What is Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Differ...
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I'm really happy to find this as an outlet tonight. I wasn't sure which support group to join here, so I am hoping someone can point me in the right direction upon reading this. I'm sorry this is going to be a rather long post, because for once I actually have something to say. I have pushed myself really hard at everything and have found success in my life. The problem is I am still rather unsatisfied and well... depressed. I don't sleep or eat right and I really just want to find love again. I have gone on horrible date after horrible date and have been single for years now and just don't understand what's wrong with me and why nothing is working out. I started getting into astrology in an effort of self-reflection. I know it's lame, but well I'm a pisces and we are rather gullible. Tonight, I hit an ultimite low and saw a palm reader. She looked at my palm and said my problem was that I have this dark aura around me left from something that happened in my past that is preventing my current happiness. I am not a crier by any means, but I left there about 2 hours a go and haven't stopped crying. I don't think this woman is a genius or anything but she was right. I haven't been able to let go of something I have tried to forget for so long and I need to let it go to allow myself to be happy again. When I went to college, I was a virgin and truly meant to keep it that way until marriage. I fell in love and he respected that which made me love him more. That relationship went down the tubes for other reasons and I started seeing this other kid who was in the same circles at school as me. We were really good friends and things blossomed into more due to both my lonliness and the comfort of our friendship. We soon became boyfriend and girlfriend. That spring there was this concert at school and my friends and got really drunk. I went home with my sober boyfriend and we were on his bed making out. We both took off our clothes which was normal as we did things other than sexual intercourse. As we were making out, I pulled him toward me and he penetrated me. He continued and asked if this was ok. I didn't say anything which made him stop. I started crying and in an effort to comfort me he started talking about how he regretted his first time. I truly couldn't give a damn at the time what his first time was like and got dressed and left crying. I was so angry that he would do that knowing I was a virgin, knowing what the meant to me, and bein sober while I was drunk. I was angry i put myself in that position and allowed things to go too far. Yes, I wanted sex and pulled him toward me as things were getting hot and heavy but I didn't want him to do that! He later came after me and said he was sorry and that we didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. I really didn't care what we did anymore though as I felt I was no longer a virgin anymore. Sex meant absolutely nothing to anymore and frankly still doesn't. A few months later, after we both admitted we loved each other I had sex with him (for the first time since the incident) mostly because I didn't really feel like a virgin anymore so I might as well go all the way with him. I didn't regret it that time. He was great to me and it was everything I hoped it would be. Sometimes I wonder why I stayed with him after the night of the concert. I really couldn't say. I guess I just wanted to forget it ever happened and if I broke up with him everyone would ask why. I told my friends what happened the next day and they didn't really know how to react. They just said that they wouldn't count it as he didn't come or anything. I was just so young and confused and upset with myself. Like everyone had always said I would, I lost my virginity in college before marriage. I proved everyone right. I am no longer with him nor do I speak to him. We went on and off for the next 2 years. I went between hating him and loving him. We fought all the time, would break up, go back to being friends, hook up, fight and break up again. It was a horrible cycle that could only end with us agreeing to never speak again. I haven't been close to anyone since. I had a hard shell before him and it is even harder now. I don't know how to get over this and be a normal open person. I don't know how to have meaningful sex anymore or ever did for that matter. Even since then, I have gone home with guys a couple of times and have told them to stop and when they didn't I didn't say anything or finally would get tired of trying to push them off and just let them just have sex with me. I know this sounds so stupid compared to some of the horrible stories here. Im not sure if any of this is considered sexual assault, but clearly I have issues due to this I don't know where to turn. I would prefer to turn to counseling over handing this psychic woman $1000 to clear my aura. Some of you have so much strength and have been through so much more than me. How do you do it?
Posted on 10/24/09, 12:10 am |
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First of all, I would DEFINITELY call the encounter you had with your then boyfriend after the concert sexual assault, or to be a bit more definite about, I would consider the assault to be rape. You were drunk, he was sober. That made him the responsiblle party in the encounter. And he knew your feelings about your virginity. He violated you, he violated your trust, he assaulted you, and he raped you. Period!!
I definitiely think counseling is where you need to be. If cost is a consideration, ask around in your community and see if there is a rape crisis center nearby. These places will often do trauma counseling free of charge. Here in St. Louis, the Y.W.C.A. has a great program, as does one of the local universities. You could start your investigation by calling the Emergency Rooms at some of your local hospitals, by calling United Way, by calling your local suicide prevention "hotline" (or 1-800-SUICIDE), or by checking with your local colleges and universities. Rape results in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.). And P.T.S.D. can interfere with relationships, cause anxiety and depression, and cause "flashbacks" which are memories of the original assault. P.T.S.D. can be treated, and the treatments are usually very successful. So I urge you to check into counseling as soon as possible. Take care of yourself, and please keep in touch with this panel and let us know how you're doing. Best of luck to you. 
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Thank you so much for your post. I plan to do something about it today and write in my journal about it. I am really grateful.
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I understand how it is hard to classify whether what happened that first time was rape or not. However, its easy to see that it is still affecting you. Counselling is definately the best thing you can do for yourself. Be ready, tthough, because some people go through 3 counsellors before finding the one with whom they relate well - so don't be shy to try a second if you feel that the first one isn't working out.
Technically, he took advantage of your drunken state. Judging by his later actions he understood that it hurt you and tried his best to be a good person (after the fact). You are right that many people have more severe experiences in comparison, but don't let another person's experience minimize your own feelings, we all have to work with the hand that we've been dealt. The experiences that followed would have been more traumatic to me and left me scarred if 'i had been in your shoes. I think you should try to gain insight. A sexologist might be the right person to look for. Good luck
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BTW, there is also a group called "Healthy sex" in case you are interested.
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