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This community is dedicated to fathers who are going through the parenting process alone or without the support of a spouse. Single parenthood may occur as the result of many thing...
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How do I move on
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I am single dad of one 6 year old boy. I am having trouble excepting my new life as my own and so is my son. We were a close Fam. all the way up to were she walked out on me. I love my wife and really enjoyed being a fam. but she did not... She cheated on me and pretty much treated me bad for most of the relationship, but for some strange reason I can't let myself move on even though she is or should I say started before we even split up. Any way how do I move on from here not only for me but for my son also. I have a very close relationship with my son and I can tell that all of this is really bothering him. Not only that her and I no longer live together but because he can tell I am sad... His mother is always out partying and seeing friend even when she is suppose to be with him, so I feel the time I have him I spend a lot of time doing damage control with him for what has gone on while he was with her. She does not abuse him but she is always on the go or leaving him with her mother and not spending any real one on one time with him. We do have pretty much 50/50 custody of him so that is good for him. I don't want to keep raddling on so i will stop. All I want to know is how to move on in a possitive direction for me and him, even if she is not? Thank you for your time and input...
Posted on 08/16/09, 11:08 pm |
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one thing children are which took me a long while to get is, they are resilient.
I too have been in the same shoes you are. My challenge as a single father is to make certain that as my children grow, they respect the other parent, I never bad mouth in front of them or, away from them for that matter. I realized as time (optimum word, TIME) went on that, the wounds DO heal and close. As a MAN, I feel first off that my ego was busted way more than anything else. Throw in the debt, the loss of alot of "so called" friends, and of course the switching households on a bi-weekly basis as well as her moved on (with whom she was with while we were married), and that I am still single (all funds I obtain go to debt and I feel guilty if I do something for myself when I could use money I spend on myself on occasion for me and the kids... the biggest factor I know is, like the wounds which have pretty much closed, the debt will go away, the kids will benefit from having two parents, and life moves on. Another key factor is, you CANNOT care what it is that she does... Now, if she's leaving the child overnight alot and is in the agreement that she should offer the child to you, do good by the kid. All they ever want is a caring, involved parent. As far as the sadness you feel around him at times. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. Always have a smile on your face. Reflect or whatever you need to do while your child is NOT with you... Avoid getting emotional while learning details of your ex's new life. One day at a time. Just like starting a new health plan or deciding to drop some weight, you don't lose 20, 50, 100 lbs. after a day or even a short period. It's LOTS of work. There's recommendations of books, and such here and on the life after divorce and breakup & divorce site also that'll give you a hand. If you're still in a funk more than not, you should consider counseling. 
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Firstly I have to say that Middle has got it spot on, I'm in a slightly different situation to yourself so can't relate on all your concerns but some of what you've said do very much so.
The key to moving on is all about you, like middle said, kids are resilient, in fact I've been constantly amazed at this, so please try to stop worrying quite so much what's going on in his head because unless there's something obviously holding him back with his behaviour, getting yourself sorted and leading a good life with him will make everything else fall into place. You need to be happy, it won't happen overnight, it takes time and subtle but consistent change to your life, you have 50/50 custody so make use of the time on your own, join a club, be it sports or learning a new craft, whatever you do get some freshness into your life and get rid of your daddy hat whenever you can, embrace the changes forced upon you and be positive about them. I'm great at lecturing but not so good at taking my own advice so hopefully you'll have more success at this than I. Try to stop worrying so much and make yourself important, good luck...A
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Think about a new life and think about finding a woman who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. She disrespected you in the worst way and you deserve a lot better than that. I would have loved nothing more than to kept my family together but unfortunately, two extremely selfish people wouldn't allow that to happen so I did what I had to do to take care of myself and to show my four daughters that it is NOT okay to sleep around on your husband and treat people the way she did me. I don't want them acting like that some day.
Hang in there and think about setting a good example for your son. You want him to be able to stand up for himself and not allow some woman to walk all over him someday right? He will understand all this some day and he will be proud of you for what you did to protect yourself.
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