Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

I think your concerns are valid, I think when I am confronted with behavior that I am hinding, the easiest way to avoid the light is to get defensive, and angry. If I can scare my wife out of pressing the issue, or get her to back off, my circular thinking is that the cat is still in the bag.

The problem is that there are no secrets. No matter how we look at it, the red flags are still there. Your intuition is definitely based on something being ascue. You know there is some type of problem, but you do not have the details about what it is.

So, you find yourself at a crossroads. And I would suggest you process carefully, what is next. Do you want to know what is around the next curve, do you have the fortitude to do the right thing in light of whatever you find. Are you committed to your marriage even in the face of what could the worst case, and gut wrenching pain you find yourself in at the next turn? How is your heart, and your relationship with God? Are you ready?

If so, press on, full force into the problem, and be the strong husband your wife needs, even in the face of what could be really bad. Read Hosaha. I have friends whos wives have had affairs, and have survied them very well, and come out on the other side with a much greater awareness about many things.

But it hurts!!! Keep the faith, and do the lawyer thing. Never ask a question you are not ready to hear the answer.

On the other hand, pretending that the electric bill is not in the pile of mail because you do not have the money to pay it, is much more distructive than opening it and knowing exactly what you are facing. It is better to know the reality than to make one up.

Good luck.

In short, no i don't find this behaviour strange.

Underneath the hurt and anger a spouse feels after secrets of sexual acting out, and a big disclosure like an affair, she will be also feeling rejection and unworthiness issues. While feeling so vulnerable it is not uncommon for her to look for validation from somewhere, a sign that, hey she is still lovable, even if her husband is not giving her the attention she needs or craves. It does not mean she is going to follow through.

I believe your SO was only looking for a bit of validation, was flattered at the offer and kept it as a reminder for herself, that she is wanted. Her instant arguements will be fuelled by indignation after all you have put her through (the how dare you question my faithfulness after all you've done!) and the desire to see you hurt just a little, as punishment, or tested you to see if you still care.

I'm not saying this behaviour is right, I'm just saying i can possibly see where her head was at. I was also guilty of this type of behaviour earlier on in our journey. I became good friends with a guy at my gym. He was a stay at home married dad, we'd have coffee and talk, i loved being listened to, everything my h wasn't doing. At my emotional lowest i am guilty of almost going to far, something in the end he was pushing for. By the grace of god i did not, i had a stress breakdown instead. Therapy helped me rebuild my self esteem instead.
I tell you this story, to show you i understand where her head is at and why. But also to give you guys a warning, that feelings are very hurt here. You guys are at a dangerous stage, please be careful.

I can not champion enough...Therapy!, therapy! therapy!

Trina, let me add a little bit to this puzzling situation, I am more than willing to be available to my wife and supportive of her, I am ready to be available and listen to her in a second, as a matter of fact I long for it. I miss my wife very much and want to have a communicating relationship with her, she is the one that doesn't want to interact with me. You said this other guy would listen when your husband would not, I am ready to listen and want to listen

DO NOT trust her. She is doing what all cheaters do, looking for an excuse to screw around. So according to Trina, if you don't get all the attention you want, then find someone who will give it to you. Cheat??? I don't think so. If she is hiding this from you what else is she hiding. Trust your gut. You know this isn't right. Someone from high school, bull. I just don't like to see people being lied to and abused. It's a very difficult thing to think the person you trusted is so deceitful. Check up on her if you chose to believe her. Emails, cell and you'll find out what to believe. I wish you the best. Go to the infidelity site and read. You'll learn alot.

Dreamlover instead of shooting from the hip, perhaps you could invest more than 1 minute and actually join a group, learn about its members before making a fool of yourself and wrongly commenting on their lives.
Anon is the one whom is struggling with the sexual addition, and has been the one to have an affair, not his wife. The wife is not the "cheater" as you so rudely accused.

I really hate this new DS feature where any tosser can comment on any group, without joining. It serves no positive purpose, but to cause a rackus, certainly not supportive.

Anon, if she has had no previous trust violations within your marriage, then I am inclined to agree with Trina. I would label myself as terribly timid when it comes to men I don't know, but even I found myself flirting or seeking positive validation from guys who would give it to me. This is a stage MANY MANY women go through after learning about their husband's secret life. Some women do have affairs, yes, but that is why Trina's therapy encouragements are spot on. To correct the possibility of one, or to communicate the reasons for having one.

Her behavior is not out of spite, but out of a lack of personal confidence. Porn is super destructive and is much like a cigarette...the second hand stuff is just as damaging to a person, many times even more so. Don't ignore her behavior, but don't switch roles either. Join the same team and work through the aftershock together.

Best to you both.

Anon: Sorry to hear that this has happened. Although you started the destructiveness to your relationship, your wife's actions will just increase that considerably. Trina is right. Most wives are so hurt and feel so rejected that they may well seek validation from other men. I think that is really wrong and immature...not that it didn't cross my mind...it did. I just saw that returning hurt for hurt would not help anyone at all. I focused my attention on making a decision..stay with my H...or get out for good. Since I had decided to stay at least for while to see what was left of our marriage, I also refused to add more destruction by seeking attention elsewhere. That wasn't easy, because what he had done made me feel unwanted, boring, and unattractive....not a recipe for having a loving relationship.

So, maybe you need to ask her if she is willing to stay with you and try to get through the pain you've caused, or if she really wants to get out of the relationship and seek a new life. If she wants to stay, she needs to be as open as you are.

I would say there are valid points from both sides. Yes Anon, like myself, is treating an addiction. Does that mean that two wrongs make a right? No. Even if the wrong is not cheating, which I dont really expect it is. The wrong is breaching trust. If their general rule of the relationship is a lack of interaction with the opposite sex, both parties need to be equally committed to this.

Anon, just because your wife is helping you with your addiction does not mean she has the right to make you feel in the same way she used to. In fact, she should know better than anyone just how painful those feelings are.

I know that personally, my own sexual addiction was a quest to find "validation from unworthiness". This is a noble search, however, there are appropriate and inappropriate paths. Seeking that validation from a member of the opposite sex who you are not romantically attached to is not one of them.

I never "followed through" any of the times I went looking for this validation but in my own mind I consider it cheating just the same. As a married couple you are solely responsible for eachothers feelings of self-worth. There is some additional interaction from marraige and friends, but in no case should anyone be looking to members of the opposite sex outside of the marriage.

It seems apparent to me Anon, that after a couple of days when she placidly gave you the email addresses and passwords this gave her a chance to clear up anything inappropriate she may have been doing. She may have been trying to buy her time.

I completely agree with Trina that this is a dangerous position for both of you and must be precariously handled.

The best advice I can give is, your wife clearly loved you enough to stick by you, the best you can do is show her some faith. Tell her that you felt really uncomfortable with the situation, but that you dont need to know everything is going on. Tell her you would like her to reaffirm that she is commited to you, and you to her. Remind her that only through truly honest communication can your marraige be rehabilitated.

Also, I would recommend the book, "the five love languages" and also "the five love languages of apology" by Gary Chapman. These books don't deal with SA however they are very powerful tools in rebuilding damaged relationships.

Good Luck

Anon, I did not notice who you were and Assumed that you were new and this was a new out of the blue situation.

I think Trina is right . this is about affirmation and punishment. It is sad that women think the punishment they need to exact on us does good, when we ( and they) need to press into the relationship the most.

Be humble, and prey hard to protect your wife from regrets she may find opportunity for. She deserves to grieve, and you have no control over how she does it. One thing is for sure. The grace you are capable of as a resul of your journey will far exceed the "typical" retribution our wives process our addictions thru at first.

You don't want her not to cheat because it will hurt you, your real concern is her hurting herself.

I would be heartbroken. If my wife cheated, even if it was considered "fair" in some universe. But not because she cheated on me, but because of the pain I know would follow. I've been there and would not wish that on her.

Communication and intimacy are key. Not the sex.