What is Shyness
Shyness is a feeling of insecurity that certain people experience while being among others, talking with others, asking favors of others, etc.
Shyness is most likely to occur...
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Fear of rejection
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Hi everyone,
I've been shy most of my life. I was reasonably outgoing as a child and had some friends but after I was bulied at high school I became quite withdrawn and found it hard to trust people. After I left school, I lost touch with everyone and I didn't have any friends for six years. Since then, I've had a really good friend who died in 2006 and a few other friends, some of whom I met on courses or through a local based Social Anxiety group I used to go to. Although it hurts me to admit it, I've not had a serious relationship yet and, because of the other problems and illnesses I have (anxiety, OCD, depression) I often feel really bad about it. The thing that makes it so difficult for me to approach women I find attractive is that I have a terrible fear of rejection. This has come about mostly due to having little confidence, low self esteem and bad experiences in the past. I sometimes wish I wouldn't give in to the doubts I have about myself and thoughts that nobody will find me interesting or likeable but I've had unfortunate experiences online too that have made me more reticent about talking to girls. I find it difficult to initiate a friendship with most people even online and though I have made some good friends in the two months I've been on here, every day I have to keep pushing myself to put myself out there as it would be very easy for me to give up on the idea of having any friends at all and shut myself from everyone. I'm feeling particularly bad about being shy at the moment as I'm looking back at so many years that I feel I wasted through my fears and anxiety. I often feel sad and lonely and wish there was some way I could turn the clock back and have those years again as an outgoing, confident, popular person instead of the worthless nobody I often feel I am. One thing that I often obsess about is how people find friends or partners when they're so shy? Who makes the first move? I sometimes feel that online is the only way I can hope to initiate friendships but even then I often can't say hello or add people I think are interesting because of my fear of rejection. I wondered how others work through the shyness in order to make new friends both online and offline. Obviously everyone has shyness to a different degree. I'd like to be able to send requests out or say hello or reply to posts without caring so much about what people might think about me. I fear that in ten years time if I'm still here I'll still find it hard to come out of my shell and talk to women I like. Or, worse still, I'll give up trying altogether. Posted on 08/18/09, 09:08 pm |
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hey!
ok so I totally understand the rejection thing. I have a hypersensitivty to rejection. Which means I don't handle it well - at all. I will dwell on thing forever! (3 years after losing the friendship of the guy I was in love with, and I'm no closer to accepting it than I was then.) But yes, it causes me great problems. I tried online dating and it just sucked. I got all the bad guys, and that was if I got much response at all. Honestly I mostly feel like giving up, but that makes me mad that everyone can find someone but me. So yes just wanted to let you know that I do know how you feel! 
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Hi Steve,
I too have fear of rejection but not as bad as I used to. I sometimes feel that i'm not accepted by others. Many people don't give me the time of day, and while I used to take it very personally, I don't so much any more. The thing I realize is that there are many people out there just as I am Anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety meds help some, and couseling helped as well. Growing up I was the "geek" all through school. I came from an abusive household and my mother made fun of me all the time. I did'nt like school, and did poorly in it. I did'nt participate in any school activities. Basically I was alone. Others did not know of my abuse through the growing years. Some people just don't have a clue. I think people looked at me and perceived me a certain way, because they never took the time to know the real me. Being around positve people is a big help. Being around people that drag us down.............well they will do just that.........drag us down. At the age of 49 years old i've realized that...you know what? "I" am okay, just the way I am! I'm not a bad person. I have a mild temperment, and because of who I am, I tend to view the world differently. I am more accepting of others and their beliefs. I"ve learned that NO one is perfect. And Steve, I am willing to bet that you're okay too. It seems you are around people who are negative and insulting. Have you tried reading any self help books? tried counseling? Just something to think about. If you can gain some self esteem and stop listen to the "negative" from people in your life...........I think you will be just fine. Sorry for such a long post. I've suffered with this for years, but learning it does'nt have to be that way. I hope you can learn it too.
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i have a fear of rejection, i too used to be outgoing growing up and was bullied because some girls thought i was too quiet. i was shy, and didn't talk much when i was in groups of people. after i moved to another town, i was bullied, and lost most of my friends. after i was bullied, even a teacher could tell that something was going on because i became really quiet. i took it really personally, and just shut down, and lost my self esteem, my personality completely changed. i was really depressed and had thoughts of dying when girls made fun of me. my friends noticed that i became really quiet, who actually described me as being "loud" before, and my best friend could tell i was depressed. the fear of rejection really affects me because i don't initiate much, like to ask if someone wants to go out for coffee or whatever. i usually wait for people to come to me, unless i have known them for a while. about a month ago, someone from work invited me out with her sisters, and a co worker, it was ok only she didn't really talk to me and i ended up talking to her sisters. after that, im not sure if i should ask her to hang out, and am afraid she will say no.
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Your not alone steve, I also have a really hard time with accepting rejection. Its something that I don't know how to handle very well and I end up thinking of it all the time, what could have happened what could have not happened. It runs around in my head constantly so I always tend to run away from it.
I've never really had a serious relationship also, and the only times I've tried to have one( Which was 2 times only in my life), the girl always ended up saying no and as I am I took it really harshly . And till now I can't go up to a girl and ask her if she wants to go out for anything, or if she even needs help. It has become a little sever for me to a certain point where I even get shy by just looking a girl in the eye, or if she looks back and we have an eye to eye contact moment I start to freak out. But what I've come to learn is that there are always ways of getting passed these barricades. I still haven't found mine, but I am sure there is one. And I hope you find yours to.
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I used to be extremely self conscious too, but my way of dealing with it now is to try to think of what insecurities the other person might be feeling instead of assuming that i'm the only one dealing with internal issues.
Another thing that helps is to remember what strong qualities you do possess/ what you have to offer, and maybe that positive energy will help you be a little more confident in the moment you meet someone new.
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I'm there too. I can be friendly to just about anybody. But when it comes to making friends, or trying to get dates I just don't have it. I have a "brood" of little sisters because I suffer from "nice guy syndrome" and don't have the confidence to push anything. It's crippling at times. I know how you feel. My best friend lives 400miles away, and anybody around here I don't consider close enough to really talk to. Thus...my shyness and fear of rejection kicking in again.
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i know a fear of rejection is strong but the fear of losing something great should be greater. Do you really want the love of your life to walk by you because you cant say hi. I know rejection stings for awhile but the way that i look at it now is that if i make a move and they say no... you are exactly at the same spot as if you didnt ask at all. Think of it as practice.
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It does no good to look back with regret on wasted years. I get caught up in that, too. Try to look forward with a positive frame of mine knowing that you CAN have the life and relationships that you want. Just recently, I sent a facebook friend request to a woman I work with that I had chatted to a few times and she seemed nice. Afterwards, I was kicking myself and thinking she was going to reject it and think I was a freak and was stalking her. But it turned out that she came by my desk the next day with a smile and commented that she added me as a facebook friend. Be Brave!
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i so hear you on much of this. feeling worthless, regretful, hopeless etc etc. the fact that you're here on ds and posting things like this are great steps. for me it helps to remember that i'm working on this to help myself. to build my social confidence and to enable myself to make and keep friends more easily. people's reactions to me as i work through this are much less important than the fact that i'm doing it. there are so many people in this world and i know i will come across many every day who won't like me, some inwardly and some who will be rude and nasty about it. but i try to remind myself that i have as much right to be happy and healthy as anyone else has. and taking the chance to get to know people will help me weed out the jerks from the ones who get me and who's company i might enjoy. anyway, sorry for the novel. i wish you well as you work through this. you can do it.
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Every since i was diagnosed with S.A.D i realized i have a big fear of rejection (abandonment) and i ended all my friendships and i avoid any situation that could set myself up for rejection. I get offended and feel abandoned by the smallest things even the people i don't know, my only way to socialize was the internet but now no matter how hard i try i cannot talk to anyone. I'm so afraid anything i say will make them reject me, and i get offended and make assumptions even if they didn't intend to hurt me. I know i have a problem and so i usually find something wrong with someone or leave them before they can leave me because i'm scared they'll reject me. I'm very insecure, and it has been controlling my life for a long time.
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