What is Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Differ...
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Hey all,
I am not ever sure where to start, why exactly I'm here or what I want, but I'll try to explain... It was the summer I turned twelve, right before starting high school and I had to go and drop off some freshly mowed grass for my granddad's rabbits. My grandpa was a quiet man, but I felt we had this silent connection - don't laugh - because we both had a thing for rabbits. Anyway, I wasn't alone with him very often, but that day my grandma wasn't home and after we'd given the food to the bunnies, we went back to the house. Suddenly he put his arm around me, pushing our lower bodies together, and he gave me a weird look. A mix of pride and lust, I'd say now. Then he put his tongue in my mouth. I guess I pulled away and left, but that's all a bit fuzzy. Next thing I know I'm riding home on my bike wondering if it really happened. Needless to say I made sure I was never alone with him again, but when I had to greet him at our weekly Sunday family gatherings, I would just extend my hand and he would hold on to it until I gave in and let him kiss me. I had to turn my head very far so it would land on my cheek. These little battles went on with the entire family around, but nobody really noticing anything. Another time, years later, I'd talked about it with my younger cousin - who'd noticed his sexual interest as well, but she didn't seem to feel he'd crossed this line with her - and we both witnessed he was holding our 11-year-old cousin in his lap for a picture and feeling her up. She didn't notice - I think - but my other cousin and I did. I'm glad we both saw it, so I know it was real. I don't want to be melodramatic, I have a few friends who've been raped, by a father, by family members and I've read some of the very touching stories around here. So I feel some sort of shame coming here with my relatively small problem... but I've been trying to deal with extreme fear of failure, low self esteem and I can't help but think maybe this experience is part of the problem. I have no problems talking about it or telling people I'm close to (except for my parents and brothers and some other family members) but it's like I'm numb. I haven't felt anger about it, I haven't felt anything. I can only rationally think it shouldn't have happened, but emotionally have not accessed this at all. I've told a few people, among which some male cousins who told me things like. "I thought you were saying it to get attention.", "You shouldn't stir up the family, after all he's an old man, he doesn't get a lot of action.", "Maybe it's time to try and forgive him." ... How can I forgive if I can't even be angry? Everybody made me feel like it wasn't a big deal and I should just shut up about it. An opinion I shared, by the way. Until one person two years ago didn't respond that way... got angry it happened to me. It opened something up, but I'm still standing still. And I can't shake the guilt from trying to take this seriously... Wow... Glad I sort of got it out and thanks for reading all the way until the end... Not sure what I want from you, but guess it's good to put it all down in words... Posted on 11/01/09, 08:11 pm |
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hi- it sounds like your whole family is in denial and wants to blame you for bringing it up. he sounds fairly dangerous to me. I don't know what should be done about it, but since he has done this to you he could be a danger to you again or someone else and he needs to be stopped. the tongue and movement thing gives me the willies. :P
take care and I hope it stops. rcrowfoot 
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No matter about what other problems other people are having this incident still matters. Sadly enough it sounds like your grandfather did take advantage of you and that is something that needs to be dealt with. Your family seems to not be able to see the problem. If you don't find it hurting you emotionally then don't capitalize on it. Be grateful that you can have a rational thinking about it and get on with your life. But you should keep an eye out for any other emotions that might revolve around what happened. It needs to be brought to someone's attention who can do something so that no one else has a story to tell. Hope your okay.
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Hey rcrowfoot and LayLay15, thanks so much for responding!
I should've mentioned he died two years ago, yesterday being All Saints Day it felt as if I had to give him more time than I wanted to and faking around my family that I actually care, even while he's not here anymore. I never had the guts to ask my other younger cousin if she has a story too and I hope she doesn't. I already feel guilty I didn't try to warn her... Can't help but wonder if things happened to my mom and aunts or to me that I didn't realize were happening. Spent high school cutting myself and being very depressed, like I have no memories of those days, it all seems black, but I was trying to accept being gay... When I came out when I was 18, I thought I was fine, I'd dealt with things. Am a lot happier, but still really low elf esteem, super insecure and a fear of failure that stops me from taking exams or even studying sometimes - I used to love learning. So dropped out of uni, worked, traveled and have now decided to go back to school. Started working with student coach, but she seems to be at a bit of a loss with me right now... and I'm wondering if I should tell her this, that maybe it's affected me, but I don't know how. And I know I sort of want to...
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Shaii,
I feel that potential abusers have the right to deal with their issue, but when they share those issue and create a victim that it is now the victim's right to dictate how the healing will go. I am sorry that your family has chosen to keep things silent, that type of behaviour teachers victims that the abuse was acceptable which allows for the cycle of abuse to be passed along. It is the wanting to break the cycle of abuse and preventing the abuse from hurting another person that are the only 2 reasons that anyone has the right to stick their nose into your business (which is not the case here, anyhow). I would like to take a moment to validate your feelings. It was abuse; because it was not "too serious" then it was okay for you to hanle it low-key; but we should recognize that it was real. I might have opened a can of worms with some of what I said, but we are all entitled to an opinion.
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MickKay,
Thanks a lot for validating my feelings. I think that's the main thing I need to hear... and maybe if some of the people I'd decided to trust wouldn't have skipped that bit to jump right to his defense, I wouldn't be here writing all this, trying to get some sort of recognition from virtual 'strangers'. So yes, heartfelt thank you... :) As for potential abusers having the right to deal with their issues. Absolutely. Preferably, I'd say. We are all more or less a mess in some respect. (Insert grain of salt here) But it's not up to the victim to instigate that process, it's too much to ask for. (Not that you seem to be advocating that.) Or - depending on the severity - to even consider an abuser as a victim of his or her own issues, is difficult as it somehow seems to get mixed up with agreeing with what was happening. As for myself, actually I've never felt much of a clearly discernible anger towards my grandfather, but more towards the people who didn't help. Maybe they've denied both of us a solution. But I realize I can't entirely put it on their shoulders either. Ah, the ratio and the heart do not like to work together. Not sure if that was what you were saying, my response seems a bit garbled - I'm gonna pull the not-a-native-speaker-card, here... Please clarify in case I didn't quite get it.
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I think we're on the same page. In your case it would have been acceptable for you to ask your family to justify your feeling and help your grandfather towards healing. By recognizing what happened and dealing with it your entire family might have benefitted.
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You have every right to be angry with your grandfather! and you are not being melodramatic. if you could ever get up enough courage and let him know that is was wrong to do that to you. It broke your trust and have you feelings of shame and guilt which has screwed all of us up in here. whethere it's a form of molestation or rape, it is still significant enough to damage our self-esteem and trust. I hate this happens to so many of us in so many different ways. It's good for you to share and open up. we are here for you because we have to stand up together and fight how this has placed such a burden on our hearts! God Bless You and keep you always safe!
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