What is Sex Pornography Addiction
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a postulated form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
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Functional Boundaries
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So I've been meaning to post this as many of us, including myself, need work on boundaries. Boundary work is the core of Pia Mellody's model and is superbly detailed in her book "The Intimacy Factor."
However, I find that further work on boundaries with a good therapist can help us work through the five core symptoms of relational trauma: 1) Appropriate self esteem 2) Functional Boundaries 3) Owning one's (emotional) reality 4) Appropriately taking care of needs and wants 5) appropriate spontaneity Working on these core issues is what gets us to the point that we function as adults rather than having the emotional maturity of a 12 year old (as most addicts have). The focus needs to be on boundaries as healing of the other core symptoms requires functional boundaries. For example, as our boundaries become functional we stop being doormats and that improves our self esteem. As our self esteem improves, we see ourselves more and amore as who we really are and that helps us own our reality. When we use our boundaries to protect ourselves from abuse we are taking care of an important need we used to lack. So therapy for all the symptoms results in integration. The process is also known as reparenting, we are teaching ourselves the things we should have learned by the time we were 8 years old (as John Bradshaw puts it.) There are five basic boundaries: Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Spiritual, Intellectual. Each boundary is divided into protective (protects us from others) and containment (protects others form ourselves) The Physical and Sexual Boundaries are fairly straight forward I will leave that out from this post. The rest of the boundaries can be classified into listening and talking boundaries. When we set up our talking boundaries, we are careful not to violate another person's boundary. We remind ourselves that the reason we are talking is to let ourselves BE KNOWN. We are not sending information to blame or manipulate. It helps to use "I" statements throughout the process. Every time we use the word "you," we risk the other person shutting down because they may shift their attention to formulation their defense. Her are the basic steps when exercising appropriate talking boundaries: 1. Remind yourself you are talking to be known, ask if it is a good time to talk. 2. Remind yourself not to blame 3. State the facts (When you come home from work you watch television until bedtime) 4. State what you make up about the facts (What I make up about that is that you have a wall and that I am unimportant) 5. State how you feel (About that I feel lonely, uncared for, and hurt) 6. State what you decided to do (and I decided to talk to you about it) 7. Propose a change if any ( and I ask that you limit your tv viewing to 1 hour and then that we spend 30 minutes talking about our day) The listening boundary is similar for the receiver: 1. Remind yourself not to take blame 2. Remind yourself you are listening to know the other person, not to formulate your defense 3. Regulate your emotions through breath work 4. Review what the other person is saying and ask yourself if the information is true for you. If it is, let yourself have feelings about it, even they are painful. 5. If the information is not true for you, then detach from feeling emotions about what is being said. Tell yourself that the information is about the other person. For example, some one calls me stupid; I know I'm not stupid. What this tells me is that the other person has no containment boundary and probably comes from a dysfunctional family. 6. If what your are hearing is questionable, hold off on having feelings and ask for clarification. 7. If you sense a boundary violation, stand up for yourself and ask the person to stop. This does not mean retaliation. 8. Negotiate if necessary. Next, it is important to recognize when boundaries are being violated. It is recommended that this set of violations be memorized by anyone working on boundaries. The following boundary violations work both ways: 1. Don't imply BY WORD OR DEED that someone else is worth less. (Don't go 1-up) 2. Don't yell or scream at someone 3. Don't ridicule another person 4. Don't call someone names 5. Don't lie 6. Don't attempt to control or manipulate 7. Don't use sarcasm when being intimate 8. Don't break a commitment for no reason 9. Don't interrupt. In addition, it helps to not play the blame game. Don't blame others for: What is going on in your body what you are thinking what you are feeling the choices you make In the absence of a boundary violation, any feelings, thoughts, etc are because of some internal process within ourselves and we must resist blaming others for this. Enough information. I would encourage anyone needing work on boundaries to read Pia's book. Respectfully, Soberone Posted on 08/02/09, 12:08 am |
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that was very nice of you. 
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Thanks Soberonekenobi :)
I will hunt down the book tonight. I have been reading Pia's "Facing Co-dependancy" this week, and just when i thought i knew everything, i didn't!! I am certainly going through a period of reflection at the moment, so thanks for sharing. I wish on a regular basis that you guys live a tad closer.
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Soberone: Yikes! Reading this makes me feel like I can't share emotions when I talk...and can't feel anything when I talk. Scary to talk at all
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Hey Sheen,
Another important aspect of boundaries is that no one can make you feel anything, no one is that powerful! We generally try to catch ourselves when using terms like "makes me" or "make me feel..." Food for thought. Trina, You have no idea how much we want to visit the Land Down-Under. I would love to see the Great Barrier Rief. Also, I saw some awesome 12 step meetings with sharks in the movie "Finding Nemo." Perhaps in the next couple of years? We'll need tour guides... :)
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Hey,
I can now say I have that commitment in righting. Lorilou
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Without trying to channel the voice over guy on The New Price Is Right...."Come On Down!"
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Hmmmm Soberone: That's a thought that I'm really going to have to evaluate. Not refute...not accept...evaluate. I guess that no one I love has caused or contributed to that feeling emotion? I just receive what they do that makes me feel love for them? Or, I just love them kind of carte blanche because they exist on the planet? Anyone who acts any way will do?
Then what separates any feelings I have for them, for feelings I have for anyone else. They may not make me feel love for them....I guess not...I don't have to. But, ususally I love people for the things that make them...well...them. The them thing that works for me induces me to feel love for them...I thought? Maybe it wouldn't for someone else because they might not value the same attributes and interactions? So, if they start acting in ways that I do not value in a person, are they not changing the way I feel about them by what they do?:??? And, if that's so, shouldn't it? Even music with no one present at all can create emotions? Yes? Sadness? Joy? Uplifting? Energy? Lots of things. Can induce me to laugh, cry, emote in general. Does that musician know that they are creating sounds that induce emotion? Or is it just random notes that have no resonance? This one tied my head in knots. Guess I'm blindsighted there. Then, someone loves me because I do certain things, I act a certain way, I interact in a way that they feel good and positive about? Then have I caused them to feel that way by doing what I do, or saying wht I say? And, if I then change gears and do things differently, act differently, perhaps in ways that they abhor, have I then "caused" or contributed to their feelings? And, if I am angry because someone has done something that triggers "my" anger. Is it then honest for me to act like it doesn't. Or to be honest and say, "when you act that way it raises anger in me?" I dunno. That's really confusing to me. How does anyone know what anyone is thinking and feeling if there is no emotion involved? And how are their honest emotions then conveyed? I think of emotion as the true self reacting. Everything else is just words or words on a page with no connection to anything at all. Expand for me if you can so I can get it. I falter here.
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Sheen you are hitting on something very important. Which is the concept of "self" in our culture. The idea of boundaries implies that there is some kind of definite place where my self ends and where your's begins. However, I don't think that is the case. We are always constantly shaped by others down to our cores (i think). I don't think that means we dont have to worry about boundaries, we do. But what you are pointing out is important, these boundaries are very fuzzy and moveable and have to constantly be renegotiated. Because you never know when someone or some idea will change change you, you won't even know if its you that changed you or the other that changed you. There is a buddhist concept called interbeing by Thich Naht Hanh (called other things as well) that kind of gets at this same idea that I think I heard you say (maybe reading my own thoughts into your words).
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Hi Sheen,
I'll try to keep this brief. This process has to do with our emotional reality. I often (and still) find this concept confusing. Here it goes... When we experience relational trauma as children, we detach from our own feelings (body sensations) and emotions related to the trauma because they are too painful to bear. One common example is that boys are taught not to cry. This teaching results in the child learning to deny his own feelings of sadness. Another example, again in boys, is fear. Men who experience fear are cowards. Yet, anger is perfectly acceptable in men. These cultural perceptions influence our interpretation of events and in turn our emotional reality. The process is as follows: we experience the external world and our internal environment through our senses. When we experience these sensations, our mind assigns meaning to the experiences. These thoughts are influenced by our past experiences. (A man who experiences sadness will think "only whimps cry" and become angry as a result. Anger is often a manifestation of depression, ever watch House?) The thoughts will result in physical sensations (heart palpitations, cold sweats, feeling short-winded, etc). These sensations are our emotions and will then lead to a particular behavior. Note that as functional adults we are RESPONSIBLE for every step in that process. We are responsible for what we pay attention to, for what meaning we assign to the experience, for the thoughts, and ultimately the emotions and behavior. This is the basis for cognitive behavioral therapy. This process is difficult to master if we are dealing with trauma reactions and child ego states. Most addicts have the emotional maturity of a 12 year old. So it is very difficult for them to be responsible with their thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Let me see if I can clarify this by using myself as an example. I am an addict acting out and my wife discovers my activities. I experience her behavior and expressions which I interpret as pain and anger. I then think "I'm a jerk and need to make amends." (I put this much milder than how it actually occurred.) I feel intense shame, fear, and pain. These emotions motivate me to enter recovery. We start to heal. Now, as a functional adult (no longer in arrested development), I have the freedom to choose not to pay attention to sexually explicit material, I choose to think of myself as a human being who has made a mistake, is making amends, and am not a worthless piece of excrement. I feel my own shame and compassion for my childhood wounds. I no longer act immaturely by engaging in addictive behavior. I freely choose to be vulnerable with my wife. BTW, she has chosen to forgive me and allowed herself to be vulnerable with me. This mutual vulnerability is what we call intimacy and cannot be achieved outside of this functional adult ego state. I hope this made sense. I hope it is also clear why it is important to understand our own family of origin history. Our trauma and family culture will greatly influence our thought process and in turn our emotions and behavior. For example, in my culture, men are supposed to be promiscuous and women demure. In fact, women are supposed to tolerate men's indiscretions. This nonsense was fed to me BY MY MOTHER! She expected me to be a womanizer. This is one of the distorted thought processes I had to overcome. Yet, I am ultimately responsible for all my behavior and for the necessary amends. Hope this made sense. soberone
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