Sexual Abuse Support Group

It sounds like an over reaction to me. Sorry..

I disagree... it doesn't sound like an over reaction to me....he shouldn't be yelling at you and certainly shouldn't lay hands on you..."spank" you? What's up with that> Sounds totally inapproriate and not a respectful male friend

thank you sadave46, i was beginning to think i was alone on this one, it really bothers me that he would take this tone with, when he knows better...i dont know why he wanted to spank me, i dont know if he was trying to be sexual with me or what, but thats too much, thanks once again

My friends and I joke around like that, "Do I have to spank you?" and "young lady" and stuff. By his tone, was he serious or joking? If he was joking, he may have forgotten that you get scared.

This is the last post for tonight, im tired and mouthing off a little, my apologies in advance.

How should he have responded to you? I think that he was joking with you in an innappropriate way and that neither of you were saying what you meant.

Let me paraphrase this please ....

What I think each other meant:

him--do you mind waiting?
me--sort of, but I really want to feel important to you _now_
him--of course you're important
me--ok, prove it
him--do I have to prove it to you? I'll pay you extra attention ;-) (wink)
me--no, it's okay
him--then dont try to manipulate me by playing the "poor me" attitude, just say what you feel clearly, I dont like getting played

Let me know if I'm wrong, but the way I read this is that he is a good friend but he had a bit of a short temper and you touched a nerve. This could either have been because you have had a lot of self-pity recently, or because he was dealing with other people demanding of his attention; either way I think that neither of you reached out on the other person's level, but instead were thinking of yourselves.

I hope the two of you work this out ... I'm sure that you will if you want to.

the comments he made sound like he is joking around because alot of people say silly things like "young lady" and "spank you" when they are joking. If something bothers you then you should let them know. Maybe it was a misunderstanding and could be cleared up. OUr boundaries were crossed in the past and as survivors we have to be sure that people respect our boundaries now even if they think we are over-reacting.
The other thing that bothers me is you responding to someone who has to go off for a few minutes by saying "only if Im worth it". It sounds like you are talking down to your self and that you dont value yourself. Also if you keep putting yourself down around people alot this will become annoying even if it is a person who is close to you. I wanted to be friends with a girl but she was always negative and playing the pity party and I couldnt be around that anymore. Im not saying you are like this but if you have low self-worth you should try to work on that because people will not respect you unless you respect yourself.

Sonyas77 said it very well.

OF COURSE you're worth coming back to. That is a stipulation that doesn't need to be asked, or answered.

I think he could have handled it better, but I also understand where he was coming from. Talking with people who are depressed is difficult. Very difficult, even for professionals.

What I see is a guy who is trying to help but is also trying to suggest - playfully, through his choice of words - that he's at the limit of what he can help with.

My advice is, give him credit for being there in the first place, and overlook this one incident. it doesn't matter who, if anyone, was overreacting. Nobody's perfect. As a friend, this guy is a keeper.

This strikes a chord with me. I have discovered recently that I have no "filters" for my mouth. Yes, I agree that he should not have reacted with the choice of words that he used, but then again, some of us survivors tend to use choices of wording or phrases that somehow seem to "invite" this type of reaction. We have problems with our own boundaries, and then have problems with others who cross the boundaries that we have, in a sense, allowed them to cross. This is a double edged sword, and we must examine our own reactions and determine how what we say or do manage to encourage others to cross the boundaries of what tweaks our reactions.

In my honest opinion, his reaction was over the expectation of what is right, but your words were also self depreciating, which allowed him to respond in this manner. Such a twisted path we must straighten for ourselves and to guide others in how to deal with us! Nothing about recovery is easy, especially when it comes to dealing with other human beings...

I agree with Sadave46, I think it's inappropriate (the part about spanking you and yelling). Joking? probably, but some jokes are still inappropriate. I doubt he gave it much thought and sounds like he cares about you but since you are questioning this then it must really bother you. You have a right to your feelings and a right to address it with him if it happens again. I tend to chalk it up to immaturity. It's kind of like baby talk and I personally can't stand that. You could let him know you appreciate that he cares about you but how words like that make you cringe and once again that you don't like it when people yell and are sensitive to it. As a friend he needs to respect that.

i think that he was trying to sort of cheer you up by joking around but still telling you that you were worth coming back to. i dont think he was intending to make it sound inappropriate but it accidentaly came out that way. sure, most survivors might disagree with me and say that it was inappropriate but i don't think that something like that ever crossed his mind since most people around him wouldn't be affected by it as hard as we are. the guy is obviously a good friend so i think that you shouldn't hold this against him just tell him this kind of stuff makes you uncomfortable. hope i helped and best of wishes :D