Sexual Abuse Support Group

What did she reveal? Was it specific where there is no room for misunderstanding? Why do you say..."likely"? You mention that you acted on it...does that mean you reported it to social services and/or police? Apparently they're not sure because if they were they wouldn't allow him access. Still it's got to be very frightening to you...thinking your 5 yr old daughter is alone with a molester and for now anyway there's nothing you can do about it.

Children keep the secret for many reasons...sometimes because they are threatened but it could be as simple as not wanting to get her father in trouble. Kids are very protective of their parents even when they are being hurt by them. It may be she stopped talking because of the reaction she saw in you when she did talk about it and from what happened afterwards. So she doesn't want to get her dad in trouble and doesn't want to upset you. Young kids are very ego centric and are quick to feel they are to blame for whatever happens. Chances are she knows it's not right....at her age she doesn't really comprehend why it isn't but knows somethings wrong based on the reaction of the adults when she did talk about it. I would suggest having her see a therapist that specializes in children...chances are there is a school psychologist or counselor at her school who might be able to help. Do whatever you need to do to make sure she is safe...but don't try to force her to talk to you about it

Dear zippid,

Here's what I can tell you...

I do not know when the molest started - with my first or second stepfather. But I know that my mother was my ground. She was the one thing in life that gave me something to stand on.

I also knew that she, too, was vulnerable. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I wanted to make her life better. Always.

I protected my mother from so much. (I thought.) I kept her from letting her know that I was sad or bad or whatever so that it wouldn't add to her pain. She was always so sad. I mean, well, she always had a happy/numb face, but I could sense her sadness beneath it.

And, anyway, my second stepdad beat her all the time. And he told us that he'd kill us. And what could I do but believe it and suck it up (yes, and I'm truly sorry about your daughter, but I want to type that graphical bit because it's REAL) to protect my mother?

Mom was my world, and everything for me to keep safe. My world got a lot bigger when my little brother came into the picture. You're daughter is in the CIA. Protecting you.

It sounds like your ex is intelligent enough to be manipulative. I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

There is solid advice in listening to her and keeping written notes of anything that you feel is not in the normal character of a five year old.

Threats are very likely; however if you suggest things to your daughter, even if they are really happening, it can later be twisted by a lawyer as you having placed the thoughts into your daughter's head.

The most important thing is to try to keep her with people who demonstrate proper behaviour. As she develops, perhaps by age 9-14 she will be able to verbalize what is wrong. By that time your ex will have to change from threats to using bribes (I would think).

I said nothing about my abuse because I loved my abuser and they were the only primary caregiver teaching me right from wrong. Hearing a voice stand up for what is true could have made a difference. Even as an adult I had to check my perception with my suster before agreeing (with myself) that I was correct to call it abuse.

My sister never told on her abuser because of fear:
1) physical
2) financial / family stability
She only spoke openly after turning 40, an even then only answered my mother's direct questions without offering additional information.

On the bright side, when we were ready to discuss our abuse we were able to heal much faster because we knew that we had each other's support. Your daughter will heal much better because she knows that you will be there when she is ready.

By the way, I think that this group could be helpful for you:

http://www.dailystrength.org/group...

Hi
Im so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through and its great you are trying to understand what she is going through.
Im sorry if your ex has used threats against you and all you can do is reassure her.
Not all abuse is the same. Reasons the victim is afraid to speak out about the abuse can include:
-threats made against them or loved ones
-shifting the blame on to the victim so they feel they are responsible for their own abuse
-we may also be in denial or shock and so unable to speak out about it
- it can be confusing especially if it is a parent. we feel the abuse is wrong but we respect the persons authority and they may tell us to keep it secret
- abuse is very humiliating and embarrassing to talk about
-a very young child may not know it is wrong and so wont say anything

When do you realise it is wrong?
Even if there is no pain involved even very young children may feel the abuse is wrong. I wasnt told to keep it a secret but from age 10/11 when it started I felt it was wrong. I didnt like it. It was uncomfortable, icky, nauseating, confusing etc even if it wasnt painful. My dad did stuff to me in secret so maybe that is also how I knew that this behaviour wasnt socially acceptable.

As to repressing the memory, this is the brains way of coping with an experience so traumatic that the mind cant deal with it.

Abuse is very hard to talk about. Many people may take many years, if ever, to tell someone about the abuse. We feel so much shame and it can be hard to even speak aloud and acknowledge ourselves what has happened. You are her mum and very close to her and for her to talk to strangers about it must be really hard.
There are people who have been in therapy for many years before they can even get the words out that they have been abused.
Your support is very valuable to your daughter and all you can do is be there for her if she needs to talk to you. Try to be gentle and not put too much pressure on her to talk.

Sadave46----I say likely because she has told me! She would say daddy touched my gina....poked me with a sword ...later she told me the sword was his finger. I've reported it to all the authorities several times....investigations were brought but not enough evidence. I even witnessed my ex removing a computer from his work place on the same day the FBI did a kitty porn sting--- yea I reported that to the FBI too. Nobody cares.... they don't believe me....my daughter has nightmares, clingly behavior when she know's a visit with her dad is coming. She's told her preschool teacher last year "my daddy tells me to be mute", she's molested her autistic brother...giving him an erection. I hightly doubt that just happens... She in counseling but the counselors drop her because they don't what to go to court. My lawyer want 100K just to go after him. I don't have it. She's in with yet another counselor because I believe her and I won't give up. I can't prove it because only her grandma and myself hear her statements and witness her behavior...so social worker, case worker will come in the house and observe the very distinct behavior shift. She talks to her counselor and changes the subject every time they bring up her father. She is saying less now but is terrified I'm going to die or disappear ...to the point that if I go to the basement to fold laundry and she doesn't know she gets hysterical. All I can do is help her survive. Because to the courts I'm a vindictive ex wife trying to hurt my ex....they don't even research the fact that that doesn't hold water ...b/c I delayed our divorce for a year trying to help him be some kind of father to his children...offering 50% custody....of course this was before my daughter started to talk. It's all in our divorce paper work. MY ex is brilliant and well studied on anything he does. I'm beside myself because something is clearly wrong with my little girl.

ment to say so the social worker "WONT" come in to the house and observe

In my experience, I kept my secret from my parents because I felt like telling them was acknowledging that it was really happening. Also, I did not know if they were going to believe me. As far as not telling other people; when I was growing up I felt that if other people knew, then they would think that I was some kind of freak and that I wouldn't fit in. Growing up is a complicated thing in life anyway, just try to imagine how hard it is for her and try to be understanding. When she is ready she will talk.

I know that this is off of the subject of what your questions asked...but I would like to give you a little advice. I think it is great that you are her rock. Please do everything that you can in your power to continue to protect her and support her. She is going to need you every step of the way. My father was always traveling so he wasn't around and my mother did not protect me, she took my brother's side in everything. Looking back now, I am having as hard of a time dealing with the abuse, as I am when it comes to dealing with the fact that my mother left me out in the dark to rot(so to speak). We now have absolutely no relationship and I'm her only daughter. Your daughter is truely fortunate to have your love and support. As hard as it might be to put aside your feelings that you are losing her battle, just know that you are fighting right beside her and that is the best possible thing that you can do to make this trama easier to deal with.

When she has come to terms with herself and what happened, it will be a long road. But it will be the road to peace.

I can't really answer your questions very well, as my parents found out my brother was molesting me when I was 4, and I was punished for it while he was not. That was what told me what he was doing was wrong, that it was all my fault and that I needed to keep quiet about it or I would get in trouble. Kind of a different scenario that what you have with your daughter.

There was a post here for Raiin.org, an organization that helps sexual abuse and rape victims. It's free, it's online, and it is a resource that might be able to give you some kind of information or advice on how to go about keeping your little girl safe. It always helps to have options and information!

The number 1 & 2 fears I had about telling was fear of not being believed and fear of punishment.....

Maybe you could put up a nanny-cam type of thing in a few rooms of your home. That way, you can catch what your daughter does and says on tape, but she won't be intimidated by the camera since she won't know it's there.