Sexual Abuse Support Group

hey...i understand that frustration. i think it would be good to write him a letter, whether u send it or not. u may actually heal a lot on your own....let the emotions (and consequential tears) flow and get all of the anger out. Let him kno how much he hurt you and broke u. it is his fault not yours!!! good luck, i'll be praying for u :)

In my opinion, such a letter should be short and to the point, ideally no more than one page, and should be divided into three topics:

1. What, specifically, this person has done to you. Mention specifics, but don't go into detail.

2. Briefly, how this has damaged you. Again, mention specifics, but don't go into detail.

3. Where do you want to go from here ?

Item #3 is probably the most important. How DO you want to proceed ? What's your purpose of the letter - Are you telling the abuser why you want them to never be a part of your life again, or are you leaving room for reconciliation, or...? By the end of the letter, it should be clear what the next step forward is.

Also, it is vitally important to be realistic about what your own expectations are of a confrontation.

All too often, we have a fantasy about how such a confrontation will turn out. We tend to think that all we have to do is confront the abuser, they'll fall on their knees and beg forgiveness, and magically all the years of pain will disapear and life will be happy ever after. I can tell you from experience, it doesn't work that way.

So, my advice is, don't put all your eggs in the basket of confrontation. Be prepared for the likelyhood that you may have to move forward on your own without ever getting any sort of acknowledgement from the abuser.

I confronted my abuser he appologised and told me he knows he did the wrong thing and that it was all his fault and not mine. He denies the abuse to anyone else i know this is out of shame who wants to admit to anything so disgusting shameful and so very wrong. So for me it is enough to have heard the words from him that he took ownership to me atleast as i was the victim at the time so i felt he only owed me an explanation. i got it and its helped me find peace it made me sad he has denied it to my mum and to my husband but i feel ok because they believed me from the moment i told them it happend. My abuser also my father had to have an operation a year ago very serious op where he may have died i wrote him a letter forgiving him yes forgiving ie letting go of my anger towards him forgiveness to me does not mean excusing behaviour or saying what some one did was ok it just means your letting go of anger and that gives you a great feeling of peace. sorry this was a big post but i really hope it helps you.

I confronted the ones who abused me in letters. The one who did the actual sexual abuse came up with all sorts of "reasons" why it was not his responsibility, which was to be expected from such a narcissistic person. The others that condoned it also shirked the responsibility for their actions and/or inaction. In the end, it is up to you to get your own closure and make it right for YOU. The reactions that we would like or that we anticipate as probabilities are not usually what we get.

I wish you hope and luck with this. Do it for YOU, NOT for any response you may or may not get.

I agree mntmamma I wanted to forgive him incase he died but not for him for me so that i could feel peace and I feel good I feel like i gave myself a real gift in letting go of my anger . Good luck lyric i hope you can find yourself a place of Peace. I think we all just want to feel at peace with ourselves writeing a letter is just another big part of healing and surviving no matter what the response we get or wether the abuser ever gets the letter. Its just a survivors right to express ones feelings. Can I suggest maybe writeing two letters one you are not going to post one thats just for you which can ramble and rant and say all the things you feel and contains all your emotions then when you have purged in a sense read through it and write that short to the point letter to the abuser. just a thought

I was never able to confront my abuser, who was my mother. By the time I was ready, she was so ill and mentally decrepit she would not have understood what I was saying. I did however, confront my father with what my mother did. I wrote a letter and my father went to therapy with me, where I read the letter. For me, it was cathartic and healing. For my father, he finally understood what was happening when we were children. He know something was going on, but not sure what it was. And my sister and I wouldn't tell him because we were too afraid of my mother. My father finally got it. That said, until the day he died he had a healthy dose of denial where my mother was concerned. He continued to blame me for many of the problems we went through, especially in my teen years when I was acting out all over the place.

This was some 15 years ago and I used a really good book as my guide for writing the letter. I so wish I could remember the name of it now. It had such helpful advice. I'll continue to hunt for it and if I find it, I'll post it here.

One thing I learned through my healing is that forgiveness should not be a priority for those of us who are recovering. I had a neighbor once, very Christian and very wise, say to me, "It's not your job to forgive. It's your job to heal. Even Jesus on the cross said "Father, forgive them." When she said that to me, it was burden lifted from my shoulders. And she was right on. It is our job to heal and overcome what happened to us. I do believe that if we forgive to early in our healing process, we rob ourselves of the chance to truly heal. It's been almost 20 years since I remembered what my mother did to me and I still haven't forgiven her. And I don't feel I need to.

Sometimes people, especially men, need to be told what to do. Saying "I feel that hearing an apology from you would help me towards healing" is an obvious (and perhaps necessary) push in the right direction.
You realize that he can interpret the letter as an invitation towards further discussions? Just being sure.
I confronted my mother face to face who admitted that the actions occured, but still denies that it was abusive (so far I've shared with 3 others, to be sure, and they all say it was abusive). In reality, I think it was just a lack of understanding boundries and not intentional abuse, but it sadly internalized as abuse and left a lack of understanding boundries as well (okay, enough about me).

I understand how you feel. For me internalizing was not enough too, I had to hear from my abuser their best understanding of what they had done. Good luck.

lyricist13:

Many "psychs" understand the importance of sending the letter if that's what the client wants to do. They also like to see that the client is firmly grounded and has a strong support system before confronting. Are you? Do you?

I confronted my mom to ask why she had not protected me. My sister and I also confronted one of the perpetrators who vehemently denied his behavior.

Though I had been in therapy for awhile and had some degree of healing, in retrospect I was not quite ready.

Questions to ask yourself are on page 159 of The Courage to Heal. Some include the following:

- What do I hope to gain from this encounter? What are my motives?

- Are my expectations realistic?

- Can I realistically imagine both the worst and the best possible outcomes? Could I live with either one?

-Have I prepared adequately?

-Am I stable and grounded enough to handle whatever reaction I get?

-Do I have a solid enough support system to back me up before, during, and afterward?

Do send the letter since you say, "it's just not good enough unless I send it," but before sending it make sure you'll be okay whatever the outcome.

xx

I have thought about the good advice here. Most of it is focus on what the out come will be, as it should. I have thought about what I'd LIKE the outcome will be, and what the LIKELY outcome will be. My strategy is to have no return address. I KNOW that my abusers will not apologize. I tested the waters, and I have come to know that they are on the "Pleasure Principle." They do not think of the harm they do. My satisfaction will come from the knowledge that I DARED to confront. AS to my so-called support system (i.e.family-excluding my children and boyfriend): My motto with them is: "If you don't expect much, then you'll never be dissappointed." (My Aunty, whom I confided in, holds this knowledge, yet has never given me any comfort.)So, my strentgh is my armor, and my knowledge is my weapon.