Sexual Abuse Support Group

IT is not just with sexual abuse, it is very common for us to still love the person who has committed abuse. You know what, this is normal and perfectly acceptable. You can deal with the abuse as you wish as long as you do not accept the abuse.
In our family the children love 'Dad', but do not want to be around him. He, too, is going through treatment for cancer and we care more for how 'Mom' is handling things. He still treat her like trash and, while we love him, there's a limit and a confusion. I think that I can understand where you are coming from.

Most important, for the sake of your own children, you must love yourself and show them how a person treats themselves. Please, stop cutting.

I am confused how things were resolved within your family. From what you say it is obvious that it is not a secret within the family. It sounds like after that point things were left in limbo. MY heart goes out to you, and I feel so strongly that with everything that has passed you deserve an apology and an admittance of guilt from your grandfather, and I somehow believe that hearing that would be enough. Have you considered a confrontation? Asking your counsellor and father ahead of time how they feel you would fare? It's just a thought. In all fairness, with the privacy of having only your father there with you, the confession and apology is only needed for you to have peace with a man who you still love; at least you can give it a try.

Good luck, hang in there, and love yourself.

~Mickkay

No after my parents were covenced that it would be too painful on me to press charges it was just swept under the rug and after a few mhonts passed by it seams to me as every one forgot about it and moved on except for me.

I too loved my dad despite being abused by him. Hes been out of my life now for 10 years so I dont feel love towards him anymore but I cant really feel anger towards him either.
It is natural to love family even if they dont always treat you well, even if they abuse you. These are the people we have been close to since infancy. Aside from the abuse they were fun, loving, kind and so its hard to overlook these good traits and the strong bond we have with them.
I hope the therapy helps you. stay strong and dont give in to despair and dont beat up yourself for what you feel.

You aren't alone. My step-dad abused me and I never once stopped being around him. He was still very much a part of my life until he died a slow painful death. I can remember going to his funeral. I can also remember laughing through it. It might not seem normal, but we all cope somehow. It wasn't until a few years later that I came out with the truth about the abuse that it connected in my head. He died a slow painful death (and trust me it was. Cancer is nothing in comparison to his death.) and I considered it a form of justice.

I don't have any children, but I do know that when I babysit for other people, I do find myself being overly careful and watchful. I worry for them as much as I worry for me.

But we are all here for you. If you ever need to talk just find me. I'm very proud that you are managing to atleast eat something. Something is by far better than nothing. I know that I go days without eating as well. But try hard. A suggestion, when you feed your girls, sit down and eat with them. Eat what they eat. It will be a way to make sure you are eating, as well as a great way to share something with them.

I'm glad you are starting counseling. Take a deep breath, know you are doing your best, and reach out to your husband as well. We can help you by talking to you. He can help you in much more practical ways.

*HUG* You're strong. You can survive this as well.

I know you pain and it is normal to still love the one who abused you. It takes time to process the pain and unnecessary guilt we place upon ourselves. I forgave my brother for what he did to me at age 4-6. I thought I had moved past it. we developed a healthy relationship in our adult lives just a few years back but then i got triggered from a relative who brought all the shame and guilt back. It's a very twisted story. It destroyed everthing i worked so hard to fix. Some things are just meant to be left alone. Our minds can't handle the emotional pain. I've had severe depression on and off from this episode for 3 years now. I tried talking to a counselor about it but it didn't get truly resolved in my mind. Guilt and shame can rob us of sleep, love, sanity. Acceptance is a big key in all this. It happened! now we have to learn coping skills. It never goes away. We can let it haunt us or we can be the masters of it. we have to constantly redirect our energy and focus on positive and let out all our negative through journaling, exercise, hobbies. Go confront your grandfather. let him own this guilt. You've owned it for too too long! Screw what your parents or family think about it. It's not yours to own. We convinced ourselves that it was ours to carry. love yourself as God loves you. I know how hard it is to do that. My brother who is 9 years older than me did apologize to me after i wrote him a letter 10 years ago. It took him 6 weeks to get up the courage and call me. I remember him saying I'm sorry if I screwed you life up. Even then, I tried to make him feel better by saying at least it wasn't my Dad. That would have been worse for me! WTF! why do we want to make them feel better for something they did? human nature i guess to love and nurture others - even the ones who betray us whether it's done out of violence or experimentation from hormones or dirty old men! I think it's more about the manipulation and control used to get something that will be gratifying for them that screws with our heads so much. It's a form of being brain washed and screws up our ability to differentiate between love and sex. I've been up and down with my weight too. I"ve lost 30 pounds in one month on several occasions. I fantasized about the cutting before but never carried it out. I punish myself by letting all the toxins from the stress, guilt and shame fester in my blood with no relief for months at a time. What agony! the answer to all of this for us who go thru this pain is loving ourselves and holding on to the present moment and know that we will become the victors and not remain victims from our self-inflicting repeated patterns of hating ourselves for something that someone did to us! Our society has taught us that women are to blame. My mom blamed me for it happening. That was her first reaction. "How could you let this happen. You should have known better. Please! That is bulls***! I was 6 when I told. He was 15. Then when I almost got raped in a cornfield from some neighbors, that was my fault too. Hell, even when I got bit from the neighbor's dog, that was my fault too. I almost got whipped for letting a dog bite me. Yeah, pretty screwed up thinking huh! We are taught to believe that it is our fault! well guess, what? IT"S NOT! IT'S NOT OUR FAULTS! and when we carry this anger inside of us it turns into helplessness and victimization. We victimize our selves everyday from all those negative reactions we chose to believe were valid. The only thing valid is that men are horny bastards who use us to get their rocks off! and yes, it's gonna screw up our sex lives! until... we get in control of our emotions.

Thanks everyone your comments realy have helped!

I so get where your coming from here, my Dad was my abuser and he died in april of this year and it was so hard to deal with the fact i still loved him after he sexually abuse and hurt us. {My sister's & brother's}

I had'nt seen my Dad for 20 yrs and when i went to see him in nov last yr i thought that we could sort stuff out and have a father/daughter relationship but there was so much that needed sorting.

When he died i was so angry with my self that i had wasted so much of my life and time hating him and that it prevented me from seeing him but i also needed that time too.

I also blamed jesus for taking him away from me but i now believe that jesus took him cos he was protected me from something, i dont know what but probably would have done me more harm than good.

I don't under stand why now even with the meds I just can't handdle the simple every day dutys with out losing it and wonting to cut (self injur) it is soo hard just don't know what to do anymore.

Mayb you should check out the self injury board on here?

I have many tines I am usualy on the self injury form daily it took me some time to be able to even read the post on this one and over a mount to be able to place my post on here I gess you could say because thease post hit the root of the self injury it makes it so much harder because at age 13 my self injury started just after and because of my sexual abuse by my grandfather so being on here is much more dificult than being on the self injury form but it has brout a lot of understanding that alot of the problums I am going trougt today at almost 31 are a result of what happend from the time I was 8-13 and that I am not alone because I gess you could say I tried to sweap it under the rug along with the reast of the family as if it were somthing of the past when I turned 20 and keep it there for almost 11 years but now that I am a mom of 2 girls and they are growing up one 7 and the other almost 5 I find my past realy hitting me bad and until I made my way on to this form I never realy conected the 2 and living next door to my mom who trys to still treat me as a teen at my age I am finding myself soooo overe petective of my girls looking that my oldest started school last year and my baby will be starting next year (I didn't even seand eather of them to pre k because I just could not let go) and of course I have to send them to school my best friend had just mentuned last night home school but I told her at some point I have to let go a little or ealse my past is going to realy have a social effect on the girls and as they turn into adults thay are going to have worst problums than I have now with my mom and they are going to hate me for that as I love my mom very much but when I got this apointment last week I could not face my mom with the hole news of the self injury and seinng a psyciatrist my self I had to have my fatherinlaw and a mutual friend from curch to tell her because she was complaning so about me spending the week with my best friend last week They had to nicely tell here why and that I was an adult now and she needed to back off a little but I could not do it myself and I don't won't to see my girls have to go trough that so yes I am on the self injury form daily but I realize for my girls I have to now face not only the self injury but also the sexual abuse and stop hiding it under the rug as thout it never happened so i can only make it on this form on a fairly good day thanks and any one else that has been sexualy abused by a close family member and you are willing to share your comments or storys please do thanks to all of you that have they have realy helped so far.