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Help with the ex and new partner
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Hey all,
Bit of a long story sorry in advance, Split from the ex 1 yr ago, she left me for new partner, we have a child together, 50/50 split she treated me very badly during the split and after, i tried to be the bigger person and ignored her antics , i managed to rebuild my life over the year , although no new partner yet, we communicated through a third party during this time, which suited me as the less contact meant i could move on easier, she then splits from her parter and tells the third party she wants me and her to communcate for our child, fair enough i think, although i insist text only, we text for about a week on various matters child related, then she calls and during the conversation, says she regrets what she did and wishes she could turn the clock back and stay with me, i tell her, that i am not interested , truth is, i still love her but i would not allow myself to be treated as i was again and feel she would just repeat her behaviour, although it hurts, i have to do this, anyway, 2 weeks go by and now she has a new partner, the texts have dried up! no surprise there! the suprise, for me, is that i feel very jealous of this new partner, i havent even seen him ! very strange, why am i jealous?? i know we cannot be together and was moving on quite nicely, then she gets in contact, and although i turned her down, it has brought her "back" in my life in a way, i do not want to feel like this! what can i do?? should i cut contact again?? surely not in the best interests of our child? how can i deal with these emotions? i want to find someone but feel all this is just holding me back! does anyone have any advice ?? i feel like i did when we first split again! but i had moved so far and am now back at the start!! AAARRRGH!!! any help would be greatly appreciated, thanks in advance Posted on 01/31/09, 07:01 am |
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if she honestly is willing to work on things and her self, and you still love her, tell her to go to privet counseling for her issues (and you may have to do the same, it takes two to tango after all), and you both go to couples counseling together, if anything for the child it could be worth it to have you both in his/her life as good examples of working hard on issues together to make things work in your lives as a couple. if not that then just let it go. 
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I'd say a year is not a sufficient healing period. You've not had any women in your life and that's a good thing for now, since you are, as you say, rebuilding.
I agree with TES, in that she has to do more than just offer words. If she is willing to face her flaws rather than excuse them, she should be willing to seek counselling for a spell, with no commitment from you. There may be something worth saving here, but she made the first move then, and she'll have to step up and make the first move back now. Do not put your life on hold while she makes up her mind. Minimize contact with the ex and be a father to your child first. Chicks dig that, for some reason..) This time next year, if things haven't changed, I'll bet you won't be so broke up about it. GDAD
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I wish I could be more optimistic than the others, but if this woman treated you like crap when you were together, there's nothing that's going to change that behavior in the future. Especially considering she's already jumped into another relationship. I would be more concerned with her behavior as a mother.
Does her boyfriend stay overnight when the child is there? If so, do you object to this? If not, you should, because presumably you haven't had any overnight visitors when your child was around. If she does have overnight guests, document when these things happen. The courts will hear your case in this example, because it establishes moral character. Which can be a basis to establish a different custody arrangement. Again, only use this if you've never had an overnight visitor. Last, get over her and worry about your child first. Take the high road and don't let her upset you. The love of you life will come along when the time is right. Believe me. DD4
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Thanks for the replies,
A lot of good points well made, In answer to some questions, There has been minimal contact since the new boyfriend was announced, I dont think she will ask again, i made it quite clear i was not interested and she is acting as if she is not interested again, The councelling thing would mean i would have to make the suggestion and follow it through, cant see her doing it, and it is not something i want, i do not want to be with her again, no trust, I hope we can continue to co operate over our child, I have had a couple of short relationships, no stay overs with my child present, a couple of days out , but nothing else, Mt ex moved i the partner she left me for within days of me leaving and our child saw them in bed, she has already had her boyfriend stay, and yes, our child saw them in bed, told me she was jumping on him in bed, In our relationship i always felt i had to explain the obvious for her, when we split i had to stop this , and now no longer feel i have to explain what should be obvious, i have just had to get used to the fact that as long as she keeps our child safe, i cannot expect to guide her parening, although i would like to , she would not be responsive to this, I took her to court when we split, self represented, and got my 50/50 split and parental responsibility, i dont trust the courts to give me more , i have heard and read all the horror stories when men attempt full custody, 1 wee since my origional post and i am now accepting the fact that i hav a bumpy road ahead but its not the end of the world, Something will turn up , the cup IS always half full!, Thans again for your considered advice and taking the time to reply, Any further comments would be much appreciated
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The love of Christ has always brought me throuh every situation in my life. Love Him the way you wished she would love you, and He will heal not only your heart, but He will re-direct your focus.
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