Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

I recently read this book, and thought the information may be of benefit to others. Its a lengthy read, but a goody.

Don't Call It Love....Recovery from Sexual Addiction BY Patrick Carnes Ph.d


The Stages Of Recovery....for the SA

Page 186 - 209

To piece together the recovery process, we asked recovering sex addicts and their partners to complete a number of instruments, including an extensive life status inventory and a month-by-month history of their recovery. We also interviewed people with extended recovery in a stage-by-stage fashion and analyzed their responses. We then adopted two strategies to obtain a pattern of recovery. We developed a pattern from the retrospective information provided by the surveys and interviews, and we asked people with different periods of recovery (6 months, one year, 18 months, etc) how things were going for them now. The two strategies yielded the same pattern. The following overview of a 5-year recovery process is based on changes in classic quality of life indicators:

The First Year..... There was no measurable improvement, and yet most addicts reported that life was definately better. This apparent contridiction might be explained by one respondent's comment that "when you are hitting your head against the wall, even stopping the hitting helps." In fact, according to our assessments, some things got worse. Most slips, if they occur, will occur in the second 6 months of recovery. Further, all health indicators - accidents, sickness, and visits to physicians - show the second 6 months to be the worst over the 5 years. The first year appears to be characterised by extraordinary turmoil, which really tests the recovering person's resolve to change. Some of the consequences of the addiction continue, and the change is wrenching.

The Second & Third Years..... If the recovering person can get through the first year, significant rebuilding starts. There is measureable improvement occuring in many areas, including finances, ability to cope with stress, spirituality, self-image, career status, and friendships. Our survey documented improvements in finances, coping with stress, career status, and friendships continuing over the 5 year period. These indicators reflect a period of intense personal work, which results in higher productivity, stability, and a greater sense of well being. Stopping the acting out appears to give people the energy they need to reconstitute their lives.

The Fourth & Fifth Years..... Once the personal base is established, healing occurs in the addicts key relationships. Improvements, often dramatic, occur in relationships with children, parents, siblings, and partners. There are , however, some exceptions. About 13% found that a breach with their family of origin could not be healed because the family was abusive or threatened by recovery. Also, some marriages were casualities to the recovery process. Most important, sex addicts reported a significant shift toward more healthy and satisfying sexual expression. With the healing of relationships, overall life satisfaction improved dramatically.

What addicts, family members, and professionals want to know is, does it have to take 3 to 5 years to rebuild one's life? Could the process be speeded up? NO answers exsist at this time. (at publication) When the people in our survey went through recovery, the groups they joined were generally small and inexperienced. There were no treatment programs, and the therapists who tried to help were learning as they went along. Is it possible, with the advent of treatment, the greater experience of therapists, and the growing maturity of the fellowships, recovery can move faster.

Nonetheless, some aspects of recovery address core developmental issues, which take time to heal. We will have to wait for longitudinal studies to tell us what is possible. Nor was the process the same for everyone. Some people took longer. Some had great difficulty in stoping their behaviour. We learned there were critical factors that helped the process and others undermined it. Before we can describe the essential tasks each recovering person faces, we must explore in-depth the stages addicts who succeed in their recovery go through. We found 6 stages of recovery.........


1.....THE DEVELOPING STAGE;

Unmanageability and powerlessness force the addict to acknowledge the problem, but he or she continues actively in the addiction. True recovery begins only after this stage, which typically lasts up to two years. Many make efforts to curtail their activities but the addiction remains.
Below are listed typical comments addicts made about this stage of recovery. From the comments it is clear that the following are key characteristics of the developing stage:
**Many addicts seek help but discontinue it or find it not helpful.
**Many therapists fail to see the problem or, if they see it, fail to follow through on it.
**Addicts have a growing appreciation of the reality of the problem but tend to counter this realization by minimising the problem or thinking they can handle it by themselves.
**Some addicts temporarily curtail their behaviours or substitute other behaviours.
**Most addicts fear that stopping would mean giving up sex.

ie;
"My isolation and inability to believe I could get help kept me stuck."
"Confronted by a colleague in a supportive way, I went to a twelve step group, but then left it."
"Two DWIs caused me to stop drinking and I ended all relationships for 4 or 5 months. Then I fell into a new relationship, drinking returned, and things got crazy again."
"Unconsciously sought help....suicidal at times."
"First I hoped that divorce would cure my addiction. I turned to porn and affairs as a less shameful way to act out."
"I assumed the problem would go away as I got older or if I found the 'right' person."

For most addicts, the addiction is closely connected to survival. It has been a trusted friend, relied upon for years. It has always delivered what it promised-but at a price. As the price grows intolerable, the addict prepares to face the fact that something has to change.


2.....THE CRISIS/DECISION STAGE;

The stage at which a commitment to change is made. This stage can occur within a single day or can take up to 3 months; in any case it marks the beginning of recovery. There can be a substantial time lag between when the behaviour stops and when a commitment is made.

The following lists presents typical comments addicts made about their crisis/decision stage. These comments reflect the variety of ways in which addicts come to this stage. For some addicts, there was a growing consciousness that something needed to be done. Others were frightened into action by the escalation of their behaviour that they would do anything to fix it. In fact, several in our survey had admitted themselves for chemical dependancy treatments, even though they knew that was not the issue.
Most addicts were forced to do something by events or by people - family members, partners, friends or therapists. Because of the addicts denial, the pressure often had to be continued over a long period of time. Actually, this process of breaking through denial continues throughout recovery.

ie;
"I didn't get what sex addiction was about - felt I was just a mild case. Spent 2 weeks doing my first step and then I 'got' it."
"Unable to stop until I was sexually assaulted. Scared me so much I was ready."
"Got arrested October 1993."
"Wife took wedding ring off, after 35 years, and said You can't come home."
"Newspaper article about sex addiction hit me like a bulls-eye. I took it to my therapist. Later, when i was feeling suicidal, therapist made me go to SLAA."
"Arrested at work, with much publicity and lost my job. Someone sent me info in the mail after seeing my address in the newspapper."

3.....THE SHOCK STAGE;

The shack stage is a time of emotional numbness, extraordinary disorientation, and efforts to control the damage. On average, addicts spend the first 8 months of the first year of recovery in this shock stage. We suspect that the primary reason that we were unable to detect any significant movement on quality of life indicators, is that addicts in this early stage are operating at a subsistence or survival level.
What we found simply validates conventional AA and AL-Anon wisdom which says, "Nothing major the first year." Simply entering recovery and dealing with the implications of the illness are so stressful that to undertake significant change would overload the system. Time-honored fellowship slogans like "A day at a time" or "Keep it simple" appear to be appropriate. As shown by the addicts comments, the following experiences are characteristic of the shock stage:
**Addicts describe physical symptoms of withdrawal that are at times unbearable.
**Addicts experience disorentation, confusion, numbness, and inability to focus or contentrate.
**Addicts have periodic bouts with despair and feelings of hopelessness, which become more intense as their sense of reality grows.
**Addicts react with angry feelings about limits set by therapists, sponsors or family members."
**When addicts join a recovery group, they experience a sense of belonging with the realization that recovery was a right decision for them.
**Feelings of relief and acceptance are common once the double life is over.

ie;
"Felt gradually like I was coming to."
"Became absentminded."
"The program was disorienting, painful, scarey, and relieving, but I knew I belonged."
"Felt crazy but determined to get better."
"Numbness and grief over loss of my job/relationship. Despaired and felt no hope."
"Relief was the main feeling but at home immediately. Took a long time to get abstinent with some painful slips."
"I separated from my partner and felt really dark but not entirely hopeless. Raw, vulnerable, and exposed."
"I felt very numb and decided to act 'as if'."
"I felt stunned, shocked, anxious and depressed."
"Sexually shut down, emotionally dead, I felt like my body was plastic."

Perhaps the biggest struggle during this period is for the addicts to be honest with themselves about the extent and nature of their addiction. Some may begin to bargain and argue about their addiction. With time, however, and with support, clarity emerges about the addiction. When there is significant clarity and acceptance of reality, the addict enters a stage of profound grieving.

4.....THE GRIEF STAGE:

Grieving typically involves denial or bargaining, anger at the loss, acceptance of the reality, and sadness. Actually, some aspects of grieving, particularly bargaining and anger, first emerge in earlier stages and simply continue in the grief stage. What really distinguishes the grief stage are the sadness and pain felt when losses are finally acknowledged. The grief stage lasts from 4 to 8 months and for the end of the first year and the beginning of the second year.
By specifying the timing of the period, we could better understand why slips were most likely to occur in the second half of the first year. Addicts use acting out to avoid pain. When the pain becomes overwhelming, the addiction brings relief, just as an old friend brings comfort and aid. During the earlier shock stage, addicts were more numb than anything else.
Similarly, we could understand the decline in health noted in the second half of the first year. The high stress associated with the grief stage impairs the immunological system and makes the addict more vulnerable to illness. Stress and preoccupation together reduce the ability to function normally, increasing vulnerability to accidents. These effects on health status provide potent testimony to the power of the pain.
Below are listed some comments sex addicts typically made about the grief stage. Note a number of characteristics common to this stage:

**The anger and defiance of the shock stage continue in the grief stage.
**Sadness and pain are punctuated with periodic bouts of despair,
**An extraordinary sadness exists about the losses incurred becuase of the addiction.
**Addicts experience a profound loss, as the addiction ceases to serve as friend, comforter, and high.
**Addicts tend to take general stock of their lives, inventorying now beyond the addiction.

ie;
"Tears about lonliness, about the loss of my life to addiction. Tears seemed endless."
"Oftened grieved the loss of my addict and of what I was. Alot of sadness...self hatred. Hard to forgive."
"I went through a rebellion period and felt very defiant."
"I felt overwhelmed and bitter."
"Incredible sense of loss over addiction. I had to learn about nurturing myself."
"Real sadness for an old affair and grief over the loss of that high."
"I was mourning, crying all the time, afraid of my own shadow, angry at God, angry at having to stop, and had very little energy."

As in all grieving, the expression of sadness shared with others leads to the acceptance of the new realities.
When that final acceptance occurs and addicts own to being vulnerable - to being human, ordinary, not uniques - then significant change can begin. As part of the acceptance, addicts must clearly admit to the extent and range of their addictive behaviour. Awareness of the addiction will expand and deepen over many years.
At this stage it seems important that addicts perceive the broad outlines of their addictive behaviour and that they grasp that the addiction is more than just behaviour. They must see the addiction as involving beliefs, attitudes, and distorted thinking which preserved the denial and delusion. With growing acceptance, the addict enters into the repair stage.

5.....THE REPAIR STAGE;

The sense of productivity and renewal that typifies this stage is evident from the comments below. A number of crucial changes characterises the repair stage:
**There is a new capacity for joy, although addicts often have to work to see humour in things.
**Central to all progress is the deepening of the new bonds with others.
**Addicts take responsibility for themselves in all areas of life, including career, finances and health.
**Addicts learn to express their needs, to accept that they have them, and to work to meet them.
**Addicts during this phase work on completing things (degrees, projects, work, etc.) and on being dependable (being on time, following through, and responding to requests.)
**Addicts live less on 'the edge' and learn to choose low-key options over high-excitement options.

ie:
"Could wake up without feeling afraid, could laugh with people."
"Told brutal truth in meetings and learned from failing my comprehensive exam in grad school."
"Decided to stay out of relationships and work on self."
"Learned to eat and clothe self well. Even bought furniture to make my own identity. Started friendships with older people who could be mentors."
"Old spirituality was a crutch. New spiritual life allowed me to accept consequences and be human without shame."
"Started to take care of myself, dressed better, exercised, and ate better. Took time to express my needs to counteract denial of physical and emotional needs."

A common goal for addicts during this time is to achieve balance. Things have been out of hand for so long that they must focus on the basics. Working toward completion and staying low-key feels good after all the unmanageability. But the repair stage also requires developing new skills and forging new bonds. Many addicts are thus forced to face fundamental issues that made them vulnerable to the addiction in the first place. The addiction can be arrested, but those profoundly personal problems of distrust, victimization, and shame remain. Few are successful dealing with these on their own; most require therapeutic support.
Essentially, the task at hand is for addicts to learn to 'reparent' themselves. One of the major contributions of the Adult Children of Alcoholics movement has been to demonstrate how family addiction damages children so that they remain dysfunctional as adults. Pioneers like John Bradshaw, Peter Cermak, and Claudia Black have talked about 'healing the child within' in order to restore adult functioning. Few concepts emerging from contemporary addictionology have been more helpful. In many ways it provides a powerful metaphor for the therapeutic process.
During this period of reparenting and renewal, clarity about addictive behaviour continues to grow. Most addicts start to have in-depth understanding of their behaviour. They identify the governing themes and scenarios which connect all the addictive behaviours. This increased awareness facilitates reparenting, since the behavioural themes and scenerios which connected to childhood events.

At this level of self-care, many addicts nurture themselves into the growth stage.

6......THE GROWTH STAGE:

Empowered by recovery, addicts enter a stage in which they explore new options and restructure relationships. The changes that have occurred enabled addicts to open up what has been a closed system. Addiction offered only decreasing options. Recovery creates an open personal system that allows for the expansion of options. This period of growth usually occurred during years 4 and 5 of recovery. And the good news is that once a system is open, it has the capacity to renew itself. We talked to many addicts who experienced growth spurts after 10 to 12 years of sobriety.
We were able to document that the quality of relationships improved dramatically. Relationships with children, parents, and partners all become richer and more emotionally present on the job as well. Addicts talked of more balance and intimacy, of an improved capacity to resolved conflict, and of this new style of relationships, satisfaction with life dramatically improved. Below are some comments typical of addicts who achieve the growth stage. Among the themes characterizing this stage are:
**Profound empathy and compassion for one's self and for others.
**Developing trust for one's own boundries and integrity in relationships.
**Feelings of achievement over new milestones in love and sex.
**A new ability to take care of and nuture relationships.
**Old relationships are transformed or ended.

ie;
"Feel connected to self and others. A totally new compassion for people with problems."
"Today I can say no. Can be safely sexual. Can now ask to make love. Can now say I love you."
"Peace of mind. Finish my masters, hold a good job, and be a father to a new baby."
"Sex isn't the requirement now, intimacy is."
"Relationship rebuilt by taking ownership of my role. I make amends to my kids when I make mistakes. I feel close to my kids and partner."
"I can talk about my present relationship, short-circuit shame and isolation, have boundries with people, and trust my own reaction."

Another characteristic of this stage is a deep abhorrence of old behaviour. Once addicts have enough distance from their old acting out, they often have very visceral reactions when they think about it. Many said they looked back almost in disbelief at some of the things they had done. One addict spoke, for example, of getting dry heaves when driving by places where he used to act out. Part of the reason for this reaction is remorse. Part is newly gained psychological health. Another part is finally acknowledging the depth of the fear and terror that they lived in. Yet another is their commitment to ways of living that do not leave them vulnerable to the addiction. Whatever the mix of reasons , there is an emotional response to the old behaviour.

The growth stage provides a special perspective on the course of sobriety in general. It is clear that many addicts were not able to stop all their behaviours at once; sobriety occurred in chunks. An addict spoke of, as he was able to stop his exhibitionism, then as his denial decreased, he relised that his other behaviours were addictive as well and that he had to eliminate them as part of his sobriety.

Addicts tend to initially focus on what got them in trouble. Then, as their awareness grows, they see the variations on a theme. Sobriety moves the addict from crisis management to an evolved consciousness. This evolution takes time, becuase sexual addictive behaviour is so often complex, pervasive, and shrouded in denial.

For some sex addicts, in fact, the process parallels that for alcoholism. We have seen for decades cases where the alcohlic would go through treatment several times before the old fears and beliefs broke down. Sometimes, an alcoholic would have to hit bottom several times before recovery could occur. There are many very similiar cases in recovery in sexual addictions.

By the time sex addicts hit the growth stage, recovery no longer involves false starts. Consciousness of sobriety and consciousness of richer relationships have brought the addict to a new level of being. Addicts at this stage talk about addiction as a gift. They have experienced a depth of humanity that many people never achieve. Their addiction and recovery have given them a greater perception, compassion, and presence. They not only serve as models for recovering people who follow, but they are injecting new healing into our culture.

WHAT STAGES OF RECOVERY TEACH;

In our survey we focused on people who have been successful in recovery programs. We did not access those who were not able to initiate recovery; their perspective is an important one but difficult to document. Out of the 1000 plus people who participated in our research, only 293 were in recovery 3 or 4 years or more. So care must be taken in making generalisations. There were also many exceptions to general patterns.
For example, we reported the average length of time in stages. Some people had circumstances that prolonged the stages or changed their timing. Even so, we were still able to document the flow of the stages over time. (The book shows drawings & graphs)

Slips and relapses may slow development or even send the addict back to the first stage of recovery. People who have been in recovery for some time can usually quickly return to where they had slipped from. Yet a slip still has an impact.
A number of specific factors can also impair development. Lack of family support is perhaps the most important of these factors. In an early study of patients in a sexual dependancy unit, we found only one common denominator among those patients who slipped in their first year of treatment; their family had failed to come to Family Week, a specially designed program for co-addicts to learn about the illness. Each family member's recovery facilitates the process of recovery for the others. Lack of resources also slows down the process. Sometimes unforeseen happenings, such as the death of a parent, so overwhelms the addict that progress is slowed. Court involvement or lawsuits can prolong stages simply because of the stresses associated with the adversarial legal system.

The most important lesson that can be learned from the stages is the there are tasks appropriate to each stage. Addicts must focus on tasks appropriate to the stage they are in. For example, it is not helpful to work on reparenting during the shock stage. So we need to understand the tasks of recovery required at each stage, starting with the critical first year.



*****Now the next Chapter is "The tasks of the First Year" Pages 210 to 258, then its
"Years Two & Three; Rebuilding" Pages 259 to 298, and then
"Three Years Plus: Working A Program & Healthy Sex" Pages 299 to 349.

If you are interested in further information on these topics, I can't possibly type it all out, am starting to get sore elbow from 3 days of typing this out....lol. I ordered the book at Amazon.com

Best of luck to all
Posted on 10/23/09, 12:10 am