Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

I just got the book "The power of the praying husband." By Stormie Omartian.

Chapter 11 - Which unfortinately as you will soon see, I flipped to and read first, starts like this;

Be honest, now. Did you skip right to this chapter without reading the previous ten? (Doh!? caught red handed!) If you did, don't feel bad about it. Its quite undersandable and totally natural. Sex is not only a man's strognest drives, but also one of his greatest needs. ( You may already know this.) In my book The power of a praying wife, I put the things dearest to a man's heart at the beginning. "His Sexuality" is the forth chapter. (I didn't make it the first chapter because it is, after all, a christian book.)

This paragraph is very respectful towards men's sexuality. The problem we face in this addiction is that when I blow sex out of the water by actually being disrespectful to my own body with all those dispicable things I do, I basically disable my wife's ability to respect any aspect of that MOST IMPORTANT drive and need as a man.

At that point, from her own feelings betrayal and anger, even the slightest indication that I have any appitite for sex at all is a vile grotesque indication that I am a perverted deviant.

My addict IS deviant and perverted. But that is not ME. As a man, my appitite for sex is not at all deviant, It is God given, healthy and creates the energy and initiative to stay connected with my wife, and likely also the very part of me that creates the drive to go out into the world and concour it as well.

I think most of my rants on DS about how women who withhold sex unilatterally is a problem biblically are responded to as if I am speaking from a place of entitlement.

I own the part that comes from my failures and personal struggles with entitlement. But I do not own that God is clear on this point in the bible.

I also understand, as a man, it is almost impossible to say that a woman should meet her husbands sexual needs with out sounding self-serving and slefish. Especially as an addict who knows she can not meet my addicted needs. And I really don't want her to because they disturb me, and they really disturb her!

So again I clarify. I do NOT mean my right TO sexuality. I mean respect for the fact that sex is very important to men. And it is by design.

When I discussed fasting for 40 days with my mentor. He said, "I would rather go 40 days without food, than 40 days without sex." He is not an addict, he and his wife spend their entire ministry on teaching marriage. And HE would rather go without food than sex. My wife might not even notice if 40 days without sex went by, except for the fact that she is very respectful of my sexuality as a man. She always has been. Sometime recently I asked her how long we had ever gone without sex. She confidently said "No more than a month, I made sure." Now as one realization that came from my recovery, she has graciously changed the tempo, not the attitude. This is respect for male sexuality.

It is so painful to us when our wives, because it is just not that important to them, just go about their business for days, weeks or months just not even thinking about sex. It hurts that you don't even notice our MOST IMPORTANT DESIRE and NEED.

What is your most important desire and need as a woman?

"I Love you" ?,
"You look beautiful" ?
"The bills are paid" ?
or maybe its "I understand what your saying" ?

How do you feel when we blow those things off for days weeks or months? You may think you have the high-ground on emotions, but it HURTS as much as neglecting these things hurt you.

I undersand the value of a time of abstinance. But I think it has to be mutually agreed and limited to a specific time to be useful. And the resaons of retreating after learning of a betrayal, and respecting that need to retreat out of love IS mutually agreeing, but it needs to also have an exit strategy as well. " I will be available in a month, or I will ask you for more time, if I am not." something like that.

This is all me talking, not my addict! He says something that sounds similar.

That is what I mean by repecting RIGHT male sexuality.

Can I once and for all jus take the word RIGHT back? Please, can I?

"and because I respect your male sexuality"?

Hi Choose,
While there is no SA on earth I totally agree with, I do find your posts insightful and helpful. (There are others which are not.) If you are having the last word on things, maybe it is just because many are your own threads. I think that is normal on your own thread to have the last word.

My question would just be, why are you looking on these old threads and making a tally of whether you are 'right' or 'wrong' or 'accepted' or 'rejected' by the various, anonymous, and shifting crowd of folks up on this board? Who are we to judge you? (um, and where should you be looking instead, for judgement?)

SA is complex, dealing with it is a new science. The most important issue really seems to be, whether you are dealing with it at all, and this goes for SAs and SOs alike. Your/our answers, approach, thoughts and feelings about it are going to be changing as we merrily roll along. If you/we are wrong about something today, you'll/we'll learn better tomorrow. No need to be right about it all today, this minute. As long as you are still addressing the issue, as long as you are seeking the right way, as long as you are willing to admit any mistakes you may still be making, and as long as you draw breath you will be making them - you're ok.
It's ok to be wrong, it's ok to make mistakes, but if you stop growing and changing, you die. You don't need approval from here. Take a breath and keep on going.