Sexual Abuse Support Group

It's hard to explain exactly how I did this, but I really had to reach an epiphany and realize "There are some things about my parents that will never change." I made a conscious decision to accept the fact that they will never understand certain things, or be able to see certain situations from my perspective.

Deciding to accept this fact has really brought me a lot of peace. That's not to say that they don't still piss me off when they say or do something insensitive/inappropriate. I do get mad, and then I remember: "That's just who they are. It's not going to change. I have no control over that." And I "move on" as best I can.

I also think it helps to remember that you DO have a right to be angry/ upset/ etc. Your feelings may never be validated by your parents, but there are plenty of others (support group members, therapists) who can tell you YES it was abuse. That kind of trauma, in my opinion, is not something we ever completely "get over." We learn to come to a kind of peace with our past, but it is always there, and what happened to you will always be wrong.

I hope that (through the process of recovery) you can give yourself love and approval. No matter how many wonderful people love you, you'll never be able to fully take in their love if you don't believe you deserve it.

Great post Rosie! I agree with everything you said. I know what you are saying Hardir. I have the same problem with my mom never loving me and it hurts. I came to the same conclusions that Rosie did, thuogh it took me many years of trying and trying to please her and somehow make her proud of me.Finally I got the picture that it wasn't going to happen. About the spiritual abuse, I get that too as we had had a LOT of that in the rape of my daughter.Please read my journel entry on the Anger and forgiveness seminar we attended. We have been told that abusors who DO NOT admit to the abuse ARE NOT in recovery and who push for you to forgive and forget on THEIR timetable are NOT to be trusted. Never trust any children you may have to be alone with them for one second. I am SO glad you live thousands of miles from them. God says He will be a father to the fatherlss, which is what your father has made you, fatherless. I am glad you have surrounded yourself with positive people who can be a family to you. Maybe there are those in your cicle who could be like parent surrugots to you. I know I had a neighbor in my 20's who was like a mom to me, and I have served as a mom for a couple of kids who didn't have a functioning one. Peace and Best wishes to you. Here you can find support.

I am struggling with this right now also. I have just discovere some new memories that are starting to want to come to surface of my fathers possible abuse on me. My daughters recent abuse I believe triggered this. My mother litterally ignored my letter to her about it, setting me off and onto a long list of burried anger I long thought I had gotton over for her and her abuse and lack of protection from sexual abuse when I was a child from someone else.

My anger I think towards her though is more for the abuse she dished out to us kids that she has *no recolletion of* and that all five of us kids *now all grown midde age ahve made up* to hur her. We were always out to get her. I asked her how she could not know that her son was not raping her children, how her husband was not raping her children. How could she not recall abusing us.

She called me a liar and once again told me I was crazy and to move on and that she thought I was the stable one and how could I hurt her lik this. This was just last month. Not once did she ask how my daughter was. Not once did she ask how I was or what was I talking about with my father. It was all about her and what was I doing to her and how she has moved on from that period of her life and her other children are all doing fine. *NOT*

It was all about her...and the pain I was causing her...the how could I....It was an incredible painful eye opener. I hurt more then I ever realized I could. I know that I have always been craving my mommy's unconditional love........but not how much until this recent event.......

It also made me realize how far I have come in my healing/journey and that I can admit the abuse and so on. Iam sorry for your pain. It hurts.

Bgranny: Your reply hit home and I agree. She is uhealthy and I do NOT need her/that in my life. I will find a way to replace that another way...

I am glad I found this sight.

Your dad doesnt want to take responsibility for his actions and own up to the wrong he did and the pain its caused you. Abusers are totally selfish and uncaring and that is why they abuse in the first place.
Your mum doesnt want to face reality. She just wants to brush it under the rug. This is common of many family members. They cant accept that such a terrible thing has happened so they just block it out or they dont want to deal with it. Its awful and makes it so much harder for us to heal. Its like giving us the message that what happened to us and our continued suffering is nothing.
Maybe in some way your dad has manipulated your mum so that she will side with him.
No matter what your parents think you have to know that what was done to you was wrong and the way your parents are acting is wrong. Sexual abuse is a very traumatic thing that can impact on a person for the rest of their lives. Anyone who thinks otherwise is lacking morals and compassion.
My dad abused me and he is out of my life. Im not close to my mum. It does really suck to not have parents but that is something you have to accept. They are stuck in their ways. So you have the choice to either accept the situation and minimal contact or you can cut your parents out of your life. This may sound extreme but if it is causing you so much pain then you should put your healing and peace of mind first. No parents may be better than crap parents.
Your husband and friends can be your family instead. You are lucky to have them. I have no friends and no partner. Im pretty much alone and very isolated.
Another option is to suggest family counselling but Im not sure stubborn people like your parents would be up for that but it is worth a shot.
all the best

hardir, at some point we have to acknowledge that we are ultimately responsible for ourselves and only oursleves and I would support your decision to distance yourself from your unsupportive parents as much as you wish as well as maintaining whatever contact you want.

Abuse is a difficult issue to deal with. Your father would have to accept that his illness pushed him towards hurting the one he loved and that he allowed it to govern his actions. That, ultimately, he hurt a wonderful person to their very core. Abuse is difficult for us to work through, but we do it becaus ewe want a better life for ourselves. He also has to work through abuse and it is difficult for him. He is being selfish, and he is wrong becaus eyou have told him that you want him to take some responsability to help clean up the mess that he created and he is unwilling to do so (because, yes, it is hard for him). The abuse was handed to you and it is yours to choose how much you will allow him to remain a part of your life. Sadly you cannot simply wish the abuse away.

Your mother has to deal with the fact that she allowed this to happen. She has to question whether she was in denial, and what she could have / would have done. It's also easier for her to deny it or acknowledge it but not to deal with it. Sadly, they do not realize the selfishness of their actions in refusing to let you deal with the abuse in your way.

As per their religion ... forgiveness is a very 'Christian' concept. John the Baptist paved the way for Jesus preaching repentence to the crowds. Repentance includes admitting your wrongs and repairing damage where you can ... abusers are often discouraged from discussing the abuse with the abused because doing so can cause more damage (be careful what you ask for, this is possible). If they ae not ready to admit openly (at least to their minister) what has occured then they do not understand repentance. At least if he (they)acknowledges that, yes, the abuse occurred; then you have a starting ground to accept he has taken the first step towards 'repentence'.

I really like rosie and granny's posts. This group offers some great insight!

Finally, with all that said, do not expect your parents to openly discuss the abuse any more than anyone can force change upon you. You do have to, for your own sake, accept the fact that they are who they are ... and then decide how close you will allow this type of person to get into your life today.

Good luck

I understand perfectly. You need some acknowledgment and show recognition of the intense pain it caused you...how your childhood and innocence was taken from you.You need your parents to show love and concern and take some responsibility for not protecting you (mother & father) and abusing you (father). Instead you are being made to feel there is something wrong with you...and to just get over it already. It's sad but you must, for now, accept that your parents aren't going to be there for you...in fact will actively try to hinder your recovery. First off....you will never, ever forget. Period. Hopefully at some point in the future you will be able to forgive...not because they need or should be forgiven as they don't but when you truly forgive you release all that negative energy from your heart. You forgive for you...not them. But healing is a process....and it's impossible to forgive until you've fully processed what happened and expressed and released all the anger, hurt and betrayal. There can be no true forgiveness until you've worked it through...and I suspect it will be very hard to get to forgiveness as long as they are minimizing what happened and aren't taking responsibility for their part in failing you. For now, as best you can, try to keep your focus on you and what you need to do to heal...as much as you might wish otherwise...they are just not there for you right now. It's just a fact...accept this reality as hurtful as it is....but you don't have to allow their words and actions to wound you further. Accept them for what they are and mourn the fact that you really don't have parents....or at least loving parents that will love and support you in the way any "real" parent would in this situation. It sucks to be sure....but it's important for you to come out of denial. accept the reality and see them for what they really are...unloving, selfish individuals deep in denial that are only concerned with themselves. God willing, hopefully at some point, that will change but for now don't look to them for support....find and surround yourself with people who can and will support you as you got through the difficult process of recovery.

hardir:

I can't say I understand totally, for I am not you. What I do understand, however, is how this longing to be loved by my own parents shadowed me for too long.

You ask, "why can't these things fill this hole in my heart?" I'd like to suggest that your "loving husband, great friends, and ...basically good life" cannot fill that hole in your heart because the hole needs to be filled with your own self-love.

I sense in you, and know for myself, that little girl hunger to be loved and protected and wanted. I didn't have it no matter how much I longed for it. But, as I healed I found an inner place where that longing was finally satisfied.

When I learned to love myself that need to be loved by negating parents vanished. And so did my magical thinking of "if my parents could just see that all I really want is their love, and love me, then I would be fine."

Your parents are deep in denial and are thus not open to hear you, let alone, change. But, what self-loving person would willingly bash their heads (and hearts) against such an immovable wall because they want to be loved? Stop hurting yourself, stop giving your power away and stop buying into their guilt trip of forgive and forget.

These words are frequently used by the ignorant, by those in denial, and by people who do not understand the process of healing.

As Sadave46 said, you must FIRST "process what happened and express and release all the anger, hurt and betrayal" before forgiveness even becomes a possibility. Many say the forgiveness is really for yourself; it is. I also believe that with deep healing it can eventually includes those who hurt us.

hardir, start loving yourself more. And every time that little-girl- need to be loved by mommy and daddy surfaces, do something extra nice for you. In your inner heart, take this child-self into your arms and just hold her; tell her you love her and that you (the adult hardir) is there for her now. Tell her you will stop seeking love from those who cannot give it.

Go thru the process of mourning your losses where your parents are concerned and when that is complete turn your focus to gratitude and happiness, for you are blessed with a "loving husband, great friends and a basically good life."
xxx

I so understand. You need some type of closure with them. they betrayed your trust in a mosty horrifying shameful and guilt ridden way that only people who have gone thru sexual abuse can understand. Your parents are ashamed deep down for what they did or didn't do and they can't take it away so they would rather shift the blame on you than trying to find a way to help you thru this pain. It's very difficult to get thru all the emotions. Triggers can happen at any time. I had a most horrifying trigger that happened to me 3 years ago! I'm still processing it. It damages the part of ourselves that feels good to be in the body! we must love ourselves and get rid of the notion that our family will give us what we need to recover. we can only do it for ourselves. Rely on God even when you don't feel it. We must have faith in ourselves. I despise that this happens to so many of us!

Forget?! NOT POSSIBLE!!!

Forgive? Forgive yourself for what you still carry shame, blame and guilt over. I have NOT forgiven those that abused me and probably never will, but I don't think forgiving THEM is necessary to be able to recover from SA. And I mean recover as fully as possible....