What is Sex Pornography Addiction
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a postulated form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
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I am reading a new book that was recommended to me by Lorilou.
"Hope & Freedom For Sexual Addicts And Their Partners" By Milton S Magness. Great stuff, and since alot of stuff is now missing on this board, i thought i would share some bits as i go. Writing it out, also helps me digest it better. Page 49.. The whole question about masturbation is one that is difficult for some people to talk about. Studies show that virtually all men and a significant portion of women have masturbated at one time or another. There is an assumption that masturbation is something individuals outgrow as they leave their teenage years. In fact, a number of people, both men and women, continue masturbating throughout their adult lives. Masturbation not only may have a negative impact on the sexual relationship in committed relationships but it may also impact communication and conflict resolution skills. Why do I say this? HOW CAN MASTURBATION DAMAGE A RELATIONSHIP OUTSIDE OF THE SEXUAL REALM? The answer is that women and men approach sex differently . Women typically require an emotional connection with their partner if they are going to have sex. If problems or conflict exist in the relationship they must be addressed before many women are willing to be sexual. It is a different story with men. Men don't have to have an emotional connection to have sex. They can completely separate sex from love or emotion. If a man wants to be sexual but there is some emotional baggage in the relationship, his wife will probably want to "unpack" that baggage before being sexual. If a man is not willing to wait or make the emotional investment in the relationship, he can masturbate - literally be sexual with himself and not have to expend any emotional energy. The dismal fact is that too often men will continue to indulge in masturbation and neglect the emotional and communication concerns of the relationship. For too many men, masturbation becomes a complusive act that is used to medicate pain, stress, lonliness, fear, anger or other emotions. For that reason masturbation within a committed relationship can become a selfish act and may contribute significantly to the couple having a lower than desired frequency of sexually intimate moments. Perhaps the biggest problem with masturbation is that it is often the ignition for other acting out behaviours. Before frequenting sexual massage parlors, before the clandestine affair, before seeking out prostitutes, many addicts rationalise their behaviour by saying that they were engaging only in masturbation and fantasy. In other words, they see the self gratifying action as pertaining only to themselves and not to their spouse or partner as a statement of rejection or withholding of pleasure. The neurochemical reinforcement provided when one masturbates to a fantasy is powerful. The resulting brain chemistry gives a person a high not unlike the high that comes from using certain illegal drugs. Posted on 11/07/09, 07:11 am |
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First let me say that I am very sorry about your loss, I have no idea how difficult it would be if I lost my wife. I think men, (me) are much less capable of dealing with such a loss than women (you) so, I hope you find peace in this painful and lonly time.
I think there are several variances to consider regarding masturbation. And thank you for trusting us enough to open up. First the bible mentions masturbation only 2 times. Once it is described as "cerimonial unclean" similar to menstration. A biological issue limiting access to the temple, not a sin. The onther time is Onanism, Onan spilt his seed instead of getting his brother's widow pregnant like God had commanded him. His sin was disobedience, masturbation was just how he did it. This is a timeless debate with theologians. One will say it is a terrible sin and it can not be seperated from lust. Another would say it was a gift from God and a nurturing behavior to yourself. As an addict the problem is compulsion. It typically can not be controlled. The brain chemistry it creates is very strong, and in conjunction with childhood abuse or neglect causes problems for us addicts because it creates isolation when we need to work hard at being intimately availble. Doug Weise at sexaddict.com suggests that the below questions be asked when you decide to masturbate. They are focussed on addicts, and make a determination about why you want to masturbate. His premise is that it can be healthy but not if it is complulsive, secretive, intended to deal with or causes negative feelings, or to medicate feelings. Question 4,7,8,9 are focused on making these determinations for the primary issues addicts deal with. If you are not or do not consider yourself an addict, then it is very likely that you will not have issues with masturbation, and it will be perfectly healthy. I know several people who have no problem enjoying mastrubation, men who travel away from their wives, the military doctors actually encourage masturbation in combat to minimize homesickness and stress. If your OK with these questions, and feel comfortable with it, and can enjoy yourself without feeling any shame, guilt or remorse, and it does not become compulsive, and maybe minimize fantasizing while your doing it, then I would encourage you to light a candle, draw a bubble bath and enjoy yourself. I am sure others will chime in here. The questions; 1. Am I trying to medicate a feeling? 2. Am I confused about what I am feeling? 3. Am I responding to a picture, movie or fantasy? 4. Am I violating a boundary that I set for my recovery? 5. Do I have a legitimate relational sexual outlet? 6. Will I feel badly about myself afterwards? 7. The last time I did this, did it send me on a binge of acting out? 8. Will I want to keep this a secret? 9. Am I using this as a stress release? 
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Hi Fluff,
Charli is our most-resourceful psychologist here. I was looking for a recent thread he responded to where he left a web-site survey from Stephanie Carnes wife of Dr. Patrick Carnes one of the major SA gurus we often refer to here. She has a research survey on-line...maybe you can google it where you can take a test that is based on lots of research that should tell you if you have a sexual addiction. I do have to say though that you obviously have survived not only the loss, fear and abandonment of your husband's death but I am sure it was horribly grueling to watch the man you love die from such a horrible and torturous disease. From what I know after much research regarding sex addiction and wives of sex addicts (being as I am one) often normal people masturbate simply to sooth themselves. Now when it becomes an addiction is when it begins to interfere with normal life activities such as work and other intimate relationships. So I guess you could ask yourself am I going into work late, or interrupting work or going into inappropriate places to do this? Am I forgoing relationships with friends and family to do this? Am I hurting myself, my values and morals or others by doing this? Am I using this to dissociate or leave my body, become someone or something else? And like Choose said...What are your feelings afterward? I guess that is the most important question and really gives insight to the biggest problem. We once had a guy here who was sure he was an addict. But once we asked him how frequently he did this he said about once per month. So naturally our next question was why he felt this was an addiction since he was a healthy, young male, virgin. His answer was because of the way he interpreted his religion. Well by definition he was not an addict. This was more of a philosophical issue, so he was advised to counsel with clergy and that is exactly what he did. I don't know if this is your case but you can see why it is important to disclose more information such as how often, what was your sex life like when you were married. Was there guilt regarding this area while you were married etc. I know this is such a strange subject to be talking so openly with complete strangers. Before I found out about my own husband's SA I would have never dreamed of talking to another human being about my sexuality, let alone a group of complete strangers. Well obviously I had to get over that. Thank the Lord for the Internet, fake names and avatars. No one knows any more about you than you disclose. Some people are more comfortable than others being more open about all this. You'll notice they are probably in the sex addiction profession and have nothing to hide anyway or live on the other side of the world and for all we know unless you've noted it we don't know any more than that either so you can be as anonymous as you choose. Hope all this helps, Lorilou
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Thanks for your responses. I still can't believe that I actually posted my concerns. The questions you asked:
5. Do I have a legitimate sexual outlet? NO......I COULD (AND HAVE BEEN TEMPTED TO) TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ADVANCES, BUT IT IS NOT IN MY NATURE. DICK IS THE ONLY MAN I HAVE EVER HAD SEX WITH. 6. Will I feel badly about myself afterwards? THIS IS A YES AND NO QUESTION......AS I THINK ABOUT IT NOW, MAINLY NO! 7. The last time I did this, did it send me on a binge of acting out? I DON'T KNOW WHAT ACTING OUT MEANS. IF IT MEANS BEING PERMISCUOUS OR BEING EXCESSIVE AS FAR AS SELF GRATIFICATION....NO. 8. Will I want to keep this a secret? I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE DISCUSSING THIS WITH ANYONE.....AND, AS I LOOK BACK, DICK AND I GREW UP IN A TIME WHEN THIS WASN'T DISCUSSED. (I'm wondering now how we did have had a good sex life being so inhibited according to today's thinking) HE AND I NEVER DISCUSSED IT ALTHOUGH I KNOW NOW THAT IT HAD TO HAVE BEEN A PART OF OUR LIFE. IT DIDN'T INTERFERE WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP, BUT THE ONSET OF ALS MADE IT PRETTY MUCH A NECESSITY FOR ME........AS IT MUST ALSO HAVE BEEN FOR HIM. 9. Am I using this as a stress release? I GUESS IN SOME WAYS I AM..... Reading what others have said in these posts, I was also a victim of childhood sexual abuse and that is the reason I posed the question to this group in the first place. As a result, self gratification has been a part of my life from early on, but up until the last couple of years (and reading the posts on this site) it hasn't been something I have questioned about myself because as far as I knew it didn't have an effect on our relationship. I'm going to the gym regularly, I've been hiking by myself, I'm doing yoga, I'm doing what's necessary to keep our household going and I'm diligent about caring for our "fuzzy, four-footed children"......and still there is a BIG-time emptiness....a need.....and it has made me question a lot of things in my life. In a way I hate that I even posted here. I have a problem......b-u-t I don't have a problem by most people's standards......and I need to work things out for myself. I have tons of people I can talk to........b--u--t there is no way that I will let myself do it. I don't write much in DS, but I do regularly look in on subjects and it has helped more than I can say. Don't know why I felt a connection with you guys, but I did.
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I think your answers are in pretty good shape not to worry about it. As far as secrets. I think you are not keeping it a secret far beyond your comfort zone by coming here to discuss it. That question is more about me hiding it from my wife, and that being bad for intimacy and communication. that is why I have changed my bottom line from no masturbation to no masturbation without my wife's permission... to press us together and avoid secrets.
In your situation and with the culture of your age, I do not think your concerns about keeping this private as keeping it secret like an addict would. Regarding stress release. I can not get to the place where sex should not be used to releive stress. I think it is about balance. If sex is the only coping skill an addict has that is when it becomes a problem. But if it is one of the many heallthy coping skills, and your spouse's "no" does not throw you into a tailspin, then there is nothing wrong with a little release to release stress. It works. The problem with masturbation in that situation, and especially in secret from your wife, turns my sexuality into myself. In your case, it can be much more nurturing and positive than finding a partner. I do however think your childhood abuse and your concerns about this is an opportunity for some personal growth. It might be a good thing to go to therapy just to think through these things.
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Hi Fluff,
Well now that you mention the childhood sexual abuse I can understand why you felt drawn to this board. Although, you have not acted out "sexually" the way many on this board do or have been effected like the spouses of the SAs here on this board intuitively you knew you had something in common. Many of us here...spouses of (SO) and Sex Addicts (SA) have experienced some form of sexual abuse or dysfunction. In that way, maybe some of us here can direct you to what it is you are looking for. I do believe the death of your h not only has triggered obvious fear of abandonment issues with you (I think it would anybody) but since old trauma, the sexual abuse, that hasn't been dealt with tends to piggyback ride on new trauma, your husband's death, you are experiencing a trauma reaction. Now the two places in time have literally joined to become one big trauma. My suggestion would be to find a member here on this board...her name is "Mockingbird." Mockingbird just joined this group a few weeks ago and in telling her story she was very informative. She too had been raped as a child. Before telling her story to us she mentioned a couple of other groups including a book she contributed to regarding this type of trauma. I know one of her threads is titled..."A letter to the day before." But what I learned from her is she has a lot of theraputic information that might be helpful in your healing the trauma from the past so that you can begin to heal the trauma from your present. Right now I am reading a text by Bessel A. Van der Kolk which is really dry, so I won't recommend it unless you happen to be studying psychology (like me) or are in the business. Its called "Traumatic Stress." Anyway, based on the books I have read regarding this subject from what I've learned it is imperative you first deal with the childhood issue even if you feel you've dealt with it prior as it is obvious the sexual issue has resurfaced in the compulsive masturbation. Even if your M has not been to the extent that it has become an addiction, you do seem concerned about it. I would assume since you don't mention other out of control or extremely out of control behaviors that you probably already have learned healthy coping mechanisms to deal with your past trauma. Now all you need is to brush up on what you've learned or learn new techniques to deal. Good luck, Lorilou
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I would first like to just give a general thanks to this post. Reading this helped me get some more knowledge on the subject before talking to my H. I am still new to all of this(8 weeks since disclosure), and working through a lot. H and I had a very frank discussion last night about masturbation, and it helped me a lot. I was able to express my concerns and get his views. He has an appointment with his therapist Monday and is going to talk about masturbation then.
He has been been compulsively masturbating for years, while using pornography. Since his disclosure, he has not looked at pornography, and as he has said, has gone from masturbating up to 20 times a week, to 2-3 times a week. After our discussion last night, he feels he wants to try to cut that out completely. He is very scared of that because he believes it will be MUCH harder than stopping his watching of pornography. He knows he is going to go through withdrawal. He is going to talk to his therapist, and mentioned that he is planning on bringing it up at his SLAA meeting as well, just to try to find anything that may help him through this time. I have to admit, I am VERY scared as well. I feel like this is really going to test his commitment to his recovery, to help me see if a recovery is something he is truly serious about.
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MomtoAJ,
Good for you! you seem very supportive and objectively open to the process of recovery. That is not always the case, so good for you. Regarding withdraw. I had a unique experience with disclosure because I did it voluntarily and completely without being caught by my wife. This i think facilitated much trust at the beginnning of recovery. As a result she was avialble to me sexually somewhat sooner than most women feel comfortable with. The reason i mention this is to encourage you to consider how much support and help your attitude, support, and sexuality will help your husband. The best I have heard it described is in the every mans battle book where your being sexual with your husband during his withdrawl is like methadone for heroine withdraw. Theraputic approaches vary, and there is value in considering full abstinance for a drying out period, but this is not always necessary and sometimes causes deprivation when it is not handled effectively through proper accountability. So, as your husband faces the chemical withdraw of masturbation, consider being his methadone. One other issue about masturbation, I think it is more of a symptom than a core issue. I think it naturally fades away when your husband puts all his effort into "Making a covenant with your eyes. And avoiding the lust. That is what causes the desires and compulsive need to masturbate. When the lust is stopped, the mastrubation subsides naturally. I think it is pretty much impossible, or very difficult to stop masturbating when you are feeding your mind with lust. So, study male sexuality, and begin to understand the very forign notion that men are sexually hardwired to want to dring in visual images. Learn this so that the idea becomes less disturbing to you and you can help him and support him without thinking his battle is about you when it is much more about his coping skills and childhood experiences. I am babbling, but my point is as he faces withdraw, you can help,if you want to. First by learning, then support, then being available spiritually, sexually and emotionally as he fights his battle.
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