Sexual Abuse Support Group

hi mush15,
my heart goes out to you, for a very long time i felt like that and i only have started to bring it in counselling. defintely not easy. what i have started to do is write down why i am worth it, that im not to blame for every little thing that goes wrong. i have thought this way a long time so i know it going to take a long time to come out of it. if you want to chat some time feel free to message. im sorry i am prob not much help but know u are not alone.
hugs to you
m

You write very well - I can visualize your pain. I see someone very intelligent and hurt. That pain can be all consuming but it won't be forever. I was just like you at one time. The pain seemed to cloud everything and I couldn't stand myself. I felt like I was constantly running to keep away from myself. The thing is that there will come a time when life does get a little easier - most likely when you become an adult and move out. Then you will be able to breathe. It was at that point that I was able to start slowly dealing with all the pain and emotions. I didn't do a very good job for a long time. Finally I got help and counseling and it improved my life vastly. Hang in there. You are worthy. You aren't to blame. And it will be better.....

Hi Mush15,

I have similar feelings, although less now. Time can do very healing things if we let it. Out in the world, I've learned that I can rely on myself, that I'm strong in difficult situations. That I have courage. And love. And I'm learning that I can reach out and receive love. And that my body isn't so bad after all. I've just got to quit abusing it myself with food and sometimes alcohol.

My heart goes out to you. Just don't forget that: Time can do very healing things if we let it.

well if you keep insulting yourself then your poor self worth is never going to get better. Only you can change that. I think this is a process that you have to work hard at and will take time. You have to gradually change the way you talk to yourself.
Alot of us feel that way. I think badly about myself but Im always trying not to be negative and instead trying to be positive. It is hard but just like anything in life if you keep working at it you will get there.
we were violated and treated like nothing but that doesnt me we are nothing. It could happen to anyone. we were just the unlucky ones. Now the abuse is continuing but instead of someone else abusing us we are abusing ourselves.
I really hope you have the strength to change your life, to see that you are special and precious and not all those awful things you think about yourself.

You are not helpless at all. Those things that you want are completely possible! You have a very negative mantra going on in your head that you can and must stop. I use to run all of those same negative thoughts through my head and it wreaked havoc on my self-confidence and my mood. My therapist calls it a "tape track" and my tape track was constantly negative until she made me come up with a completely new tape track, with only positive messages. I still revert back to that old tape track at times, but I also have a new one and that new one makes me feel great and makes me feel like that woman I've always wanted to be and am.

As survivors it's so important that we're gentle with ourselves. Often we fall into the pattern of treating ourselves the way our abusers did, but we deserve way more than that!! You deserve more and you need to give yourself more because you are worth more. Start telling yourself *I deserve love*It wasn't my fault*I'm beautiful*I love me*. You've already found that believing yourself is easy, so change those beliefs and those things you tell yourself. Even if you're not completely convinced now, you will find that you become more convinced the more you do the positive tape track.

Big hugs to you!!!!!!!!!

*hugs*
I have always felt the same way but never been able to describe it quite like you. The self hate, then hating how selfish it is to hate yourself constantly... I talk down to myself in the mirror too but it doesn't feel like I'm saying my opinion. Its fact. I also think I deserve everything bad that happens to me. If I get hurt (especially that), if we loose money, if I think back on bad memories... I always tell myself I deserve it. That I deserve worse than whatever I have had happen to me. I feel that low about myself.
I hope you feel better soon. Youre not alone hunn. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.

Mush, I have to ask you...

Not good enough? In comparison to what?
Fat? As compared to what?
Selfish? As compared to what?

All of these things are lies that the abuse taught us. Try talking to yourself and giving yourself the TRUTH about yourself! The truth is, you are NOT an animal. The truth is, YOU are SOMEBODY SPECIAL. The truth is, you are worthy of the BEST. The truth is, it is NOT your shame and guilt that you carry and punish yourself with!!! The truth is, you are a beautiful human being, unique and wonderful, good at heart, pure and guiltless in all that has happened to you. Selfish? What is selfish in desiring to be treated with a modicum at least of basic human rights? Selfish? What is wrong with loving yourself? Bad? What is so bad about you? Whatever you blame yourself for is not realistic. You are not really helpless. Maybe you were helpless to stop the SA. That is reasonable. You may feel helpless, but those of us who have survived being abused are not helpless at all. We have just been taught behavior patterns and lies that do not help us now that we are not being abused (which I honestly hope that you are not! If so, then try to get out to safety!!) Those behavior patterns helped us to survive, but do not help us much in the world we find ourselves having to live in now. Therapy is a good tool in helping us to overcome the faulty thought processes, the lies that the abuse taught us to think about ourselves by, and help us to overcome the "programming" that makes us think less of ourselves than what we truly are. Recovery is a fight. A fight to teach ourselves the things we were never taught, to reteach ourselves the things we were taught wrong, and to learn behavior patterns that are more conducive to living in the now and the "real world" versus the world of the abuser. Start telling yourself the TRUTH, and start telling yourself the POSITIVE about yourself, instead of reinforcing the negative lies that the SA instilled in you. Easier said than done, but it IS possible and you CAN recover from this, find a healing deep within you where the abuse hurt you. It will never completely go away, as every deep cut leaves a scar, but let that poison out and begin to heal, my fellow survivor. You are MORE, much MORE than what you currently think of yourself. That is obvious to me and I am sure, to others.

everyones relies really touched me close. thankyou so much. especially mtnmama62 that brought a tear to my eyes.
thankyou once again
for giving me a glimmer of hope x