apply it. When mine brought up that his didn't hve to, I simply smiled & looked at their dad. Same with bedtimes - I told them why bedtimes were important to me and when they said "what about them/", I said "this is about you and I care too much about you to let you go to school tired". The report cards told the rest of the story. Their dad was there. He could have done the same. He chose not to. Not my problem. My adult kids don't resent any of this now, like I said earlier, they just wish they'd had more of me.

I should have held out & gotten on the same page with him before we moved in together (or not, and walked away) but I didn't & none of us did or we wouldn't be reading this. But we can warn our friends or better yet let them read all this stuff before they make the same mistakes we did.

Good Luck to you & God bless you for trying so hard.

I dont think it gets easier at all. My hubby and I only fight about his two girls that we see every second weekend and it is enough to have our marriage on the edge or dissolving.
He can not see anything wrong in them either. They can do no wrong and we are worlds apart on parenting ideas which makes it hard.
The hardest part for me is he sees me with other children and says why do you like them, why do have fun with them, why do those kids like you, why do you talk to them. Yes all the things I cant do with his kids.
Why they have no personality, dont know the meaning of fun or socialising to the extend they wont even join in when we have guests with kids their own age.
I have offered to take them to clubs to be with other kids but they are not interested. I come from a big believe in family, friends doing things together be it sport or art things. But they dont want to.
So we dont speak and it is very hard to be around. They are all over their dad from the minute they get here until they leave so much so I dont speak to him unless in our bedroom.
I now am at the stage after a very ruff weekend with them that I dont want to see them any longer, it is doing my head in and my health is paying the price.
If anyone has ideas I would welcome them. I have thought about going away each weekend they are here but why should I leave my own home for them?
In need of support please help.

Kiwi i am so so sorry....i was there with 3 stepkids ages then 7,9 and 11 they weer horrible to me,treated me like carp.....still do to this day. Now they are 26,23, and 21 and boy it is hard.....they stole,lied,did drugs,etc....stole from my mom,their dad,me their gmother....the school....it was hell. I cant really talk to them they are hurtful kids..well adults now. I dont know what to sy....our marriage has been on the rocks for like 4 yrs now...because of them and my dh drinking....combined it is a bomb!!! I stay...i guess because i care for him...but not his kids....they have put me through total hell......

Oh Felicia I am sorry to hear about your situation. My hubby and I are yet to sit down and discuss last weekend and the fast years in depth. My mum tells me I am horrible for not liking his children.
What can you do you cant get along with everyone and my diaries always are about the hard times I have with them.
Is it right to say I dont want them here every second weekend. I go through anixety waiting for them to come and it takes a week to get over again then the cycle begins again. Is this is the right way to live in my own home.
I guess what makes me sad is that him and I are growing apart very quickly and this upsets me as we are best mates and have sooooo much fun together.
As a father I can see he is protective of them but hey they wont be in his life as such for ever but I hopefully will be in the rocking chair next to him.
You need a medal for staying. It takes alot of heart and strength. I hope you treat yourself with nice things now and then even be it a walk or read a book to a massage or girly time.

Kiwi, I learned the biggest critics of stepparents are the ones who have never done the job with the kids we get stuck with. There's no way anyone can know what we get put thru unless they've walked in our shoes. My SD is "the other woman"-she is the person my H will lie to me for-there's nothing in the world that will make me feel for her like I do for my own kids and I know I'm not a horrible person. Neither are you. We need to be rewarded for the crap we get have to deal with.

Boottuff you are a miracle. I thank you so much for your support. It is wonderful to find someone who understands and I thank you for saying I am not a bad person. It has taken me time to deal with and I still have to talk to hubby before next weekend about something he doesn think there is an issue with. With me having bipolar (not being bipolar) it is often blamed on that and the fact I am off the rails but it is not the case for five years. x