Single Dads Support Group

Hi people, thought time to put out my dealings with being a single Dad and how I ended up here so here goes.... hope you have some free time this will no doubt be a very long post and maybe one of the hardest I have ever written anywhere as it is extremely personal. It's not a story many know fully and I feel just for myself I need to get it out of my system entirely.

Well I guess the beginning is the best place to start.
I met my kid's Mum when she was 17 and I was 18, she wasn't the usual sort of girl I dated, and I'll admit didn't know much about her before we jumped into it. This was unlike me as I a a bit old fashioned and have always been long courtship kind of guy,and yep I was right, rushing into a relationship and sex is never a good idea and I think the main cause so many relationships fail these days, but that's something else I guess.

For the first 3 years things were great, we were young care free and partied alot, I over looked some of her weird habits and behaviours as I'd been made aware of her history, she'd spent a lot of time in state care due to being neglected and from being visciously raped by a friend of her Fathers when 12, then when sent to live with her Mother due to this, and was then molested by her step father, something that occured to her older and younger sister too I was later to find out. Which resulted in us at a very young age raising her 14 year old mentally disabled sister for a while.

Shortly after we dated my flatmate kicked me out for spending so much time there, lol yeah my flatmate was female. So my girlfriend asked me to move in. Which I did, we had sex from the get go and foolishly without protection as she had told me she was on the pill, and this for me was confirmed by the ever decreasing pill script in the bathroom. When one day I walked into the bathroom to find her flushing the pill for that day down the sink, when confronted she admitted she hadn't been taking them at all and had just washed them down the sink and that she wanted to get pregnant. We sat down and discussed it and managed to convince her that we were both too young to be parents and were still kids ourselves and it turned out that she wanted a child so she could raise and love it like she had not been. But we agreed that it wasn't sensible, she did start takig the pill properly then, but eventually we did stop using it, especially after medical advice had told us due to some of the trauma she experienced as a kid there was little chance of her concieving.

I met her family and that was the first major alarm bell, I look back and realise now soon as I met her mother and father and the other inlaws I should of turned and ran right there and then, it was seriously like meeting a family that could of been from the movie "the deliverance" I to this day have never met such a messed up family, but I thought, well I don't have to date them.
As time went on I found out about their skeletons in the closet and I could not fathom the amount of sexual abuse and sexual abnormality that was involved on both sides.
She was aware of all this but always fostered the hopeless desire that her parents and family would magically turn around and become the Cleavers.
I supported her at all times even when I thought it was mad, but she wouldn't have it that it was damaging her to still be trying to get ovew from these people. e.g despite both sisters also claiming sexual abuse and evidence to back it up the mother to her dying day said they were all liars and stayed with her husband.

Things just proceeded down hill from there, the ex had "blocked" out alot of her child hood and it was starting to come back, I would place my hand on her shoulder and she would jump in terror, and tell me sorry that is how "such and such" touched me before he raped me, it came to where I had to broadcast my intentions before hand for a hug, as she'd freak out when I walked up from behind and hugged her.
It got even worse when upon turning 18 and leaving state care, the as they do with all wards of the state, foolishly handed her her case file.
I asked her not to read it, she asked me to read it first and I did then again advised her not to read it, but she insisted and almost had a mental breakdown upon doing so.

We used to drink and smoke a small amount of pot about once a week, went to the occasional party, but after this she started to drink and smoke dope regurlarly, to the point where the first thing she did in the day and the last thing at night was to smoke a bong. it ended up being a almost all day every day thing for her. She started cutting off old good friends of hers and started hanging out with real low lifes, going wherever she could get a "smoke" as we couldn't afford her habit.
She started becoming aggresive and violent towards me, I'd laugh it off when she hit me and tried reasoning that she had a lot of built up anger she needed to get out of her system and I was helping her vent it.
She lost the desire to do anything but smoke dope and hang out with her "new" friends, leaving all housework and chores to me, which was becoming a struggle as I was working fulltime.
She had started ringing me every day, up to 10 times at work and my employers started getting pissed off with it. Just calling about trivial things that could of waited, she then would come and see me at work, needless to say not long after my hours were reduced and I was eventually fired.

At this point I suggested that maybe she get her own place and that perhaps we had rushed into things, and maybe should try starting again. Doing things the right way. I managed to make her see sense and she agreed, she got a place of her own. Started cleaning up her act after I said I wouldn't tolerate the her extreme weed usage anymore and even landed herself a full time job, things really started getting better and she ended up being the girl I fell in love with again.
She was still smoking weed about once a week like before, I admit I was still smoking but even less so myself now. But she wasn't over doing it and was pleasant to be around.

Then in 1996 we found out she was pregnant with our first child, she had actually gone into the doctors to get back onto a contraceptive as we decided it would be a good idea, so when she came back from getting the pill to tell me she was pregnant I was a bit stunned, but happy none the less, the following week I moved back in with her. things still were going great, and she totally gave up cigarettes, booze, weed and even coffee during her pregnancy, I was very proud of her. We looked at it as a blessing as she'd turned her life back around and as I said before she'd been told conceiving was ging to be almost impossible.

Early December 96 my eldest daughter was born, things went smoothly with the exception of some excessive bleeding.

When we got home though, things started going rough again. The ex wasn't coping well with being a parent, was a heavy sleeper, so I was assigned night duty, getting our daughter and putting her on her mothers breast, we weren't able to have sex for 4 months after her birth due to the problems that caused the bleeding. Slowly my partner started sliding back into her old bad self. sleeping all day and night, smoking dope and drinking excessivly once our daughter was off breast feeding. Her aggressive behaviour returned also. When we found out she was pregnant again.

This time she would not stop the drugs, she smoked dope through out the entire pregnancy, regardless of what I had to say. I totally gave up smoking dope there and then myself hoping to set an example.

When my youngest was born in 98, I was literally left holding the baby,
they rushed her off for surgery as she was bleeding out incredibly, I was left hlding our baby I had just washed and dressed, without being told or assisted for 2 hours what was happening. My daughter hadn't even had her first feed.
We were later told there was a problem with her womb, that only affects than less than 5% of women world wide.

When we got home she was depressed and still doing her bad habits but was sort of stable. I continued to support her, asking her to seek help as I thought she was depressed and that she had never had her own childhood issues dealt with.
I had to give up my job to look after all 3 of them, as she was incapable of looking after herself let alone our girls and our home was becoming a pig sty.

Once again she became pregnant with our 3rd child, sadly upon visiting doctors they informed us if she went through with this pregnancy it would more than likely kill her. Doctor's advised us for her own safety the baby should be terminated and that she get her tubes tied to prevent further pregnancies. Something we regrettebly did, but not from choice. This seemed to push her over the edge.
At a later date she would go and tell people I made her terminate the baby. That I must say totally killed me inside.

She was becoming more abusive, using more drugs, was going out partying and I was left to be the stay at home dad taking care of everything, forced to go on unemployment benefits. until after a couple more years I had had enough and left. I attempted to leave with our daughters and she called the police after hiding my car keys so I couldn't go. I spoke to the police as she was making a scene saying I wouldn't leave (neglecting telling them I couldn't as she had my keys) and that I was abducting the children, I informed the police there was no custody in place, and that I had every right under our laws to take my children and that I was doing so as she had just physically assaulted me while I was holding both of them in my arms.
She had come at me with a knife while I held our children. The police said they understood, and asked if I would just let her hug them good bye, which I said I had no problems with, fool me handed them to her for a hug, at which point the police told me I must leave of they'd lock me up. I was horrified and will admit I burst into tears and to this day will never trust the police again. (though it took a few experiences with police to become that way.)

I just drove around not knowing where to go or what to do, she called my mobile as if nothing had happened and asked me to return home.
Feeling lost I did, where she told me things would change.
But they never did, a few months later after another assault on me I left again with the kids. this time the police did the same thing, asking for me to just let her hug them, I politely told them about the last time and I wouldn't be fooled again. They harassed the hell out of me as I walked up the street, until I made it clear that unless they arrested me or I had committed some crime they best leave me alone of I'd make complaints and that I had every legal right to leave with my kids, which they said was correct. Unlike my then partner the police made no offers to assist me, something I found amazing as if I had been a woman they would of gone out of their way to help me. And that's not being sexist, it's seriously how things are in tis country law wise.

Stupidily I would allow her to always talk me into coming back, and I would, until I did eventually leave after she seriously assaulted me while i was bed ridden with the flu, because the house work wasn't being done. I woke up to her on top of me punching into my chest.
I got a place and started getting my life back on track.

I would come and babysit the kids when she wanted to go out, stay there over night at times up to a week to ensure their bedding and clothes were washed, and they were being properly fed. Everything was fine as long as I didn't go against her. We were no longer in a relationship and I felt like a slave, but I had to ensure my childrens well being. It finally came to her having to go away for a week as her mother was in hospital having surgey, and she wanted to be by her side. I had stopped going to her house and upon going there to pick up the girls was horrified by the state of the house, sink over flowing with dirty mouldy dishes, the dining table covered in rubbish and not clean with old food spills and such all over it, that my children were still expected to eat at. The living room floor was covered with wall to wall mcdonalds and kfc wrappers. I almost vomited. I later went back with a video camera and filmed it hoping it would finally open up the eyes of family services, who despite my repeated calls for assistance, oddly had no record of it when it did eventually go to court.
It was the most disgusting house I have personally witnessed.

When she returned to get the girls I refused to allow her to take them.
I had been into see a lawyer and had filed for custody. Regrettably to make matters worse her mother who had been recovering fine from surgery unexpectedly died the following week.
We proceeded to court months later as I was awarded temporary custody of the children, in court the Independant Children's Lawyer assigned to the case asked the video I shot be shown and he told the judge "I hope you haven't eaten yet your honour." She admitted to being violent towards me and the children yet tried to justify her actions on the stand. Needless to say I was awarded full custody with her getting every 2nd weekend to visit and half of school holidays. I had offered her more time with the children which she refused, and the judge said he wouldn't allow her any more time than that any way.

So for the following year I had my children, They were healthy and happy, no longer missed a day at school (the previous year in her care they had both missed almost 3 months of school just cos she had slept in) they were no longer witnessing her and her friends smoking dope, yep they were smoking it right in front of them. I had been clean of the stuff for a couple of years by now and to this day still am.
But shortly after I got custody , I started having the police turn up to my door step. First it was a restraining order, then it was made up assault charges. Police coming because she said she thought I was harming the kids, when the police did come I was cooking dinner and the kids were happy, and told the police everything was fine, police told me they could see it was a load of manure and apologised to me saying they had to check, which I said was fine. I even had the police break into my house, after she called them and said she thought I was dead, because I didn't answer my door to her. Bit hard to answer a door when you're not home.
I could not believe she was wasting police time and getting away with it.

this continued until the 2005 christmas holidays here, our summer break being from December until Febuary when she had the girls for 4 weeks. when she didn't return them at the end of January when she was meant to I called her, and she refused to speak to me and only said she would not be returning the girls under the advice of child and family services and the police, and if I wanted to know more I best contact them, I rang CFS and the police and CFS would not tell me anything except call the police and when I called the police they asked me to come to the station and would not discuss it over the phone. It turned out she made some rather nasty allegations about me, I was placed on some charges and went back to court, where she was granted interim custody of the children until I had the charges dealt with, then when the case was dismissed and I was cleared of the allegations, clearly proven to be bullshit, I went back to court, where it was brought before a different Judge and treated differently due to the accusations. regardless of them being shown as false and me being found innocent of them.

I did not see my children in the entire 10 months it took to deal with the charges. I was then only to see my kids under supervision once a month until the family court case began again. Even then going up to 3 months without them being brought to visit without reason from child and family services, they had even back dated letters to me, that refered to events after the date the letters were supposed to of been sent. I felt like I had stepped into the twilight zone. After all the abuse she had subjected me and my children to, the same "Officials" that refused to help the children and I were helping her!!!
It went back to court where she on the stand admitted she was still assaulting the children with once example being my eldest child being down in the corner being punched around the head, and her mother saying "but i wasn't hitting her in the head" as she was hitting my daughters arms she was shielding herself with. We were in a court room 200km away from where we lived, something even the lawyers couldn't understand, and after a week in a hotel, I agreed to a shared care arrangement where she would have one week of custody and I the next, this order never even took place.

Within days of the orders being made I was visited by the police, more charges made. I moved an hour away from the town I lived to be closer to the school their mother had enrolled them in leaving behind friends and family. Child and family services and the Independant Childrens Lawyer who was the one who told the judge about not eating lunch yet, said my premises were not suitable for the children
yet noone came to see my new house, the ICL and CFS after being told my address and being invited to come around and inspect the place for themselves upon returning to court said they didn't even know my address, or that I had a new place, again I was dumbfounded. Even moreso when the judge again adjourned proceedings for another YEAR, and made new orders cancelling me having shared care and not giving me any visitations at all.

I can tell you I seriously wanted to kill myself. I have never in my life til that point been suicidal. Friends and family even her friends could not believe what my own government was doing to my children, because that was who was really being messed with and let down, my kids.
I looked for parenting assistance, social workers whatever help I could with my situation, I had given up on lawyers as they never seemed to be able to get any orders made enforced. and every where i went they had racks and racks of pamphlets for "womens services" with such things as "are you a victim of domestic violence?" with a great big logo of the female sex symbol on the front, nothing for men at all. Even the Police told me I was screwed as our laws here are structured in favour of the women. You'd be amazed at how easy and with no proof a woman can get you placed in jail. I had led an honest life until 30, and now I was being incarcerated, strip searched and humilated and having unfounded accusations levelled against me. I'm now 34 and it's still happening. TIme went on kept going back to court it kept being adjourned, as now I had criminal matters to deal with it allowed her to keep the kids, didn't matter if she kicked the crap out of them. or that blind freddy could see I was only getting charges from her and only after being awarded custody or visitations. Of which I'll give a prime example shortly.

This sort of thing contiued until last year when the judge after not seeing my kids for 10 months (and god my kids did cart wheels when they saw me and I've never seen bigger smiles on a child's face) I was awarded a visit every 2nd Saturday from 8:30am to 4:30pm
(this while I am meant to be having 50% custody) on the 1st of december 2008. on the 3rd of december police without knocking just walked into my house and issued me with a family violence order. What this order is, is that anyone can go to the police and say that person thereatenedme, and pow you got an order on you, no proof needed, no right to appeal it. you are just stuck with it.
Then on the 6th of december that same week, when I went to pick up my kids, for the first time in almost 11 months, the girls mother was there, they were not, then a police car pulled up, aked if I was trevor, I said yes I was, and they told me I was under arrest. Her family court solicitor had on this day, arranged for me to be arrested on a warrant for a damn unpaid parking ticket. Something I found out from the Tasmanian Legal Proffesion Board is a criminal act on her behalf, and are investigating it. I was detained in a small police cell for 10 hours, no smokes no books nothing just 4 walls and a concrete block to sit on. I was then taken into court at 10pm that night to apply for bail which I easily got as the sargent prosecuting stated they were not activley seeking me, and made it clear to the presiding Justice of the Peace that it was an obvious abuse of the law by the mother and lawyer. Thankfuly he was sympathetic to my plight. Like I said the police can only work with the laws they are provided with and they are open to exploitation and it does piss most of them off. But I have had to deal with some nasty police in my time. Upon bail I was left in the middle of the city at night to find my own way home. I even had to buy more smokes as they had disposed of my cigarettes and lighter as part of the arresting procedure. Needless to say I was crushed, a visit with my kids, I was elated only to be trashed by an uneccesary arrest.

Well it went back to court in February and now I was given same visits but for Sundays now, I expressed my disgust with the courts for allowing this to go on so long, for not enforcing their orders, and asked them to tell me damn well one god reson I was being kept from my kids, I never once had my parenting ability questioned the entire time. All the judge did was not my frustration with the system and set a new court date on the 20th of this month just gone.
I am stuck with the same visits and interim order, after again expressing my frustration, pointing out fraudulent letters from CFS, the fact the ICL never came and looked at my place nore did CFS when they were ordered too and that their was no legal nor moral reason to not give me back full custody iof the children, when their was no reason they should of been removed from me in the first place and that all the evidence, including family reports done by their own court shrink, indicated that the kids mother was violent, abusive, a drug abuser, a liar and recommended the children be returned to me. Hell they were even ignoring their own experts.
All the Judge did? was dismissed the ICL from the case, making him free and clear of him not doing his job. I now have to with the mother and her lawyer appear before a registrar on the 10th of August, we have to again, write out new affidavits, present evidence, make up the orders we want and basically start this case from scratch! Talk about wanting to scream. Despite them even being told that my eldest daughter was placed into welfare temporarily as her Mum couldn't cope with her, that she was left with a drug dealer friend who was raided by police and arrested in front of her, a guy she still gets left with over night. and other horror stories my kids are subjected to.
Some days feels like I have died and am living in hell.

It has been going for 5 years now, there has been pile after pile of testimony, evidence, me and my kids being poked and prodded by shrinks. That any moron can see says this woman is a perpertrator of domestic violence against myself and our children. The stories she tells police completely contradict what she has testified too in the family court. I have spent god knows how many times in a police cell, with one time being remanded in a medium security prison for one month. Been harrassed at my kids events by the police. and as much as I love my kids it is now after so long and what I have had to endure hard to get back up and keep fighting. It's cost me relationships, job oppurtunities and I am fearful of getting custody of my kids because it'll mean another trip to a police cell no doubt.


I feel powerless, some might ask why don't I complain against the police and courts etc etc?

Well I am originally from the state, Western Australia and now live in the state of Tasmania.
Tasmania is the only Australian State or Territory where there is no independant body of inquiry.
Police investigate police, courts investigate courts, doctors investigate doctors and so on. It has a reputation for being the most corrupt and backwards place in Australia. It's like living in an over sized country town in the 50's.

If I had lived elsewhere in Oz I wouldn't have been through this.
Seems hard evidence and facts mean nothing in Tasmania.
And yes the original Judge that awrded me custody was from interstate this current judge not enforcing his orders is Tasmanian.

But I have been thorugh this and will continue to go through this because I love my children and as a parent it is my job to go through hell and back to protect them.
But damn it is getting hard.

I want to leave this state, I am engaged and going to be getting married. I have jobs waiting interstate for me, at what point do I get my life back? another 7 years when my youngest is 18 and a legal adult?
Not sure I can do another year of this let alone 7. I mean if I can't see my children and protect them, am I wasting my time putting my life on hold and trying? It is taking it's toll on my health with my left side of my body now numb and slowly paralyzing, doctors thinking it's my body attacking itself due to the stress of it all and my right hand is starting to go numb too but as yet they are clueless as to what it is and how to fix it.

I don't think anyone can give me advice, this is just me relaying my story about what a father can go through. A lot of my questions are rhetorical I guess as I know I will keep fighting. As for my daughters sake I have to.

If you endured this long rant, thanks for taking the time to read my story. And I pray to god if he/she/it exsists that no other parent or child goes through what I have.
Posted on 07/31/09, 09:07 am