Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Given you do not trust her, I suppose you could also ask her to take the test so you can find out what are her motives. If she is pure at heart with wanting the test, then I imagine there is nothing wrong with you taking it also.

At least you will both be on the same playng field.

A lie detector test should only be done under the guidance of a therapist who is qualified to deal with these issues.
I believe you guys are very hurt, and angry right now, and not ready to deal with a lie detector....yet.
A therapist would need to talk with each of you separately and together, to see if you are both emotionally stable, and a plan of attack needs to be in place before also. Your wife needs to be ready to hear the truth, commit to and work on your marriage for 12 months, after the full disclosure. A therapist will then be able help you both with the fall out afterwards, as it will be a rock bottom for you both.
Its important for spouses to realise that the SA must have an incentive for the full disclosure, a reward for the truth. Hense the commitment for 12 months.
I did this. We had a full disclosure, without a lie detector, but under the guidance of our therapist. Oh man, it hurts. It hurt both of us. After 12 months, we reassessed our relationship, and commited to a further 12 months.

Anon, i know you are afraid, but letting go of your secrets really helps you move forward in your recovery, so a lie detector can be helpful with that. However i don't think she is ready emotionally to hear the whole truth....yet.

James

Thank you for your input.

Trina

My wife has a major issue with priorities, she wants what she wants, she always wants it now and she is refusing to move foreward without what she wants.

I told her I don't want to go the detector route because for me it is definately lose lose, she will 1. think I am beating the lie detector. and 2. she will make her decision weather to stay in the marriage based on the results, therefore taking all responsibility for her decision away from her and giving her total freedom in her own mind.

I think she is looking for an easy way out of our marriage......unfortunately

Anon

"I think she is looking for an easy way out of our marriage......unfortunately "

And, truth be told, it seems like you're looking for an easy way to save the marriage.

As far as a lie detector test, I agree with Trina that it has to be done under the careful eye and recommendation of a therapist who knows you two and believes it to be the next step. With that said, Anon, you should be more than willing to cooperate if it means more sanity for your wife. Sure, you may be refusing in her best interest, but don't forget how long you've been living in your best interest.

Being honest, your post sounds like a cop-out. Any guy who wants to save his marriage wouldn't be giving excuses for something like this. I suggest you talk to your counselor and see if this is something that would hurt or help you two at this point, and let him/her make that decision. You can't save your marriage if you still have secrets.

Cali,

Truth be told, the first thing I asked my wife is if she spoke to our counselor about this, she said she did but didn't tell me what he said. (I am assuming he said it was not a good idea, because she later told me she does not need anyones permission). As far as your comment about a quick fix, this is not true at all, I just don't want a quick divorce wich is what I think would happen with a polygraph right now, I don't think my wife is willing to hear anything except what she wants to hear.

I understand this is a long process and there is no quick fix, I understand that I have damaged and hurt my wife deeply and it is gonna take a lot from me to help repair the damage I have caused, and I feel terrible for what I have done to her I think about it every day and sometimes struggle with depression because of what I did to her, our marriage and our family.

With that being said I just don't think a polygraph is gonna benefit our situation, especially at this point. she wants an excuse to leave the marriage is what I think and I think that is sad.

-anon

Anon: I think you're missing something. Or, it seems like that to me. I don't think that she needs an excuse to leave the marriage. You already gave her that when you cheated. There's rarely ever a reason more clear. infidelity almost always ends in divorce. Didn't you know you were risking that when you did your thing?

I think she's hurt and afraid of you and looking for a quick answer to her pain. If I knew a quick answer to end it, I'd blasted well take it...whatever it was. Can you truly blame anyone for wanting to cease the worst pain they've ever known? I know I can understand that. And just as soon as I ever figure out what that route is, I'll take it too. But, I don't think that there is one...period. No easy way at all...not for you...not for her. Once the deed is done, the disaster will follow. You seem to think she owes you something. What is that?

So Sheenre, you're saying that maybe she's looking for a reason to STAY in the marriage, looking for hope within the truth? Interesting...........

I know that by the time i reached my full disclosure, i was really over the lies, and couldn't sort through the lies for all the BS. For me the truth just couldn't hurt anymore, i had nothing left.

So Anon if the marriage is over, what have you got to lose if you tell the truth.....just a thought :)

Trina: You said, "So Sheenre, you're saying that maybe she's looking for a reason to STAY in the marriage, looking for hope within the truth? Interesting."

Yes, Trina...maybe so. That's what I would have been looking for had I taken the lie-detector route. Because I couldn't put any faith in anything he said. He had lied waaay to much. He couldn't lie about what I already knew. I had absolute evidence of that. And even then, in the face of that, he tried to lie to me. Huuuuuge mistake! That has cost more than anything else he had done.

Soooo, result...no trust. Even hearing what he had done, that I KNEW he had done, paled in comparison to the lie he tried to create when confronted. Create a ridulas lie to try and make me feel confused and crazy...that is unforgiveable to me...the worst of the worst. He could say he outright hated me and do less damage than to try and undermine my feeling of sanity.

He opened a huge pitt of wondering about what else he might have done, or was doing at the time. He just made it worse by trying to conceal it! So, at the point, and maybe even now, a lie-dectector might well be the hope that I could hold onto. That I had truly heard it all....finally...an end to the endless suspicisions running around in my head. Freedom from a prison of suspicion, doubt and withdrawal from ever truly trusting him again.

Because....because I still wonder. Even today, nearly two years later...I still wonder. And any closeness that I feel to him is undermined by the wondering about what else he might have hidden from me. Not a good basis to go anywhere...much less forward. Result? I still don't trust him fully. Sad, but true. Little trust...little connection possible.

So, I suspect that she might well want to REALLY go forward, but can't, because the wondering is just too much?

Hey guys,

Sorry I didn't catch this thread till now. I can tell you first hand about the polygraph from a wife's point of view as my husband "Soberone...", also a member here, took one a month after I discovered him and continues to take them now. His last one in fact, was about a month ago. The next one is scheduled in 9 months and from then on he has committed to taking one for the rest of his life yearly.

I don't exactly know what you are looking for here anon36, as you were asking for the spouses opinion and of course you got it. It wouldn't seem logical to ask the spouses "Hey if your h offered a polygraph and you wanted to stay in the marriage would you take the offer." To then get an answer..."No, really I don't want to know the truth;" or "No, I love him so much and even though he has lied to me over and over and over and broken the most important vow before myself and God I'll continue to trust him till I die maybe of an STD."

I know you are afraid Anon. My h was frightened beyond comprehension at the thought of loosing me, the kids, life as he knew it. But he was made an offer...That offer was from a trained, highly professional therapist, specializing in sex addiction...He said..."Look, do you want to get rid of this addiction once and for all?" My h of course who had just contemplated the sweet release of death just before my discovery eagerly said "Yes, if I believed this would release me once and for all from the addiction yes, I will do anything." (As my h had tried many times before, unsuccessfully, to quit.) So Dr. Magness (you can read his book going into better detail about all this or google his website) said then this is what you need to do... He told him of the procedure which meant that he needed to spend several weeks preparing by writing down all incidents of his acting out (just basics, no details), then we came to our 3 day intensive couples therapy session. The first day started out with us preparing for the disclosure and polygraph. First, I was told to commit in writing to working on the marriage for 1 year. Then Dr. Magness prepared me so that I would be able to handle whatever I found out in the disclosure. Then came the disclosure. Let me tell you, what I already knew was only the tip of the iceberg. I felt like I was hit by a Mack truck. Being 5 months pregnant I don't know if I could have survived the trauma of what I was about to learn without the constant support of our therapist(s). (We also had a trauma, couples therapist working with us, Cara Weed). The second day was all about healing. I was helped to see that despite my husband's addiction that he was not some kind of monster, or psychopath. That this was not about me; that my husband was truly a good man with a terrible sickness that needed to be treated. I found compassion for my husband's struggles but was taught also not to deny my own anger, sadness and fear so that I could see there really was hope and freedom from this. On the third day we were asked to write letters to each other. My letter first was written about my anger and to express my anger in a healthy, non-combative way. By the way, my husband says whenever in the beginning he struggled with intrusive acting-out thoughts all he had to do was remember my face and what I expressed through my anger in a loving way with that letter...strangely it is not when I first discovered his infidelities and yelled, screamed, threw things and called him names...but it's the loving anger that he recalls.

Then my next letter is what I call to memory often. That letter was titled "All the things I'm proud of you for." My first item I listed was The Polygraph. I of course, listed that he is has this uncanny ability to solve even the most elusive of problems...In writing that letter at first I couldn't think of anything to be proud of my husband for. But as I pushed forward listing all of his wonderful attributes all of the sudden love and compassion for him welled up in my heart and I just couldn't stop writing.

That year has passed and there truly were times that I wanted to bolt but I made a commitment in that letter and signed it and I knew I had to trust in the process so I stayed.

I am so glad I stayed because I believe today, the main reason I am able to move on, trust and work hard at being the best wife, mother and partner I can be with passion is due to the polygraph. Today not only is our marriage better than even when we were dating, but our family is better, I am just a better individual, my husband is a better man than we could have ever imagined. It is documented in Marsha Means book how the recovery of the spouse and marriage is fast forwarded due to using the polygraph as a tool. Simply because of the restored trust which is key to the health and growth of any relationship(she refers to Dr. Magness in this book) "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" How Partners can Cope and Heal.

But you are right it is just one of the tools for recovery. You can take the long rout and do recovery without it. I believe Jennifer Lasser's book gives statistics for that type of recovery which can take anywhere from 3 years but can take many more years if both individuals are not following a dedicated, proven recovery plan guided by a specialist in sex addiction and couples therapy.

I could actually go on and write a book advocating the use of polygraph but to be honest I am not sure why you are looking at using one. If it is only to satisfy your wife and get her off your back than I don't think it is for you and I'm sure it won't do you any good. But if in fact, she had never asked you to use it and you had been asked the same question as my husband had, and decided on your own you would do anything humanly possible to stop the addiction no matter what the cost, even if it meant ultimately you would loose everything, then yes I'd say you are ready for it.

But I'd have to warn you most marriages (and this is documented in both above mentioned books). Not only survive the polygraph but end up being better than they ever were and even stronger than most traditional marriages.

Ultimately though, the decision is yours and really if you are doing it for your wife and not for yourself this isn't the answer. If you want I can tell Soberone to PM you with more information directly and privately from the horses mouth.

Oh, P.S. Sure there occasionally is a mild paranoia about whether or not polygraphs really are reliable and if the whole Sexually addicted world works together to conspire against us wives so they can fool us into believing our husband's are sober. Just research it instead of speculating and going by Hollywood drama. So the paranoia works both ways. But if your spouse actually has a disorder in paranoia I would think you would at least be in better hands with a trained therapist so you can tell for yourself and be given tools to handle this if it becomes a problem. You can find the real statistical information by googling various government sites and if I remember correctly some medical journals. But in no way am I saying anyone may have this disorder. And really once confronted with scientific data and research along with actions and concrete evidence and one still continues their beliefs in conspiracy than at this point that type of disorder would need to be considered and dealt with. So the only reason I bring this up is to point out that if as you say you do not trust her as she seems to look for ways to discount the evidence SHE asked for then this could be a consideration. But what I make up, being a wife myself is your wife has unresolved anger and is not finding relief in expressing it, which is why you get the conflicting messages. She is in pain and desperate for relief. So if that is the case she needs comfort and support right away that I don't believe you can offer. (Has she visited this group?) I too went through this but my h and I were given theraputic tools to deal with that. I can't say I remember the last time I was truly angry about his acting out.

You even talk about your own depression and that is I believe the reason you were acting out in the first place and now it is being compounded by the guilt and shame of what it is doing to your wife as you said. This is a recipe for disaster for your sobriety and her recovery. At this point you both are feeding off of each other's negative energy. And rather than helping each other your just making it worse. Again, you need support and comfort in a non-shaming way....which you need to be careful if still looking for a therapist as many who are not knowledgeable in this area can be very destructive to the SA.

I hope regardless of what you choose you get a therapist trained in sex addiction, couples therapy and traum as soon as humanly possible for both of your sakes.

Take care,

Lorilou

Lorilou: Thanks for your info. It sounds like you REALLY have gotten past all of this. I thank God that someone has. I sure haven't. Maybe I need to try harder to find someone who can do the polygraph. My psyc, who was my Hs psyc to begin with, says that he has no knowledge of that procedure. And turned rather pale when I asked him. And the look on his face made me very apprehensive. Oh Lord, I can't even feel trust there. Waaaaay messed up!