Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group

Hi LookingForARayOfHope,

After reading your posting and profile, I see you have a few issues of your own you're dealing with, in addition to this relationship stuff. And I guess I would have just a few ideas to share with you.

First, if you are not already in therapy for yourself, I'd get myself set up with a counselor/therapist if I were you. These folks can be a big help, not only with the self-injury stuff, but also with the self-esteem issues. Also, they can help you work through whatever childhood issues you have that cause you to continue to get involved with porn addicts and masturbators. There is a pattern here of you continuing to get involved with these guys, so there has to be a reason why you keep doing that, and the reason will be found in your past, in your childhood.

As far as the self-esteem goes, I'm going to suggest you get hold of a book titled "How to Raise Your Self-Esteem", by Nathaniel Brandon, Ph.D. Brandon has spent his entire career working with self-esteem issues, and has written a number of books on the subject, but this is without a doubt his best. I would suggest you follow the instructions in the book exactly, writing out your responses as he suggests. In this way, you will get the best results from his exercises. This book should be available at your local bookstore. The cost will be around $15.00.

As far as your boyfriend goes, there are several things you can do to encourage him. First, you should try and get him into therapy for his own issues, if he isn't already seeing a counselor.

Second, you might want to suggest that he investigate some of the Twelve Step groups that exist specifically for sex addicts (Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, or Sexual Recovery Anonymous). He can Google each group's name and be taken to their website, or I can give you the specific web addresses for each group if you prefer. Please let me know if you would like me to provide this information.

And third, you can give him the following web addresses. (Each website contains a wealth of information for the sex addict):

Sex Help
www.sexhelp.com/

Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health
www.sash.net/

Sexual Recovery Institute
www.sexualrecovery.com/reso...

If your boyfriend is serious about getting some help, these resources ought to be able to give him some places to start his own recovery program. Good luck!

Thanks for your help Charli0217

I am in counseling, I have come a long way since I started it.

What you said about me always getting involved with porn addicts, I was a bit concerned about that.... I don't intentionally seek out them out... I didn't know about my ex until about a year in the relationship, and with my new bf, well... I new about it ahead of time, but hes open and honest about it with me, he's always willing to discuss stuff with me..... I am trying to not write him off as a bad person even though I have bad experiences with this from before with another guy....

its all every confusing, and i will have to discuss it with my counselor i guess...

I like your suggestion about him going to counseling, ill think i will mention that to him, we both have access to free counseling as we are in school... so may be he will be willing to do it.

Thanks again

Hi again LookingForARayOfHope,

This tendency we all have to keep getting involved with the same kind of person, although we swear we will never do so again, is kind of interesting. This phenomenon was first noticed among adult children of alcoholics. These people would go out and marry alcoholics themselves, even though one of their parents was an alcoholic, and they knew all of the problems involved in a relationship with such an individual. Virginia Satir wrote a lot about it, and some of her books make up the basic theories of family therapy.

Basically, family therapy says we marry people who are exactly like our mother or father. In your case, that would mean that one of your parents was a sex addict. But as this theory was tested out in the real world, they found that it was much more complicated than they first expected. Perhaps your parents weren't sex addicts, but one of your grandparents was. It can work that way. A grandparent is a sex addict, your parents are straight arrow, moral people, and your generation swings back to the sex addict. It can all get extremely confusing. If you would like to read an excellent introductory book on family therapy and family of origin work (also called Inner Child work or Original Pain work), I would suggest you get hold of a book by John Bradshaw titled "Bradshaw On: The Family". You should be able to find it at your local bookstore, or you can order it from AMAZON.COM. It is these family of origin issues that need to be dealt with and worked through if recovery from addiction and/or codependency is ever to be achieved.

Suggesting that your boyfriend consider some counseling for himself is a great idea. And the fact that you two are both in college and can get the help you need for free is even better. If it were me, I'd take all of the free help I could get. And the counseling services that most colleges and universities have available for their students are usually first rate, so you probably wouldn't be able to find anyone better than whoever is available through your school.

Thanks again Charli0217

If either of my parents or any one of my grandparents were sex addicts, I am not aware of it. So do you still think that would apply?

I do agree we tend to go with whats familiar with us, hence why children of alcoholics marry alcoholics. but, I am still skeptical as to weather or not I am seeking these people out or not.

And I did mention counceling to him last night, and I think hes going to think about it, he thinkes hes doing alright right now, which he is doing pretty great, but I don't know how much he can do on his own b4 he needs help.....

I am just very lucky that I can actually talk to him about this thou, and he is willing to discuss things with me. I know a lot of the time sex addicts tend to try to hide it for what ever reason, and hes not trying to do that. Which is really the only reason why I think i was able to go ahead with this relationship. Its not the porn so much as when peopel lye about it that pisses me off. Lying is a big NO with me.

aha, im sorry i keep replying with these lil rants, i think it helps to type this stuff out, =P

thx again!!!!!

Hey, feel free to rant all you want. No problem. As far as your family goes, who knows what went on in the past.

One of the things I did early in recovery was fill out something called a "genogram". Basically, this is a list of all of the members of your extended family, going back maybe five or six generations. What you then do is list which family members were alcoholics, which had drug problems, which were smokers, overeaters, or anorexic. You also list which were survivors of sexual abuse or sexual assault. Who were perpetrators of such abuse or pedophiles? Who was physically, mentally, or emotionally abused, and who did the abusing? The idea of this exercise is to see just how much abuse and addiction there is, and was, in your family of origin, and that's important information to have.

You learn codependency and addiction in your family of origin, by osmosis. There is no other way for you to learn it. Codependency implies a dysfunctional family. And the "genogram" allows you to see the dysfunction from generation to generation. It's a fascinating exercise.

If you plan on doing this exercise, however, be aware that you are going to come up with a WHOLE LOT of blanks, places where you have names, but absolutely no information about the person. This is where "family secrets" come into play. Every family has certain secrets, family members and events that they don't talk about. You will run into this again and again as you do the "genogram". And where you have secrets, you often have addictions, perhaps even sexual addiction. With a little bit of work on your part, you should be able to fill in at least a few of the blanks, and as you do, you'll begin to see the sex addicts that were a part of your biological family. Your therapist/counselor should be able to get hold of a "genogram" form or two for you to use, should you decide you want to do this exercise. And again, I want to suggest you consider reading Bradshaw's book. It really is an incredible book. Run the book by your therapist and see what he/she thinks. Just an idea.

That's all I've got for now, so I'm going to close. I'd be interested to hear back from you on the idea of the "genogram" or family tree. Most people who do this thing are totally shocked by what all they find. As I said, a very interesting exercise. Anyway, if you have any further questions, or need some clarification, let me know. I'll be happy to help you in any way I can. Take care, and I'll chat with you again a bit later.

I talked to my councilor about how you mentioned that I may have a pattern of getting involved with sex addicts, she seemed to think it is coincidence, i mean ive been invloved with more non sex addicts then sex addics technically, and I had no way of knowing about my current bfs addiction.

I mean i think i should definatly keep an eye on it, and if i start to have a huge history of dating sex/porn addicts......

that chart thing you mentiones is kinda cool, but i sometimes think family secrets are best kept family secrets, =P