Sexual Abuse Support Group

The best thing that anyone can do is _first_ listen. Is might sound silly, but when someone goes through training to become a counsellor they learn 'active listening'.
Listen to her ...
... repeat back in your own words what she has told you (show you understood)
... reflect back how you read her feelings
... accept whatever she is feeling
... if you dont understand then say so, but take the ownership of not undertanding (say "I dont understand, but it seems to be really important to you" instead of "is there some other way you could explain it")
... watch her body language

Because of your relationship its also fine to hold her for no other reason than to just hold her. Sometime its better without words or expectations.

Love her ... keep your mind and heart focused on her, and she will know.

One member is presently asking people to answer a questionnaire and I believe the percentage of gay people reportig SA in their lives has been consistently above 80% (I'll have to ask about demographics effecting answers).

Hang in there.

i absolutely agree and would just like to mention how incredibly important communication is. it is so important not to pressure on the physical stuff, obviously, but equally important to not walk on eggshells. my last relationship utterly failed because she was constantly afraid that everything she was doing was hurting me, even though i assured her i was really happy and ready to be more physical/intimate. it just got too frustrating and she seemed to be too freaked out by the fact that i got assaulted. the later part doesn't seem to be an issue for you thankfully. the fact that you are reaching out and asking for help is such a positive sign. seriously.
i totally didn't mean to make it personal or anything, it's the only reference point i have.
traumas like the ones people have survived here tend to be really complicated. little things, called triggers, can set of a really painful emotional response that may not have been expected or seem rational. if you ask your gf to let you know if there is anything you say (it could be anything, a tv show, a geographical location, the date, a book, anything) that she would like you to avoid... i know i found that really helpful even among friends.

it's a process, but i'm confident things will turn out okay, just take things a day a time together and feel free to ask as many questions as you need to here
xx

Hi
Speaking out about being abused is incredibly hard and Im glad she was able to talk to you.
In all honestly abuse can cause alot of issues as you have already found out. Sex and intimacy can remind us of the sexual abuse and that is why some survivors find that hard. You will need to be patient and understanding and not pressure her.
For me personally, relationships caused too much emotional drama and stress due in large part to my issues and now Im single until I can fix these problems. I was insecure, jealous, clingy, controlling, insulting. The physical side wasnt a problem for me.
You need to have good communication. She needs to tell you what is triggering for her and what she needs from you.
You should find out more on child abuse so you can understand it better and how it can impact on a person. A good book is The courage to heal. This is a good site to educate yourself. There are other books and websites out there.
Healing from sexual abuse is a journey. It is alot of hard work.
Your gf should maybe consider therapy which can be very helpful.
You need to try to be non-judgemental because alot of us feel shame and blame ourselves for the abuse and may feel like damaged goods.
The fact that you love her and are willing to be patient will help alot.
wish you both all the best. You should see if your gf wants to come on here, its great for understanding and support.

I was sexually abused as a child, and had moments with my now-husband of three months back when we were dating when I would just "freak out"--get really upset, cry for no reason, etc. Usually that would come when I was feeling trapped or pressured. It was important for me to tell him the kinds of things that would set me off. As I got better at telling him, there was much less "freaking out." We've been married for a few months now and our sex life together is fantastic--which I say to let you know this does not mean that you will necessarily have huge sexual problems once you marry. However, I went to therapy, read books, educated myself--did a lot to prepare me for marriage and that sexual relationship. It is VERY important that you not pressure her, and ask her what her boundaries are--what she thinks is appropriate and inappropriate, what makes her feel safe versus threatened, etc--and NOT when she's upset, but when she's calm. Asking her "would it be better if I held your hand during this conversation" or some other form of asking permission for this conversation would be helpful. Paying attention to her--if she withdraws from contact, not taking that personally, if she gets upset, asking if it would help if you held her or held her hand, just being really open to her needs--that's always a good thing. Being careful not to blame her, encouraging her to get help--those are also good things.
Just my 2 cents
goofball

livein4herluv:

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love was Sexually Abused as a Child, by Laura Davis may be of great help to you. She wrote it especially for partners.

Since both of you are survivors you may also want to check out The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, or if that seems overwhelming check out Beginning to Heal, by the same authors. This book is like a primer on healing.

I'm glad you've connected with your gf and that she had the courage to share her past with you. I know it will work if you work it.

xx