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Advice:
I sexually abused my sister
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I sexual abused my sister. I don't want to go into detail, but I was 10 and my sister was 8 and i went to juvi because of it, but it wasn't just sexual it was physical too. She told our mother what i was doing to her after I broke her arm one day. I just got out of juvi like 5 months ago.I am 17 now. She is 15. I do understand why she hates me. But i just wish i could be the big brother that i am suppose to be. I know I ruined it, and i know everyone on here is probably going to hate me but....

My sister told me about this site because she said it would help, but other then that we barley even talk to each other, and here is my problem.
I live in the ghetto with my father, and i really don't like it here. Everyone calls me a molester, and spray paint Rapist and other things on my house. I know what I did was wrong but i was 10! and I don't need a reminder of it everyday! and I asked if i could stay with my mother and sister(The one I abused) and my mother said it was up to my sister and she said no, because my sister is afraid of me.

I just wanted to know, what should i do to get a better relationship with my sister? and is there a better way to say sorry?
Posted on 05/27/10, 01:32 am
31 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Advice
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 05/27/10  6:37am
" Unlike other responses you might get here I am no going to condemn you. You alreay know yourself what you did was wrong and have paid the price for what you did in juvi.

I know what its like to be seen as a child molested. I did not carry out any actions but the reading of child pornographic material saw me lose everything; my marriage,my career as a teacher which i had wanted since the age of 4, the respect of the community, and now I am finding it difficult because I have an adult criminal record.

Unfortunately I am going to use something I have heard on Dr Phil to explain what I think you need to do in relation to building a rapport witwith your sister. You really have no right for her to ever like or trust you again. You know you hurt her beyond repair and its might just be possible that your sibling relationship can never be restored. However, you might try writing her a letter of apology, buying her presents that might just be thrown back in your face, doing tasks for her (driving her to school) helping with homework, protecting her from boys who are jerks. But just remember you might do all of these things but you still have no right to expect a relationship from her. I guess you would do these things in the hope that one day she will but ultimately she needs to make the decision as to whether that rapport between her and her brother is ever restored and not you.

Im keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hope one day your relationship with your younger sister can b restored, "
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Reply #2 - 05/27/10  9:04am
" You need to think of what she needs. Many victims of abuse do not want any contact with those that abused them, this may or may not be the case for your sister. If it is, and if you do care for her, put her needs first. If she does not want you in her life, allow her that space so she can move on. Find out from her what she needs and support her, even if by supporting her it means staying away from her. She has a long road ahead of her, you need to step up and do what's right by her. "
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Reply #3 - 05/27/10  10:59pm
" !0 or not... sexually abusing and physically abusing to the point of breaking her arm is pretty extreme behavior and traumatizing for an 8 yr old. Her anger and fear of you is understandable and justified. While you admit it was wrong, I'm not hearing that you fully comprehend her feelings and are taking full responsibility for the trauma you caused her. Maybe you do but it isn't reflected here...you talk about not liking your current living conditions as what is motivating you....I can understand as it does sound bad but would have liked to get more of a sense you really grasp the situation between you and your sister especially understanding why she is still afraid of you..

I dk what was going on with you at 10 that would lead you to do those things to your sister but it is frightening behavior. You mentioned that you spent time in juvi but how much counseling and therapy did you receive? Do you really understand what drove your behavior back then? Do you feel genuine remorse and fully accept responsibility for your actions? If your sister is still saying she's afraid of you, then she probably is....it may be that she doesn't yet "feel" the issues that drove your doing those things to her has been fully resolved. She's still picking up something in you that leads her to believe you could hurt her again If the issues have been resolved...then somehow it needs to be demonstrated to your sister to where she "feels" safe with you.

What have you done to show her you truly understand the harm and trauma you caused her, feel genuine remorse and take full responsibility? Chances are she will continue to be afraid until she hears, believes and feels these things are true. I dk but if she can accept you have genuine remorse, she might begin to lose her fear and be accepting of your coming home. If she senses your frustrated and angry because won't come around, then she probably won't. It's your job to help her feel safe and as hard as it is until then you must respect her feelings and let her know your respect her feelings. It might also help if you get into counseling and at some point your sister can be brought in so that the therapist can help her to see you really have changed, have remorse and understand why she still might be afraid but that she would be safe if you came home.

These probably weren't the things you wanted to hear but in the end it all comes down to your having changed...meaning you understand what caused your behavior at 10 and you've dealt with and resolved those issues and your being able to demonstrate the change to your sister. And if she never comes around, you need to just accept it with maturity and respect her position.....she's under no obligation to forgive you. If she does, it's a gift to you. Good luck ...if you've truly changed, I hope you're able to reconcile with your sister. "
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Reply #4 - 05/27/10  11:56pm
" Who taught you to be like that at 10??

Not that is an excuse and i agree with Dave, she has no obligation to forgive you.............and i'm not excusing your behaviour but something must have been happening to you too for you to be an abuser at 10....

Maybe you can work on your abuse issues, or what caused you to b like that.Before any real healing can happen..............After that you can change, but she has no obligation to ever forgive you regardless.......

You still young you can still change. "
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Reply #5 - 05/28/10  4:49pm
" Pimpz, for a 10 year old to think like that, you must have really been messed up. I'm sure you need help, but not from us. This is a support group for the victims, and some people on here are already talking about leaving if abusers are allowed on here, because they are scared. Please get therapy and find a support group for your circumstance.

My own older brother was 9 when he started to abuse me. I was 5. I know he was physically abused by our father, and I have always placed the blame on the adults, but that is an attitude my therapists never approved of, and while I was undergoing therapy I did not want any contact with him, although we resumed speaking after I completed therapy. Give her space and time and she might decide to have a relationship with you, but let her decide whether to contact you.

In other support groups I have been in for victims of sexual abuse and rape, they didn't allow men at all, even if they were victims themselves. There was a time when I couldn't be in a room full of men because I would have a panic attack. I remember those days vividly and there are probably other people on here who are going through that stage right now. "
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Reply #6 - 05/29/10  9:19am
" Hi,
While I dont want you being on here upsetting or triggering survivors, I for one am proud of your courage in coming here. You clearly have remorse for what you have done and want to make amends.
You sound like you carry alot of guilt and are trying to do the right thing now.
I agree with the others that for you to sexually and physically abuse your sister than something must have been wrong in your life. this indicates to me that you were hurting yourself. Had someone abused you in some form and were you re-enacting that abuse on your sister or taking out your anger on her. Was the physically violence a way to intimidate her so she wouldnt tell about the sexual abuse?
I hate abuse but I am more understanding towards young children who have abused because they dont exactly fully know what they are doing. 10 is quite young.
You obviously regret the past and that is great. Unfortunately, you may never have a relationship with your sister again. You violated her and abused her in a terrible way that will scar her for life. She is going to suffer always because of what her brother did to her.
If you love her you must do what is right for her and if that is to stay out of her life and not contact her then you should do that.
Perhaps write her a letter saying how sorry you are and how you feel awful. Tell her you are a different person now and hope one day you can rebuild a relationship with her. Tell her that the choice is hers and you will do whatever she wants from you such as no contact or counselling with her..whatever she wants.
Unfortunately what you did cannot be undone and you may have lost your sister over that. All you can do now is keep doing the right thing and move on with your life. Learn from your mistakes and dont repeat them. I think maybe you have issues of your own you need to work through and should maybe consider counselling for yourself. "
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Reply #7 - 05/29/10  4:32pm
" Making Amends:

To me this involves five steps:

1) Confessing what was done and that these actions were wrong regardless of the circumstances surrounding the actions; that these actions were wrong because the actions were harmful(true remorse) and not because these actions led to the consequences you are now facing(false remorse)

2) Apologizing in some way, if only to God if the person you have harmed is either unavailable or if you are unsure what harm may come to the person you wish to apologize to

(Note: someone on here suggested a letter which would be nice so long as it does not include a plea to be re-involved in your sister's life which would come off as not an apology of what you did but an apology for how things have turned out)

3) Most importantly desperately seeking the help of a Higher Power(God as you understand Him/Her) to do the surgery on your soul necessary to change the underlying harmful beliefs that led you to have negative thoughts that led you to abuse your sister. Harmful actions towards ourselves and/or others are not the biggest problem; they are the result of what has gone on underneath the surface and if the only thing done is stopping the harmful actions other harmful actions will soon take their place.

(Therapy, recovery programs, support groups oriented towards what you are facing, and spiritual guidance are key to taking a deep look at what had gone on underneath to lead you to have the dark beliefs leading to the negative thoughts leading to your harmful actions)

4) Turning the guilt you have for what you have done into empathy for what happened to the person(s) who have been harmed by your harmful actions

5) Making reparations, monetary or otherwise, as is possible(directly or indirectly)

(Finding ways you can be of service to those you have harmed without pointing it out to them and also without having involvement in their lives is a true form of showing remorse for the harmful actions you have taken against another)


Facing the harm we have done to ourselves or another is one of the hardest thing any of us have to face in this maze of recovery. You have not said you were abused and perhaps you may be unaware that you were, but whether or not there is no doubt that something very traumatic of some sort must have happened to you for you to come to the point of abusing your sister. Your sister has every right to have very little or nothing to do with you; it is her choice and it needs to be respected and if you are truly remorseful you will come to see that this would be for the best for the both of you.

Hoping you find the help you need in facing yourself but seeing it is not from other survivors of sexual abuse( it would be the same as someone wanting help for how they abused drugs going to a meeting where there are survivors who were abused by someone who had been taking drugs). "
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Reply #8 - 05/29/10  10:43pm
" comming from a victim whos abuser was her brother:
i am probably in a very simialr position to what your sister is.
my brother too, wants to make amends. and i feel guilty that i hate him, your sister probably does too as this makes her seem like the difficult one, who isnt complying.
she probably feels like people are forgiving you because you paid your time, but shes going to pay her time for the rest of her life.
you've scarred her childhood, and shes angry with you.
and i accept you feel remorse but remorse doesnt help her.
she is in a position whereby she will never escape you.
because you are related. and that can't be helped but it makes what happened magnifiy, because she cant jsut pick herself up and get on with life, you are always going to be a constant reminder of what happened. she probalby hasnt a problem with you. just what you did.
when something happens to you in childhood,
it is very difficult to errase. and its a very very significant thing for her. but as she grows up, things in her life will start to override this experience.
i am quite thankful that you've posted on here, as it paints a different picture, a story from the otherside and now we can all perhaps see our abusers in a different light. we know what you did was unforgivable, and she will probably never truly trust you or look at you the same, but for you to actually want to help her heal and move on, is perhaps very moving.
do you understand a lot about abuse?
would it be helpful for you to see someone about abuse , as if you get help to understand this, you can help understand her needs. "
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Reply #9 - 06/26/10  7:59pm
" I was sexually abused by my brother. I was about 8 and he was about 10 at the time. There was no sex involved, although he wanted there to be. He used to touch me, which i hated. As i got older i realised that by screaming and saying our parents were coming upstairs he would leave, so i did that until eventually he must of got bored...
But when i was about 15 (he was about 17) he tried it again, he came into my room when i was singing and said i was obviously playing with myself and started to touch me, by this point i had met a boyfriend and released all my issues to him, the first person ever, and i went crazy at my brother and told him get the f*** off me, i told my bf the next day nd he made me tell my teacher... i did. But still, he texted me msgs at christmas that year begging to come into my room and f*** me, i spent the whole night terrified and listening out for sounds of him moving towards my room... Since then he hasn't tried to touch me, he has commented on a few outfits i've worn, such as "if u weren't my sister, i'd fuck you" which made me (and his friend) gag. But I will never trust him with a female child again, i don't care what he says, i know too much. I later was sent to a psychiatrist due to drug use to numb my pain from it all who contacted the police (and tried to make me testify) my mum was outraged and told me I had better not. So I kept my distance and told her i made it all up (this devastated me)... Since then i have quit drugs and have a high flying job but am still strongly depressed, I have been prescribed anti-depressants but dont want to admit that I need to take them so am struggling through alone... :) my advice to anyone would be tell someone as soon as it first happened, if i would have done that it would have alleviated me from half the pain i suffer with now. I wll never totally accept my brother, I will always harbour (even selfconsciously) a hatrid for him.. "
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Reply #10 - 06/27/10  9:13am
" A lot of the survivors here, myself being one, come here to have a safe place to talk to other survivors. I for one need to have a place where I can go and feel where I don't have to deal with offenders or their issues. I thought that was this place.
I'm glad you are asking for help. I think a counselor or therapist would be the right place for you to seek help.
I think you are peronally showing a lot of courage in your healing and I believe it's a good thing. But I do need a place where I can go and not have to deal with the issues of offenders. Personally where I am coming from is having a history of family members intimidate and bully me into believing that it's my responsibility to "take care" of the offender, to deal with their issues. I know other victims have been put into that position also. I think it would be best if you sought help from a professional. If this forum is open to offenders, then I know personally I'll have to go away and find another place to share where I can feel safe.
That being said, I do believe you are much better off than other offenders and I think you are on the right track. Just try to find a decent therapist. If you end up in a counseling group with other hard core unrepenting offenders, I would think that would not be the right place for you and would advise you to back out of that kind of thing. "

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