Sexual Abuse Support Group

if he truly loves you it wouldn't matter you are special and remember the past doesn't define who you are, if he leaves u because of what happened to you then he doesn't deserve to be married to you, he isn't much of a man if that happens , people who love each other are there for each other thru everything, and u will notice in you vows thru sickness and health till death do us part.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.
When you say he knows of the abuse do you mean he knows it is sexual abuse or just some type of abuse you suffered?
If he hasnt questioned you further and is satisfied with the knowledge he has then you are not being dishonest with him.
In my past relationships I felt that I needed to tell my partners everything because I felt they had a right to know and I wanted to know if they accepted me. That is your choice.
I think in future it will be necessary to disclose more details to help your husband understand some issues you may have eg. sexual issues or issues with sleeping in the same bed or whatever. Like you say some things will trigger and if you react badly to a comment or action you may have to explain to him that the strong reaction is due to your past abuse. As an example some people say they cant have sex in certain positions as these are triggering.
We all deserve love and relationships but because of the abuse we do need special care and we need to be sure our partner is tolerant of that.
If this man is really right for you he must be willing to support you, must be patient, tolerant, respectful and understanding. He must be willing to give you a shoulder to cry on, to be a good listener, to respect your boundaries and needs. He cant be the type to pressure you to do things you are not comfortable with. He must be willing to stand by your side during your healing journey.
I think its important for partners to understand sexual abuse and the issues we have. Perhaps you can go for pre-marital couple counselling. The book, The courage to heal, would be good for him and he could come on this site and read through posts or direct him to sexual abuse websites that explain things.
I think if you are already stressing and you are not living together or being intimate, I fear that the stress will increase when you are together.
I think it is important for us to have regular therapy or other outlets for our venting or questions. Its good to have a supportive partner, friends and family but if we have lots of problems and keep burdening one person then this may be hard for them to cope with.
Whatever happens, you must stay strong. You must love yourself, respect yourself and try to heal from the past and dont settle for less. Ive been in bad relationships, largely due to my emotional issues and I think it is better to be single than to be in a relationship that is making you feel worse and not helping you heal.
I wish you all the best. try not to stress too much. I think only the test of time will tell you if your partner is right for you so try to just enjoy the present and take things as they come.

From all that you had said about this man and the experiences you have had with him tells me that whatever you tell him will make no difference in his love for you. I suspect his compassion knows no boundaries. True intimacy is letting him see who you are without fear of judgment and condemnation, and you seeing who he is without judgment and condemnation. I recommend that you tell him what your heart desires, not your mind. Have no fear, dear friend, this man loves you and will continue to love you, just as you are in any given moment. Trust the love you two have grown in.

I feel your concerns but I must tell you that telling my husband (of 4 yrs now) was one of the best things I ever did. He is so understanding and accepting. I told him before we got married but shortly after the marriage I had terrible night terrors and other issues and he was always there to help. My best advice is to just be honest and if your future spouse really loves you they will help you threw it! Good Luck!

Thank you all for your responses. I am really stressing out and worried about this. I keep trying to talk to him, but I just can't get it out. I start and then I freeze and can't say anything. I feel like there's a clamp on my voice box or something. The words get stuck in my throat. I feel like he is getting frustrated. I'm sure he wonders why I can tell my therapist but I can't tell him. I told him that it took me 2 years to actually tell my therapist any details. Yesterday night we started to talk about it and of course I got stuck. He kept saying "honey, it's me." I don't think he understands what I mean when I tell him that I get "stuck." I know that he loves me. He has been so loving and kind to me. I just can't get it out. I don't know if I can tell him the horrific experiences I had. It's taken me a long time just to be able to be intimate with him and not zone out. I'm afraid that if I tell him it will unleash terrors in me and make him think about it when he is intimate with me. I have a really hard time separating the "act" from the "abuse." Sex is sex. How do you flip a switch and then it's ok? Maybe I'm just flipping out because we are so close to the wedding? Maybe he is pushing more for the same reason? I don't know how to tell him, and I'm mortified to tell him at the same time.

Congrats on your up coming wedding! I hope it is an amazing day!

When my husband and I got married he knew I had been sexually abused by my father, and he knew I was seeing a therapist to help in the healing journey. yet my husband had no clue about the details. I did tell him some things like he had to been clean shaven, and he could not kiss me if he had a beer to drink etc. However he never fully knew why. I also was really good at just finding a way to keep him happy sexually and shutting down emotionally for me.

A year ago my therapist knowing only some of the details of the things my father did asked me to tell my husband every detail I could remember. This was also her way of getting me to finally tell her everything. I knew I would not be able to verbalize every thing to my husband so instead I chose to write him 7 letters about 6-8 pages in length, with the details of what my dad did. My husband got a letter a day. That way he could read them and I did not have to necessarily be there. I was not sure I could cope with that. However the last and final letter after feeling very much so as though Jesus was asking me to face my anxiety over telling my husband, I chose to read the last letter to him. It was an important day in both of our lives. My husband finally saw the weak, vulnerable, hurting little girl side of me, and I got to be held by my husband who "said that knowing what was done to me did make him love me even less, it made him love me more." He spent the morning holding me on the couch telling me over and over again that his love for me had not, and would not change.

Telling my husband felt as though the world was ending and i was not sure I would survive remembering or speaking out loud the truth of what happened. However a year later, I am still here. My husband still stands beside me, and his compassion and understanding has grown leaps and bounds. He is now more fully able to understand why certain smell, touch, sounds, positions trigger me and he is way more willing to shave, not put his full weight on me, move slowly etc, to help with not triggering me. And now when a trigger throws me into freakout mode he is more ready to stop whatever he needs and just hold me and talk me through it and if we go back to having sex we do, and if I just need to be held until I fall asleep in the arms of someone safe he does that too!

We still have many areas to work through yet, however I know we have both grown as a result of my finally telling him everything, and if he truly loves you no matter what, he will walk through the darkest of valleys with you. Remember though you only have to tell him what you want to tell him, or what you feel is important to tell him!

Hugs, Leanne

As everyone else has said, Congrats on your upcoming wedding!

I have spent a lot of time with all my abuse locked away in my mind, and have never spoken about it to anyone. It wasn't until a few months ago when I realized that my husband really does need to know at least some things. There are certain intimate positions that cause triggers for me, and for years I was letting him do them anyway, and never explaining why I was crying or shaking or scared...

A really good friend of mine from here on DS helped me to understand what things my husband should know and what he doesn't need to know.

He should know anything that is going to cause triggers for you. You shouldn't put yourself in an unhappy situation just for the sake of keeping secrets from him. But as far as the really bad details, I decided that my husband didn't need to know them. It's not keeping a secret, as someone else said, if he is satisfied with the information that he's been given. i also figured it would just cause him undue anger and make him upset over something he doesn't have control over.

But, the things that I have discussed with him, I wrote to him in letters. I can't actually verbalize the things I went thru, but I can write them down quite easily. So, I wrote him a very long and heartfelt letter, explaining the reasons for some of my actions, and I asked him to write back to me. I explained that it's not something I can talk about out loud, and so writing would be the best thing for me.

It worked really well for us. I got the message across to him, without having to put myself in too uncomfortable of a situation.

Big hugs

interesting...i didn't read leanne's response before i wrote mine...our methods of telling our husbands sound very similar. Except i never had the courage to read aloud to him...

Congratulatons on your upcomming marriage!!

I think that most men value actions greater than words. Warning him what you might do that will seem strange should be the minimum that he will need to know in order to deal with your abuse symptoms himself. The more he knows the more you will truly be partners, so I encourage you to build up the strength to share everything.

Good luck

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
Believe me, I COMPLETELY understand what you're going through. I'm not even in a relationship right now but I worry about having to talk about this to my future husband someday ALL the time.
I think the best way to handle it (and the way I plan to when the time comes) is to just tell him exactly what you're feeling. Tell him about the abuse. (Remember that every single detail isn't always necessary). Tell him about your fear of freezing up, about how certain smells and sounds can set you off. Tell him that. If he truly loves you then he WILL understand.
I'm so happy for you! You deserve a wonderful, happy, intimate marriage: in AND out of the bedroom.
You're in my prayers, friend and I'm always here whenever you need someone to talk to.
BIG hug and lots of love.