What is Sex Pornography Addiction
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a postulated form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
There is no consen...
Join Now
|
Functional Boundaries
|
Watch this |
| View More Posts Ignore |
So I've been meaning to post this as many of us, including myself, need work on boundaries. Boundary work is the core of Pia Mellody's model and is superbly detailed in her book "The Intimacy Factor."
However, I find that further work on boundaries with a good therapist can help us work through the five core symptoms of relational trauma: 1) Appropriate self esteem 2) Functional Boundaries 3) Owning one's (emotional) reality 4) Appropriately taking care of needs and wants 5) appropriate spontaneity Working on these core issues is what gets us to the point that we function as adults rather than having the emotional maturity of a 12 year old (as most addicts have). The focus needs to be on boundaries as healing of the other core symptoms requires functional boundaries. For example, as our boundaries become functional we stop being doormats and that improves our self esteem. As our self esteem improves, we see ourselves more and amore as who we really are and that helps us own our reality. When we use our boundaries to protect ourselves from abuse we are taking care of an important need we used to lack. So therapy for all the symptoms results in integration. The process is also known as reparenting, we are teaching ourselves the things we should have learned by the time we were 8 years old (as John Bradshaw puts it.) There are five basic boundaries: Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Spiritual, Intellectual. Each boundary is divided into protective (protects us from others) and containment (protects others form ourselves) The Physical and Sexual Boundaries are fairly straight forward I will leave that out from this post. The rest of the boundaries can be classified into listening and talking boundaries. When we set up our talking boundaries, we are careful not to violate another person's boundary. We remind ourselves that the reason we are talking is to let ourselves BE KNOWN. We are not sending information to blame or manipulate. It helps to use "I" statements throughout the process. Every time we use the word "you," we risk the other person shutting down because they may shift their attention to formulation their defense. Her are the basic steps when exercising appropriate talking boundaries: 1. Remind yourself you are talking to be known, ask if it is a good time to talk. 2. Remind yourself not to blame 3. State the facts (When you come home from work you watch television until bedtime) 4. State what you make up about the facts (What I make up about that is that you have a wall and that I am unimportant) 5. State how you feel (About that I feel lonely, uncared for, and hurt) 6. State what you decided to do (and I decided to talk to you about it) 7. Propose a change if any ( and I ask that you limit your tv viewing to 1 hour and then that we spend 30 minutes talking about our day) The listening boundary is similar for the receiver: 1. Remind yourself not to take blame 2. Remind yourself you are listening to know the other person, not to formulate your defense 3. Regulate your emotions through breath work 4. Review what the other person is saying and ask yourself if the information is true for you. If it is, let yourself have feelings about it, even they are painful. 5. If the information is not true for you, then detach from feeling emotions about what is being said. Tell yourself that the information is about the other person. For example, some one calls me stupid; I know I'm not stupid. What this tells me is that the other person has no containment boundary and probably comes from a dysfunctional family. 6. If what your are hearing is questionable, hold off on having feelings and ask for clarification. 7. If you sense a boundary violation, stand up for yourself and ask the person to stop. This does not mean retaliation. 8. Negotiate if necessary. Next, it is important to recognize when boundaries are being violated. It is recommended that this set of violations be memorized by anyone working on boundaries. The following boundary violations work both ways: 1. Don't imply BY WORD OR DEED that someone else is worth less. (Don't go 1-up) 2. Don't yell or scream at someone 3. Don't ridicule another person 4. Don't call someone names 5. Don't lie 6. Don't attempt to control or manipulate 7. Don't use sarcasm when being intimate 8. Don't break a commitment for no reason 9. Don't interrupt. In addition, it helps to not play the blame game. Don't blame others for: What is going on in your body what you are thinking what you are feeling the choices you make In the absence of a boundary violation, any feelings, thoughts, etc are because of some internal process within ourselves and we must resist blaming others for this. Enough information. I would encourage anyone needing work on boundaries to read Pia's book. Respectfully, Soberone Posted on 08/02/09, 12:08 am |
| 14 Replies | Most Recent | Add Your Reply |
| View More Posts Ignore |
Hmmm Soberone: And I was taught that to forgive one who is an adulterer is just an exercise in disrespect for yourself, weakness, and/or codependency and is simply an allowance for someone to continue hurting you. Also, like you said, on the other hand, from a strictly sociological view, girlies are supposed to roll over and allow themselves to be hurt. Conflict of values and emotions?
However, I have done that many times anyway, forgiven and extended good will...because I happened to have a belief of my own (outside that of my parents or sociolgical norms), that forgiveness is a valuable trait to be nurtured. Now, given that I discovered that this has happened the duration of my marriage, behind my back, I guess I'm not likely to do that any more and have any good feelings about doing so? Basically, even thinking of it makes me cringe. Once, before this recent episode of enlightenment regarding my hs extracurricular activities (if you will), I considered it a strength in my self-developed character to listen, evaluate, take a walk in the other's shoes, and forgive, if not entirely forget. How very big of me...huh??? Hard row to hoe...would know...I've hoed it much over my life. But, now, when I've seen how little my efforts to forgive were considered, and how I was ultimately and thoroughly disrespected because of those same efforts that I worked so hard to embrace, I find it very hard, if not impossible, to offer that olive branch once again and feel it is either wise or good to do so? And, since you kinda know my reaction to that...pisssed...HA! To say the least. You see, I know exactly how to stop the images, and quiet the alarms going off inside me. I have accomplished that many, many times before. I'm just not so sure that it is a wise decision to do so. MMMM..insanity...doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome? I think you can see the inner conflict? I know that my mind has set it's guard to prevent further injury. Am I to intentionally reprogram it, (by use of psychological means) ignore it, drop the guard, and use imagery, self-trickery, to stop it once again? Hmmmmmm...not sure it is wise or beneficial to me or him. I have no conflict with my H...he matters little now regarding the internal conflict I am addressing...I an only do what is best for me. Just not sure what that is. 
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Hey Sheen,
Your situation is starting to make sense to me. I can see the internal chaos within you. Out of curiosity, did you and your H have a therapeutic separation? Some couples do that precisely so that both can work on their recovery issues and not be clouded by each other's presence. Seems to me that just being around him creates more confusion because you are torn between your fear of trust and wanting to again be intimate. Let me clarify something about the trust issue. It is not up to you to give it for the sake of the relationship. You have every right to not trust him as long as you like. Forever if you wish. It is up to him to earn it back and on YOUR terms. I don't know what kind of efforts he's made but you are obviously not satisfied. However, are you not satisfied because you are scared to be satisfied or he is just not putting the effort? In regards to forgiveness, it is a choice but it does not mean you let your guard down. I've forgiven my mother for all that she did or did not do. However, she has little or no contact with my family, especially my children, because she is just too toxic. By forgiveness I mean I seek no retribution and I have no anger towards her. But I don't let my guard down as she has not made any amends. I keep very solid boundaries with her. Back to you. You will never be intimate with your husband unless you both live in the truth of who you are. But you will never live in that truth unless you begin to trust each other. You will never trust him unless he makes the amends and/or you see them amends for what they are. In short, trust precedes truth, truth precedes love. No trust, no truth, no intimacy, no love. just my $0.02 soberone
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
Yes, Soberone...I know. I agree with all that you said. FYI, my H has and is doing MUCH to make amends for what he did. I am sooo proud of him for that. He is much more of a man than I ever thought he might be. Sounds mean...I guess...but it's true. I respect him more now than I ever have. Many of his ways were not respectable. Maybe I don't love him as much...and maybe I can't ever love him that way again....but I can respect his effort and aim. It is what gives me a ray of hope that I can conquer this battle inside myself and at least have some peace in my life.
I have not returned injury for injury. I never will. The pain inflicted by acting that way is something no one should ever have to endure. Not him....not anybody. I don't want to seem him hurt...ever. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I've tried to write a little of what it feels like to me...and that still fails to adequately describe it. I guess the more the trust and love, the more the subsequent pain? I didn't even take revenge on my XH who deserved that and much much more. I just extinguished any feelings I had for him anymore, sypathy included. And I implememnted only the means necessary to keep him away from me. I had to have sympathy for me finally. I had to realize that I wasn't willing to live that way any more no matter the cost. I've never regretted that decision. I don't hate him, although that would be easy. I just think that he is in God's hands now and God will see to his condition. And, I pray that God will be able to find his cure for him. I wasn't it. I well know that trust and love are entertwined. That is why I ask questions, and read, and talk, and examine myself, as well as him. If I find that I can't trust again, life will really be a trial. I know that. So, I try. Thank you for your time, insight, input and consideration. Both you and your wife are a blessing....I'm sure for many. There are so many people on these sites who are willing to share their story, their experience, their knowledge and their insight. It's a wonderful thing to see. And, it helps Feel free if you think of anything that might help. I'm tough...I can handle a lot of criticism, look at where my life is, and you'll know that is true. Even if someone is angry with me because I feel as I do, and they attack me directly, its all good. Because, even in their attack, I find some words that hold truth...so it's worth it to me. We are all worth it. I know that many think that I'm just a mean, treacherous woman. I wish that were true. I'd have no problem dealing with this at all. But, unfortunately, it isn't true. I love my H enough to have walked thus far through Hell I would rather have died than endure. Had I not. I know the easiest way...and that is just walk away and begin life new. I know. Because I've done it before and suffered little collateral damage. I also know that if I stay here, and try to repair this relationship, there will always be the past to remember and the pain to endure for as long as we live. It is a gift to him that I stay Soberone. It is my care for him that keeps me from running and seeking freedom from the memory and the pain of it. The running is easier and quicker and more efficient. But, you see, there is still some love in my heart for him, and there is still concern for his life, not only mine. And that, my friend, is the quandry. My battle. The conflict.
|
|
|
|
||
| View More Posts Ignore |
bump
|
|
|
|
||
| First | Previous | Page: 1 2 | Next | Most Recent | Add Your Reply |
