What is Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Differ...
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Flashbacks affecting current relationship
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Hi, I don't really know where to start...so here goes. As a child for years I was sexually harrassed and my life was threatened by a family member of the opposite sex. My mother swept it under the rug like nothing was going on and blamed me for everything, sometimes even locking me out of the house.
Then the kicker came when I was sexually assaulted by a family member of the same sex, this has been very hard to deal with because I felt like a lesbian...however, I have no desire at all for women. For the first time in my life I am free of my family because I have moved out on my own with my boyfriend. What should be a wonderful life experience is quickly becoming one of the most challenging times in my life. My partner is a wonderful individual however he does not seem to understand why our sex life is not perfect. I was sexually assaulted in a bedroom setting. Sometimes when I am not fully cognitive and he tries to attempt to arouse me, I slip into flashbacks. All I can do is prentend to be asleep (this is how I dealt with the issue when I was being sexually assaulted), to me I guess it is a survial instinct that I have acquired. I have addressed the issue with him on several occasions. Things get better and he leaves me alone while I'm asleep for a couple weeks. However, he always seems to forget our conversations and reverts back to his old ways. I am at a loss about what to do, seeing as it just keeps getting worse. This morning he had me pinned to the bed by the time I woke up...I went into a screaming rage, because I was not awake enough to distinguish that it was him and not my past. Posted on 11/03/09, 04:11 pm |
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I'm by far not an expert. Although, I do have minimal experience with what you are talking about. I can remember with my ex when he wanted to do something, it was often hard for him to understand that it could cause me to slip into flashbacks. We would talk about it and he would be aware for a short time, then he would forget and it would start all over. And I just continueally felt worse adn worse about it.
I broke it off with him. It wasn't easy, I truely loved him. But it just didn't work for me. I'm not telling you to do that with him, but what I'm trying to say is if you want it to work between the two of you, you are going to have to work exceptionally hard at it. I don't know what its going to take for it to work, but maybe try talking ot him about it sometime when its not an immediate issue. Ask him what would him be able to remember that sensitivity that you need. Discuss a plan to help make it work. Anyway it works... I'm here for you. 
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Hi
I know it must be hard for your bf not to have his sexual needs met but he needs to respect your wishes otherwise what he is doing is sexual abuse too. You say you have spoken to him so what he is doing is intentional and really wrong. You need your partner to be understanding and patient and for you to set the pace other wise you are going to be put off more by sex. Pressure makes it worse. IF he really loves and cares for you, he will do what is right. Its great that you have cut your abusive family out of your life and distanced yourself but it isnt good that you have moved into another abusive situation and it is abuse. It is common for abuse victims to be revictimised and I believe that is what is happening here. Everyone in a relationship has the right to say no to what makes them feel uncomfortable and the partner should respect that. If he cant change his ways then I would suggest you leave him. I know we all want love and someone special in our life but there are people out there who will treat you right. On this site Ive heard stories about people who have gotten in to abusive relationships where the partner doesnt respect the sexual boundaries and Ive heard good stories about survivors who have found partners who respect them and are gentle with them.
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I feel your pain!! I was sexually abused by my grandfather (we lived with) and I have always had issues when it comes to sex, however, after my 2nd marriage, 4yrs ago, I started having terrible night terrors where I would wake up screaming or my husband would find me hiding in a corner or in a closet and I did not even know I was doing it. I have had therapy but it seems like the only thing that has made a difference is time and the understanding of my husband. Keep talking to your boyfriend about how you feel hopefully he will come around.....it's a long process.
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Can I ask some questions? What do you want? Are you satisfied sexually? Have you made peace with your falling asleep or is this something you want to/are working to change? Yes, as your partner he should be respectful to you and your past, but it is hard for many people who have not been through what we have to understand the trama and the years that it stays with us. How do you feel about your falling asleep? If you want to change this could be a great chance for you and your boyfriend to work through some of your issues and get through this together. If YOU want to fix this (for you, not for him) then maybe you can do it together and find different places that satisfy you both.
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Thanks to everyone who replied...it really helped hearing the different oppinions. To answer your questions:
No, I am not sexually satisfied, I never have been. To me sex is ugly. Falling asleep has been better for me since moving out. For the first time in my life I can fall asleep without being in a defensive position. Which would include lying on my stomach and placing my arms underneath of my stomach while protecting my "area".
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It's going to take some time for you to get through these feelings. Be patient with yourself and don't feel guilty for your boyfriend's wants. You come first! Take care of you first! Don't let guilt rule your decisions. If he can't understand and be patient, then you must do what's right for you. Be brave as much as you can and I will pray for you to get thru all of this! You are so worth it. Big hug for you!
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Sex does seem ugly at times....after 4 yrs of marriage sometimes it still does...not his fault but mine. I feel guilty sometimes about things sexually.....I don't know if this is normal or not but it's how I feel....I hope you can talk to your partner.....
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I have been in a very similar situation before. For me, it was incredibly frustrating at first and then it became raw rage. I could not understand why my ex continued to do what I had asked him not to do. He would say things like "oh, I forgot". Yet, it wasn't at all that he forgot. It was that he didn't know enough about sexual abuse to take it seriously and that he also placed more importance on his feelings. I don't know what specifically is going on in your situation, but he needs to cut it out immediately.
Do you have a therapist? Your therapist would probably be willing to have you and your boyfriend go in to talk. I pulled out my Courage to Heal book and read it out loud to my ex. That really helped him start to realize how serious everything was.
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