What is Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Differ...
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I have always had a very difficult time saying anything sexual in nature. I mean whenever a topic like that is brought up wether too me or around me, my mind freezes and words just cant seem to escape my throat. Its not that i'm shy, because i'm not. Its just like its physically almost impossible for me to speak on the subject. Even in high school, again not shy, i never had a girl friend. Instead i was a friend to almost every girl on campus. I was the one that they came to for advice when other guys were treating them like crap. All the while that i was trying to help, in my mind i would be screaming, "i would not treat you like that"! But i couldnt say anything like that. Never. The other thing is, is sometimes the other guys would start talking about... when they were "with" someone, and the question of "are you a virgin" would come up. I would get that deer in the headlights look, and they would all assume that it ment that i was and that i was ashamed of that. The truth was that I was no longer a virgin willingly and thats what i was ashamed of. I let every one believe that i was, because thats what i wanted everyone to think.
My therapist wants me to try and talk on the subject next session. Dont get me wrong, she isnt demanding anything from me. She has always let me say what i want when i'm ready. The thing is...is that i almost feel like if i dont try then i never will. I feel very imature and stupid for not being able to speak about this. Its even very difficult for me not to just delet this whole thing, close my eyes, and pretend like there is nothing wrong. There is something wrong, and i just dont know how to push through it. I dont know if i will actually say anything to my therapist, and if i do... will it be truthfull? I hate liying, but this subject makes my gut twist in knots. My mind tells me what i think people want to hear. It is sometimes hard to dissern the differance between what i really feel and what i think people expect me to feel. I just need some advice. Thanks. Posted on 11/02/09, 09:11 am |
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you need to talk about it, not keep it bottle up inside. it takes a lot of courage. I remember i would get choked up whenever i wanted to talk about my abuse to my mom and dad who had shoved it under the rug because it brought the family so much shame. I finally spitted it out in anger at age 15. I had kept it bottled up every single day for 9 years. I've been writing out my feelings in here for a few days now and reading other's journal entries. It's very therapeutic and safe in here. I'm now 41 years old and thought i had all the childhood stuff behind me but it stays with you. It's a long tedious process to sort out the guilt and shame of it all. I was made to feel that it was all my fault when i told my mom that my brother had been doing sexual things with me for 2 years. I was six years old when i spoke out. they didn't get me help and didn't want to ever talk about it. I finally lashed out at age 15, ended up leaving home and moving to another country at age 16. But I could never run or hide from myself. We have to face who we are and how we have dealt with our past. Most importantly, we have to know it was not our faults and learn how to love ourselves. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I have another guy friend who suffered from anxiety and depression caused from his mom sexually abusing him as a child. It screws our mental well being up because it is such a violation on so many levels. We can't please other people to make ourselves feel better. I've done that a lot in my life. It's a hard habit to break. I'm getting to the point now where I can't afford to care too much about other people's problems, even though i do really care about people because i don't want them to suffer the way i have. we have to set boundaries, know when we can help and know when to walk away. hope this helps a little. 
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